Better than Sacrifice

Why Now?

Forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize for the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13,14

On Saturday, May 12, 2001, at 2:30 a.m., I decided to write a book. It was a pivotal moment in my life and I felt the hand of God urging me to share the intimate contents of my heart at that very moment. I sat at the computer and began this confession, this purging of my story, the good, the bad and painfully ugly. Why this moment? Because God’s timing is perfect and His ways are higher than our ways.

As I assess the horrors that have marked my life — the rape, sexual abuse, abortion, losses and post traumatic stress disorder — I realize something. In the throes of these trials, God has fashioned me into the woman He created me to be — a woman who will follow Him and His divine plan through even the lowest valleys. And with His tender loving grace, I shall come out victorious.

Why choose this moment to gather and reveal my thoughts and expose my vulnerabilities about the most challenging times in my walk with the Lord? Because obedience to the calling of God is far better than the sacrifice of loosing every precious thought and memory He brings to me…that’s why.

And who knows, maybe someone will read this and realize there is hope for those who feel they have been short changed in the blessings of God. And maybe someone will be encouraged not to give up, but to continue walking with the Father. So why not now?

I am not writing this book to preach at you. I write for the sole purpose of pursuing after the Lord with you. My hope is that my story will help you find your way through the maze of feelings that have sometimes or, perhaps always, held you captive.

It has been said that there is strength in numbers, and I want to make you aware of the truth behind that statement. Just as surely as I sit here today, finally able to reveal my sorrow (and share my joy), there stands a heavenly host keeping watch over you and me. As we enter into the presence of the Lord together, believe me when I say we are not alone. In the sanctuary of my writing space and the privacy of your reading refuge stands a mighty fortress, a great wall of angels. Wing tip to wing tip, they stand keeping watch, protecting us from the hand of the evil one…a heavenly huddle, in the middle of which is Jesus. You are safe because He knows the delicate nature of the wounds we will be exposing.


Christ is fully aware of the things you never told anyone. He knows about your hurt, your guilt, the shame and the lies. He knows about the devil’s attempts to destroy you and He feels your embarrassment, rejection and loneliness. He knows because He bore each of those burdens on the cross. He understands the feelings you’re experiencing, and the sense that you are the only person this has ever happened to. He knows about the fear and mistrust of people that sometimes cripples you. But the word of the Lord declares in Romans 8:1-2: Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.

As Tony Campollo once said, It may be a dark and dreary Friday, but just remember, Sunday’s on the way!

Recent events in our shared American history, coupled with my own private trials, have brought me to this place of revelation. Now is the time. In the aftermath of the 9/11 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center, the Pentagon and the plane that crashed in Pennsylvania, I found myself anxious and fearful that all is lost. These events have led most of us to do some internal inventory — to reflect on the direction or lack thereof in our personal and national lives. Take the tragedy in whole — the surprise attack on our nation, the innocent people taken out of this world so quickly and brutally at the hands of evil terrorists — it is almost too much for us to process within the capacity of our human brains and hearts.

For many years, I have waged a daily battle against a faceless voice that constantly reminds me of past mistakes and wrong decisions I’ve made. Sometimes the voice is so loud I can barely hear my own breathing. On many dark occasions I have nearly thrown in the towel. But when I realize that Satan is responsible for the horrific crimes of 9/11 and the terrorists were willing vessels, I understand that it is also the evil one who is responsible for the terror in my own life. Satan’s objective, then and now, is to distract me, get me to take my eyes off Jesus and halt the completion of the task that the Lord has placed before me. Right now, my task is to minister the word of God to you. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:10

Right now I pray that you will submit yourself to the Lord. Clear your heart and mind and concentrate on His healing power. As you do, I want you to pray that He will make His presence known in your heart today, because today is the day that you will receive your healing. 
Let’s pray…

Lord, I thank you for the privilege to be in your glorious presence and fellowship with you, father to daughter. You are indeed worthy to be praised and I bless your holy name! I present myself to you right now Lord, just as I am…broken and wounded in spirit, seeking peace and release from my past hurts of (you fill in the blank) ________________________________.

First, if I have grieved you in any way, Father, by conscious or unconscious deed or word, I ask you to forgive me of my sins and cleanse me of all unrighteousness. As I begin this journey, I ask that you keep my mind and my heart focused on the things of you. Help me, Lord. Help me understand that the present state of my life is not the way it has to stay. Help me see myself as you see me…beautiful, precious and capable of having meaningful relationships with others.

I rebuke Satan right now in the name of Jesus Christ. James 4:7 says if I submit myself to you and resist the devil, he will flee from me. Father, I humbly submit myself to you and your divine will right now, knowing Satan has no dominion in my life. I cast him into the very pits of hell! I will not allow the devil to kill, steal and destroy this moment in my life.

Step in right now, Father, and take charge of this time I am spending with you. I thank you, Lord, for opening the eyes and ears of my heart to see and hear you through every page of this book. I thank you for the growth that I will experience as a result of facing my past hurts, renouncing my fears and embracing my future. Thank you for inclining your ear to me and answering my prayer according to your riches in glory.

In the name above all names, I pray, the name of your precious son and my soon coming king…Jesus…Amen.

Chapter 2

If It Weren’t For The Lord On My Side

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

Today I am an ordained minister, a faithful Christian who daily thanks the Lord for His many blessings…but my life was not always faithful or joyful, and I am here as a testament to anyone who may be enduring personal suffering. God does prevail. You are beloved, and always will be.

I am humbled and grateful that the Lord has chosen me as one of His vessels of praise. I love being a vessel of musical praise but just as exciting to me is the praise of testimony. Our testimony is the key to revealing the character of God in our life — not only to other believers going through trials but also to nonbelievers who may be searching for a way our of their situation. Did you know that? One thing I’m constantly learning is that everything I have ever gone through or will go through is not meant exclusively for me! It is for the good of others who will bear witness to the awesome power of God in my life.

A hard lesson I’m learning is allowing the Lord to be himself in my life. No, that’s not the hard part — the hard part is getting over myself, thus allowing Him to be Lord in my life! Job 22:21-22 states, Submit to God and be at peace with him; in this way prosperity will come to you. Accept instruction from his mouth and lay up his words in your heart. 
Simply put, if we stop arguing with the Lord and realize that He is going to work all our trials out for our own good, we will be successful in life, even in the midst of extreme challenge.

It is tempting to give up in the very heat of the battle, but I want to throw this at you to ponder, or as we say in Georgia, give you somethin’ to chew on. If you gave up right now in the heat of your spiritual battle, to whom would you turn? Is there anywhere else you could go that is better than the help that comes from God?

The psalmist wrote in Psalm 121: I lift my eyes to the hills — where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip — he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed he who watches Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you — the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day — he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

Through countless challenges I have faced and tears I have shed, one thing I now know about the Lord is that He was always there and He never left my side. When I felt the walls of emotional trauma about to give way and collapse on me, the Lord was there, sustaining me. When I turned away and did not communicate with the Lord, He never stopped loving me. When I didn’t love myself, He loved me. Look at those verses from Psalm 121 again. Perfect aren’t they? Those verses tell me beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was the Lord who kept me during the most frightful times of my life. As you read my story, you may be saddened, angered or even amazed…but you will see the Lord at work. After all I’ve been through, this is what amazes me:

I’m not a heavily medicated patient in an institution for the mentally unstable…The Lord kept my mind! His name is Jehovah-shalom, the Lord our Peace.

I’m not on any type of tranquilizing medication to calm my nerves and keep me sane…The Lord is the great physician! His name is Jehovah-raphe, the Lord our Healer.

I’m not an unhappy, depressed person…The joy of the Lord is my strength!!! His name is Jehovah-nissi, the Lord our Banner.

I don’t fear the past, the present, or the future…He is the one who was, who is, and who is to come!!! His name is Jehovah-shammah, the Lord who is there.

HALLELUJAH!!! GOD IS GOOD!!!

My favorite hymn is Great Is Thy Faithfulness. No matter how many songs I write or sing, Great Is Thy Faithfulness sums up everything that could ever be said concerning my life:

Great is thy faithfulness, oh God, my father.

There is no shadow of turning with thee.

Thou changest not, thy compassions they fail not.

As thou has been, thou forever will be.

Great is thy faithfulness, great is thy faithfulness.

Morning by morning, new mercies I see.

All I have needed thy hand has provided.

Great is thy faithfulness Lord unto me. *

Words: Thomas O. Chisholm

Copyright 1923. Ren. 1951 Hope Publishing Co.

Carol Stream, Il. 60188

All rights reserved. Used by permission.

Chapter 3

Blessed Beginning

I was blessed with wonderful, loving parents and siblings — and that’s a hopeful beginning for any child. My mother is a retired nurse and a southern beauty in every way. She is beautiful, hard working, quick-witted, sharp-tongued (if need be), and her cookin’ is as close to the wedding supper of the lamb as you’ll ever taste before we all get to heaven. If you’ve never had a religious experience while dining, you need to eat my mother’s cooking. The only thing you can say is, Oh Lord, thank you so much for this food! (said with a mouthful of food of course). Let’s just say you have to eat with your shoes off so you can wiggle your toes! Whenever I was sick, her touch and soft voice could soothe me better than any antibiotic. I pray that my touch is as soothing to my children.

My father was a master carpenter. He could build anything. He was dark and handsome with an intimidating stature — not because he was extremely tall, but because he carried himself like Goliath. And when he stared at me with those beautiful copper-brown eyes he could pierce my soul. His Native-American, African-American mix gave him thin lips, sharp nostrils, a prominent jaw line, high cheekbones and black wavy hair with a patch of grey in the front — a very distinguished look. He had ways of running off unwanted guests, mostly boys, who to this day remain a topic of humorous conversations at our family dinners. It’s a miracle any of his daughters ever got married!

My dad had a voice like thunder — it shook the very foundations of the house when he raised it to call my name. As a small child, I heard the old wives’ tale that when thunder was rumbling and rolling, God was speaking to all of heaven and those of us on earth were to be quiet in reverence to the Lord. So it is not surprising that at five years old I associated my father’s voice with God.

He died in 1989, but not when the doctors said he would — that’s how mischievous and strong-willed my father was. Even when every breath seemed to be his last, he held on for four more days until I arrived. His tenacity was incredible and I miss him tremendously.

I love the story behind my conception and birth because it proves that the Lord has a divine purpose and plan for every one of His precious creations on this earth. I wish I could tell this story the way my mom always tells it; she laughs in all the right places, emphasizes all the right spots, and pauses deeply in thought to hold you in suspense. But since I can’t do it the way my mom can, I’ll just tell you the story…

I was the sixth (and last!) child born to my parents — the surprise. By 1962, my parents had one son and three daughters — Michael, Noreen, Florence, and Daphne. But my mother wanted another son, so when Frank was born, my parents were content. But the Lord works in mysterious ways, and Linda Adelle Fontaine was born February 6, 1967 at 6:45 p.m. at University Hospital in Bearington, Georgia. To friends and family I am known as the fish fry baby.

My father loved to dance. He and my mom had lots of friends with whom they often got together for fish fry house parties — they’d fry fresh fish, cook grits, play cards, dance, eat and shoot the breeze. According to family calculations, it was one of those fish fry house parties in May of ’66 that altered my parents’ contented state from five children to six. Mom and dad had danced and were sitting together, my mom on my dad’s lap. All of my sisters have beautiful legs, which we inherited from our mother, and on this occasion another gentleman attending the party made a comment to my father, Harold, yo’ wife sho’ do got some pretty legs.

My father took offense and replied, What are you doing looking at my wife’s legs? You should be looking at the woman you’re with! And with that, my dad punched the guy in the face, he and my mom left the party, and by the time they got home I guess my dad felt he had to prove he was da’ man!

It was quite a surprise to my mother when she found out she was late 30-something and pregnant! How do you think my dad felt? Oh yeah he was da’ man all right! Way to go, Dad! I hope my mom doesn’t want to kill me for sharing this story with you!

On the afternoon of February 6, 1967, the big day arrived. It was freezing cold and raining. Ice covered the roads and made travel difficult, but my father got my mother to the hospital in plenty of time. As my mother’s labor progressed, her doctor noticed I was not positioned correctly in the birth canal. I was in a transverse position - instead of the normal heads down presentation for birth, I was lying sideways. The staff did their best to help my mom along in the process but to no avail. The stress of labor was beginning to take a toll on my mother’s body and me.

The doctor consulted with my father and informed him that they would have to perform an emergency c-section, which was risky in the 60’s, to save both mother and baby. The doctor could not guarantee a healthy baby and a healthy wife so he asked my father the ultimate question. If there are any difficulties during the delivery and we have to choose to save your wife or the baby, what are your wishes? My father’s reply was, You save my wife. We can always have another baby. That was the final answer. The verdict was in. My fate was decided…just like that.

BUT GOD SAID WAIT…

Just as the doctor was about to administer the anesthesia, I miraculously turned, positioned myself properly in the birth canal and was born at 6:45 p.m., February 6, 1967, a cold and icy evening. The Lord kept the hand of the evil one from my mother and me and allowed my life to begin. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4.And that is why I am called the fish fry baby.

Chapter 4

The House is Alive

"Shout for joy to