Getting Into The Game: A Zak Steepleman Short Story Collection: Zak Steepleman

Getting Into The Game

A Zak Steepleman Short Story Collection

Dave Bakers

Contents

THE GATLING GUN OF HELL

WHISTLING KINGDOM

BUBBLING MORONS

GLUEFOOT

DUST DEVIL

CHESS KNIGHT

THE FOURTEENTH FLOOR

ELVEN HOUR

MR TUXEDO MAN

THE CHILL

Author’s Note

THE GATLING GUN OF HELL

1

IWAS JUST FRYING the last of the Hell Spawn on what’s known as just about the toughest level of They Came from Hell!! 2 when the cable came loose from the back of the Sirocco 3000—that’s my games console—and the screen went black.

I sat there for a good couple of seconds, my hands still shaking from tapping buttons, constantly reloading and firing off more shells into the Hell Spawn, and I was pretty much zoned out.

So zoned out that I just stared at the screen till I realised the gravity of what’d just happened.

The power button on the Sirocco 3000 was still on, still glowing green, and I could still hear the disk still spinning. All those plastic clicks and whirrs going on.

Then I jumped up and lurched over to the console, scrabbled round back there, trying out all the cables, trying to get them all back into their sockets. The console was still warm, of course, and I could smell that fuzzy, half-burning-computer-chip smell of the circuits inside.

Once, a long time ago, when my mate Mikey was round, he dared me to lick the case of the Sirocco after a whole bag of Chewy-Tang Worms. And when I did it, it tasted of plastic.

Unsurprisingly.

As I fiddled with the back of the console I got a few electric shocks, but, yeah, that’s just normal. I checked all the cables, shoved them into their sockets once over, then did it again when the screen didn’t blink back on.

Of course, by now, it was pretty much useless. Because you’d know if you’d ever played They Came from Hell!! 2 that if you even look away from the screen for a fraction of a second the chances are you’ll be dead when you look back.

Your character, Jack Blast’em, does all this groaning stuff before making this stomach-sickening squelch sound as he body bursts into wads of scorched-up flesh.

It’s pretty distinctive.

Once you’ve heard that a couple of times you make sure not to take your eyes off the screen.

So, I was scrabbling back there, already getting used to the idea that I was pretty much baked as far the level was concerned. I mean, once you get killed the screen sinks onto a splash screen which asks you to continue. So, the damage wasn’t all that bad.

Annoying that I’d lost a life, but what can you do?

I guess it was just a gut-feeling, knowing that even if I could miraculously manage to get the console firing again, Jack Blast’em would just be a carpet of human guts and bone. So I gave myself a second to breathe, just took stock of the whole situation, like Dad tells me to when I’m in a video game competition, and considered my options.

Now, maybe I had died right then and there, but I had no intention whatsoever of unplugging the console, turning it back on again. That’d send me right back to the start. I was doing a once-through speed-run and that means strictly no saving. Still, clicking the stopwatch off is allowed. And I’d already done that. It was stuck at three and a half hours.

And it’d be three and a half hours wasted if I couldn’t get the console back on.

I went back over all the connections one last time, but no luck. I let out a long, hard sigh, then swivelled the console round, taking care not to yank out the power cable as I did it.

Everything looked just fine back there, all the cables snug and secure. Then I glanced along the back panel and noticed a smooth plastic cover, about half the size of my palm. I wondered what that did.

I looked over to the other side of the back of the console, and saw the network panel at the other end, so it couldn’t be that. And expansion packs had gone out of fashion since the last generation. But this panel must’ve been for some kind of expansion.

What else was it there for?

Weird that I hadn’t noticed it before. As an aspiring pro-gamer, and fully intending to become one when I reach sixteen and can leave school—I’m thirteen now—I take pride in knowing the ins and outs of my console. Of my workspace. But I’d never seen this particular plastic panel before. It’s times like those that I’m pretty glad I only cut my fingernails about once a month.

So I got one of my gnarled up fingernails under the plastic cover, felt its sharp plastic edges dig into my sensitive skin, and I tugged hard.

A couple of seconds passed and I tugged harder.

The panel held fast.

I tugged even harder, but still no give.

I looked over my shoulder, over to my bedside table, and my eyes instinctively dropped to the bottom drawer. I shuffled over the carpet and opened the drawer with a squeak of its plastic runner wheels.

I could smell leak and potato soup wafting up from the kitchen, lingering in my room. My mouth watered a bit, but I tried to put that out of mind. I was aiming at finishing They Came from Hell!! 2 in under four hours, so if I could just get the damn console back on I should be able to finish it before Mum called me for lunch.

Inside the drawer, I rummaged about, rolling screws and bits of computer circuit boards out the way, then I picked out the flathead screwdriver among the rest of the stuff. I whipped it out and danced back across my bedroom to the console.

I dug the screwdriver in there really good, getting it right below the plastic panel, and then, squeezing my eyes shut, I prised it up.

I was actually grinding my teeth, tasting enamel, when I heard it give that satisfying click, and then the panel snapped out of place and clattered against the wall, falling off somewhere at my feet, somewhere in the snaking seabed of cables.

I got another whiff of that burning computer circuit board smell as I leaned over to take a look at the area I’d just exposed.

Yup, looked pretty much like an expansion port. Although instead of having a plug socket to jam something in, there was just this ultra-violet, or infra-red—whatever—strip. I peered into it, squinting a little. I wondered if something in there had come loose. And before really thinking it through at all, I just ran my fingertips over it.

I remember pretty clearly feeling a little fizzle on my fingertips, then a strange, warm hum taking hold of my brain. Then I just started spinning.

No, that’s not right. The room started spinning.

I just stayed in the same place, rooted to the spot.

I tried to drag my hand back from the port I’d just exposed, but no luck. It was like I’d super-glued myself to that infra-red strip.

The world continued to spin all round me, and I felt my stomach crunching in on itself several times over. That leak and potato soup smell seemed to smother my mouth and nose for a long time before it faded, and was replaced.

Replaced by the stench of burning coal and scorched flesh.

2

THERE WAS this blinding white flash. I held my hand up to shield my eyes. My heart did a little dance at the back of my throat. Heat wafted against my skin, sent all my hairs standing on end. I felt a little shudder run up my spine.

Slowly, the world around me hazed into view, like fog drawing back. Everything was kind of a jet-black at first, coal black. And then I seemed to get a grip on just where I was.

I was in They Came from Hell!! 2.

Next thing I noticed were the big-ass muscles I had on either arm, and that my skin was covered in grimy grease. I was sure I could even taste that grease in my mouth. Next I noticed the big-ass gun I was holding in my hands, and that my finger was just lingering over the trigger.

I knew what the gun was right away, of course.

A Demon-Slayer 500.

Not a bad gun in They Came from Hell!! 2. Pretty standard. A notch up from the Imp-Pincher, which is just a pistol. But certainly nothing you’re gonna feel comfortable facing off with El Diablo.

No, you’d be pretty mental to go into the Devil’s Chamber with anything short of the Gatling Gun of Hell. You could try with the Minotaur Mincer, which once you’ve upgraded it a few times to have the Obsidian Grenade Launcher can be pretty mean. But you’ve gotta be quicker on your feet than your average gamer to pull it off—strafing all over the place.

Nah, for the layman you can’t go wrong with the Gatling Gun of Hell, in my book. Even for me, pretty far from being a layman, I’d never take a step into the Devil’s Chamber without the Gatling Gun of Hell.

Not on a speed-run.

I looked about me, and realised that I was on the level where I’d lost the game, where the screen had gone black.

Blubber Furnace.

The level before the Devil’s Chamber. And this is just the level where you pick up the Gatling Gun of Hell.

Jack!

For some reason, even though my name’s Zak . . . Zak Steepleman . . . I turned round and looked. Standing there, a few steps away, was Robin Glue-Guts, the ally you get in co-operative mode, when you’re on two-player mode.

Weird. I wasn’t playing the game on two-player mode at the time. But, then again, don’t think I bargained much for teleporting into They Came from Hell!! 2 so I’ll take it.

Uh, I said, feeling the Demon-Slayer 500 weigh down my hands a bit, where to next?

The thing about Robin Glue-Guts is that he has this weird expression constantly on his face. His eyes are always wide and his mouth’s like a gaping black hole, kind of stuck in a half-grin, half-grimace.

His expression always made me think he was scared silly.

And then, standing right there, staring him in the face, I was sure my assumption was the right one.

He had a Demon-Slayer 500 too. And his eyes widened even more as he replied to me. Dunno, you’re the boss. You know just where we’re headed. Gotta get our hands on the Gatling Gun of Hell. From what I’ve heard it’s round here some place.

My mind just got kinda caught in a funny spin. I kind of lost track of just what I was thinking. And then, all at once it seemed to dawn on me. I was Jack Blast’em. And I was in They Came from Hell!! 2. But it was a dream, or something, wasn’t it?

I started to think about just what had happened, back in my bedroom, with the back panel of the Sirocco 3000, then I reckoned, right when I’d stuck my fingers into that socket, across that infra-red strip, that I’d been shocked or something.

That kinda made sense. Thinking about it, I thought that most likely I was in an ambulance right at that moment, Mum and Dad at my side, bombing our way to the hospital. Maybe I’d wake up in a moment or two. Maybe I’d be all bleary-eyed, see Mum and Dad gawping down at me all dewy-eyed and wobble-mouthed.

Then I heard a throaty, spine-tingling chuckle, that bile-throttling churning of the gut, and I knew just what it was.

Hell Spawn.

3

ASACK OF ACID flopped through the air.

My heart hammered against my ribs, and I remembered to duck.

I listened to the sack of acid splatter into the wall behind me, hiss away as it melted the bricks away.

I looked back to the Hell Spawn, six of them, all glowering at us with their beady black eyes, and their talons drawn up to their chests. I remembered just what was going on and thought to grip my Demon-Slayer. I looked along the sight, just as, all together as one, they jerked their heads back ready to fling more sacks of acid.

And I squeezed the trigger.

The recoil of the Demon-Slayer rocked me back. I stumbled a couple of steps before I found my footing again. I watched my bolt fire right into the chest of the first Hell Spawn of the group, and blow him into a thousand gory pieces.

It reminded me of popping a balloon with a pin.

A balloon filled with bloody guts.

I held my hand up to cover my face and I felt those slimy, warm bits of guts land on my skin. And it stung.

When I let out a groan, it was deep, gravelly. I recognised it as Jack Blast’em’s groan. And then I reminded myself that I was Jack Blast’em.

I recovered from my crouch, looked over to Robin, saw him blasting away at the Hell Spawn, and that he was making good progress into them.

Just two more to go.

And I grabbed a hold of my Demon-Slayer, looked along the barrel, then lined it up. I squeezed the trigger.

The Hell Spawn blew up again, doing that balloon-pin-explosion thing once more.

This time I knew to duck, and I listened to those guts splatter against the walls.

When I looked up, I saw that Robin had taken care of the other Hell Spawn, and that he was already bounding forwards, making his way further into the level. I looked back over my shoulder, and just saw a wall. There was no way back. And it seemed that, at least for the time being, I was stuck here, in They Came from Hell!! 2.

4

WE TRUDGED our way through acid pools that came right up to our calves. But, luckily, a few levels before, I’d made a diversion to go and get the optional Acid Protection Boot Upgrade.

Now some gamers doing a speed-run on They Came from Hell!! 2 wouldn’t bother with that seeing as it goes to some length battling with a whole room full of Grappling Worms—about three, four minutes all told—but for me it makes sense further down the line, gives you more security, time-wise, coming through this level: Blubber Furnace, where there’s acid just about everywhere.

Looking over at Robin, I guessed that he’d got the upgrade too.

Up in the next hall, I instinctively pulled out my Imp-Pincher, just about all it’s good for on that level, and I lined up a headshot for each of the pair of Disgruntled Mages standing at the gate to the boss for the level.

Just like all speed-runs, you’ve gotta know just where the loopholes are, and as far as loopholes go, this is a pretty good one.

If you play it just right, don’t go too far round the corner as you approach the gate, you can wait there, take your sweet time with your Imp-Pincher—anything bigger and it alerts the mage you’re not shooting—and pick them both off.

One thing you really don’t want in the middle of a speed-run is to get into a fight with these two. Not that they’re all that tough to beat, especially if you’ve got the upgraded boots to deal with their Arterial Acid Spray, but you waste a whole load of time waiting for them to give you a shot.

As I picked them off, it seemed that Robin was on my wavelength, standing back, not rushing forwards to activate them, to warn them that we were there.

It looked like we might make a pretty good team.

I jogged on through, up to the gate, running over the medipacks the mages had both dropped there, and the spare ammunition for the Demon-Slayer. Then, remembering that I was somehow in co-operative mode all of a sudden, I turned back to Robin and said, You ready? in Jack Blast’em’s voice.

That same half-grimace, half-smile continued to occupy his mouth as he gave me a firm nod.

5

WE TROOPED