God, Please Fix Me!: Self-Esteem, Relationship Understanding & Personal Healing for Women

wisdom.

Part One

The Awakening

You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have left.

—Krissy

Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding.

—Proverbs 4:7

It was a beautiful, summer Sunday morning. I was in church service. People were sitting all around me in the church pews, but I felt horribly alone and downhearted. I watched Pastor Craig walk to and fro on stage, his mouth was moving, but his voice was white noise. I was ruminating the past two years of recovering from a hurtful, destructive relationship. I struggled to overcome the bitterness and rage I felt for Dr. Dirtbag. I wondered if I would ever find true love as a single mature woman. I labored to finish my two sequel books so I could get on with life. My life felt barren and melancholy. God was tight-lipped; he no longer fed me His encouragement and inspiration. I imagined that He had turned His back on me because of my impetuous nature and frequent flub-ups.

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

My mind snapped to attention. Suddenly Pastor Craig’s voice resonated and this familiar Bible verse held new meaning for me.

Hearing Pastor Craig’s words, I realized that I had been asking for wisdom all of my life, not just in prayer, but in my desires, daydreams and actions. Every time I read a self-improvement book, I was seeking insight. Every time I cried on a girlfriend’s shoulder, I was asking for guidance. Every time I visited a psychologist, I was looking for discernment. Every time I went to church or I watched a Sunday morning service on television, I was praying for divine understanding. God had not abandoned me; in fact, He declares that He is close to the brokenhearted, and He saves those who are crushed in spirit. He promises to give us wisdom, willingly and freely, without criticism or reproach—all we have to do—is ask.

When we try to do the right thing—God imparts His wisdom.

It was an epiphany moment that morning in church. I’ve always known that God hears our prayers, listens to our hearts and observes our actions. But Pastor Craig’s words rocked my universe. I realized that in my times of need and despair, God was not silent, He was, instead, hovering in the background, feeding me morsels of His wisdom. When I searched the bookstore aisles, He led me to self-help books that explained my fearful, self-protecting behavior, exposed my judgmental, hyper-critical attitudes and made me accountable for my irresponsible, foolhardy actions. God was moved by my heartbreak and genuine tears. He granted me girlfriends, who offered me not only compassion, but the brutal truth about my self-defeating, man-repellant behavior. God applauded my quest for personal growth and emotional healing. He gave me a wise spiritual counselor who helped me blaze my true path. But there were times when my personal growth seemed to come to a standstill, when my mind was influenced by worldly distractions, when my emotions were distraught and irrational, when my short-sightedness blinded me to God’s supernatural assistance. Nevertheless, I tried to do the right things, and God, measuring my heart, intent and actions, rewarded me with timely, bite-size doses of insight into my personal problems—and he quietly pointed me in the right direction. Decades later, on a sunny, Sunday morning in church, I realized my relationship wisdom had manifested and my personal power had blossomed.

The wisdom God imparts to us is not always easily recognizable, and regrettably, it is often earned through life’s most hurtful and difficult experiences. During those times of adversity, strive to do the right things and God will set your feet on the right path.

Oh, how women love the bad boys!

What is the erroneous appeal which causes women to love an arrogant, self-serving, and sometimes, morally corrupt man?

Why do women pine for a man who is evasive, aloof, uncommunicative and unpredictable?

Why do women gravitate to men who are non-committal and emotionally withholding?

Why is it so hard for a woman to leave a man who lies, cheats and maltreats her?

Women will sacrifice their friends, finances and mental health to hold onto a deceitful, boasting, abusive, skirt-chasing man—and they snub a wonderful man who would love, honor and care for them till death do they part.

I ask you, Are these women Lizzie Borden, nutty coo-coo crazy?

We all view the world through individual filters, says Dr. Phil McGraw. Some filters may be healthy and constructive, while others may be distorted and destructive. Those filters—our personalities, attitudes, points of view, our styles—powerfully influence the interpretations that we give to the events in our lives: those interpretations, in turn, determine how we will respond, and therefore how we will ultimately be responded to.

Emotional filters are at the core of our relationship decisions. It’s why we choose to be with some people—and not others. If our filters are unhealthy and distorted, that is, we view our world through fear, anxiety, anger, greed, resentment, sadness, hatred, jealously and envy, our perception of a potential mate will also be distorted and flawed. We will push away a man who would value, uphold, and respect us—and instead, we bond to a man whose dysfunctional behavior supports and agrees with our defective mindset. To illustrate: If I have low self-esteem issues, I will condone a man’s maltreatment. If I drink in excess, I will be comfortable with a man who is a high-functioning alcoholic.

Penny and Ronnie viewed their lives through a cocktail glass.

Penny and Ronnie both had poor relationship skills, and they were both big drinkers. Their relationship was built on the commonality of drinking. They enjoyed frequent happy hours. They drank at home, at cook-outs, while boating, at football games, and at parties. Drinking lubricated their conversations, enhanced their fun, lowered their inhibitions and prompted their early sexual activity.

Drinking blinded Penny and Ronnie to one another’s undesirable behavior. Wine masked Penny’s low self-esteem issues, induced her unladylike behavior, and incited her needy, codependent mindset. Vodka momentarily drew Ronnie out of his moody, non-communicating shell. But lust doesn’t last when a relationship is held together with vodka, vermouth and olives.

The intoxicating aphrodisiac that brought Penny and Ronnie together, began to erode their glass house. Drinking caused Penny to overreact to Ronnie’s aloof, closed-mouth personality. Ronnie became defensive, blaming and withdrawn. Alcohol diminished their sex life: booze numbed Penny’s sexual nerve endings, blocking her orgasms, and Ronnie couldn’t get an erection. After a night of drinking, they would crawl under the covers, Ronnie’s penis stood at half-mast, and Penny just wanted to be left alone so she could go to sleep. Eventually Penny quit wanting to have sex, and Ronnie disappeared into his dark cave. In the beginning, alcohol triggered their romantic connection. In the end, it destroyed a weak, pseudo relationship.

Faulty filters warp our reality and induce our bad behavior.

Faulty filters cause us to misinterpret a person’s intentions, overreact to our partner’s behavior, act out our unhappiness and discontent, all of which sabotage the trust and intimacy of a relationship.

Marilee, an attractive, intelligent, professional woman, was 42 when she married Ryan. Ryan, a handsome, financially secure, 55-year-old man, who divorced his wife of 26 years, was looking for a younger, attractive woman to wear on his arm. Marilee had spent her whole life searching for the love, acceptance and financial support of a man. They seemed the perfect match. Ryan married his trophy wife, and Marilee found her father figure.

Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.

—Elizabeth Gilbert

Ryan was innately reserved and tight-lipped, and although he was dependable and considerate, his reticent behavior triggered Marilee’s co-dependent issues. When they were dating, he called Marilee consistently, but irregularly. When she didn’t hear from him for a couple of days, she worried that she did something to run him off, causing her to have anxiety attacks. She coped with her distress by overeating to the point of making herself physically ill, and then she countered the excess calories with obsessive exercise. She was able to conceal her insecurities and dysfunctional behavior while they were dating and living separately. After they married, Ryan dropped his attentive courtship behavior, and he reverted back to his naturally withdrawn self. His lukewarm, detached demeanor provoked Marilee’s insecurities, causing her to erupt into tearful tantrums, followed by days of emotionally shutting down and sleeping in the guest bedroom at night.

Marilee tried to gain Ryan’s attention by making him jealous. When a strange man flirted with her at a party, she told Ryan, That man told me I’m beautiful.

Ryan frowned harshly, disapprovingly at Marilee and said, Are you trying to make me jealous? His words stung Marilee. She withdrew for days to cope with Ryan’s rejection, she punished him with her silence, and Ryan slid deeper into his non-communicating vacuum.

Ryan’s aloof relationship style was bad karma for an insecure woman like Marilee. True, he was a faithful, reliable, caring husband. True, he loved Marilee dearly, but it was difficult for him to articulate his love to Marilee. He demonstrated his devotion to her with his services. He painted the inside of his house in Marilee’s favorite colors, and he gave her money to buy new furniture. He gave her his new SUV to drive. He paid for her golf lessons. He surprised her with an espresso cappuccino maker, and he splurged on an expensive leather coat for her Christmas present. Marilee never had to worry about where Ryan was, or what he was doing, because he had the loyalty of a Labrador retriever. But Marilee’s filter was cracked. Her constant craving for Ryan’s verbal affirmations of his love and affection blinded her to his acts of devotion and generosity. His aloof personality caused her to doubt the depth of his love and commitment.

Eventually Marilee’s constant drama wore Ryan out. A year after they married he announced, I think we’ve made a mistake. I want a divorce.

Faulty filters cause us to blame ourselves for our partner’s hurtful behavior.

Stella, a stunning 31-year-old runway model, was recovering from a bitter divorce when she met Richard, a successful Latino businessman and diplomat. Richard had a penchant for beautiful women. Stella was attracted to Richard’s good looks, wealth, status and power.

Richard wooed Stella in extravagant, high-style, and within a year, they married. Stella took up permanent residency in Richard’s home in Mexico—and Don Juan Ricardo immediately began to unmask.

Richard started cheating on Stella in the first year of marriage. In the beginning he concealed his revolving door of girlfriends. He would disappear for days, sometimes for a week or more, and then he would return home without explanation. If Stella questioned him, he would explode, punch her with his fists, and verbally berate her, telling her if she weren’t such a piece-of-shit wife he would want to come home. After his outburst he would act as if nothing happened, and he expected Stella to do the same.

Stella walked around her Spanish mansion in a foggy stupor. She took anti-depressants and handfuls of Tylenol to get through the day, and she swallowed over-the-counter sleeping aids and Ambien to sleep at night. Her hair fell out in clumps. She had intense thoughts of suicide.

Stella punished herself; thinking she did something to trigger Richard’s violent temper she tried harder to please him. Even though she was a gorgeous professional model, she thought if she were prettier or smarter he would stop cheating on her and return to the way he was before they married.

After 10 years of brutal abuse, Richard divorced Stella to marry her best and only girlfriend in Mexico.

Faulty filters create illogical fear and desperation inside us.

My phobia in life was that I believed I couldn’t take care of myself. This flawed belief perpetuated my innermost need in life—security. It’s why I married the wrong men and divorced three times. I thought if I was married, I would have emotional and financial security. From the get-go, I saw Dr. Dirtbag through a faulty filtering system—I believed him to be my soul-mate. He sensed my core relationship needs—everything he said and did spelled—S-E-C-U-R-I-T-Y! He boasted of wealth, position and privileges. He showered me with expensive clothing, jewelry and gifts. I’ll always take care of you, he told me. His presentation was the golden carrot for a security-driven woman, making it easy for me to rationalize and shut my eyes to his questionable, hurtful behavior.

I had three faulty filters which influenced my beliefs.

Faulty Filter No. 1: I was supposed to be married.

I grew up in an era of domestic brainwashing. I thought my job was to find a husband, have children, and live blissfully ever after with my human security blanket. Whereas, my two brothers pursued higher education, I choose marriage over a career. I got married a year after I graduated from high school. A year later I was divorced with a small child, working for minimum wage as a secretary. I spent the next ten years looking for my next husband.

Lacking a college degree created my second defective filter.

Faulty Filter No. 2: I was afraid I couldn’t take care of myself financially.

Without a college degree one can only hope to scratch out a living. With a small child, there were many times I worked two jobs to make ends meet. When I was 30, I was separated from my second husband with two small children. I worked full time as an advertising salesperson; every day I snuck away from that job at noon to work as a waitress on the lunch shift. Driving to the restaurant my first day at work, I was broke, my gas tank needle was on empty, and I desperately needed money for gas. I was terrified my car would croak on the side of the road, I would be late for my first day at work, and I would lose my waitress job. I placed a small piece of paper on the dashboard to hide the gas needle (out of sight, out of mind, so to speak), and I prayed, Please, Dear God, let my car travel on fumes. Fifteen miles later I pulled into the restaurant parking lot. I earned enough tip money to buy gasoline and I drove myself back to my sales job.

Faulty Filter No. 3: I was afraid of being alone and lonely.

I was in my 50s when Dr. Dirtbag and I broke up. My mature age intensified my fear filter. I was afraid of being alone. I was afraid men would no longer find me attractive. I was afraid if I got sick, there would be no one to take care of me. I was afraid I would never find another relationship with such intense emotional and physical connection.

Security was the underlying, driving force in my life, and even though Dr. Dirtbag was a lying, abusive, controlling tyrant, I clung to him as if my life depended on it—because my faulty, distorted mindset believed he would take care of me for the rest of my life.

If you continue to view the world through a filter created by past events, then you are allowing your past to control and dictate both your present and your future.

—Dr. Phil McGraw

I believe that we can alter our destiny in any given moment by changing our thoughts.

I realized I couldn’t change my filter—my lifelong need for security—but I could change my belief that I couldn’t take care of myself.

Logic helped me to understand that my lifelong thoughts of needing a man’s financial support were delusive and incorrect. I told myself, "You’re an intelligent, capable, mature woman. You’ve taken care of yourself all your life. You have always had a job, sometimes you’ve worked two jobs to make rent—but you’ve always made it. You have your own good credit, a home (sometimes with a roommate), a houseful of furniture that you purchased over the years. Your car is paid for (you did that too!).

WHY did I ever believe that I couldn’t take care of myself?

Whatever you worry most about in life, will filter the way you view your life

When I thought about the three things I needed most in a relationship: trust, communication and security, I realized none of these qualities ever existed with Dr. Dirtbag. He was an illusion, an elaborate façade of superficial charm, feigned emotions, sexual excitement and empty promises. The fallacy was—there was never true security with him. I never knew when he was going to walk through the door and bombast me with a cutting remark. I never knew when he was going to get drunk and embarrass me in public with his obnoxious behavior and mindless braggadocio. I never knew when he was going to bushwhack me with his hurtful comments while eating dinner in a restaurant. I never knew when he was going to lie about an investment or bank account. I never knew when he was going to blatantly, salaciously flirt with another woman, and then get angry at me for confronting him. I never knew when he was going to withdraw and punish me with his silence, or get mad at me, abandon me and abruptly go on a golf trip with his buddies.

Here’s the joke: My security blanket was a boozing, delusional, deceiving, self-promoting dirtbag. The reality was: I would have been safer sleeping in the street under a micro-suede bedspread from Walmart.

Are your filters distorted and destructive? Ask yourself:

Are you fearful, needy and codependent?

Are you resentful?

Do you have a chip on your shoulder?

Are you overly critical and highly opinionated?

Are you mistrusting?

Are you self-serving?

Are you naïve and blindly trusting?

Yes to any of these questions indicates an unhealthy, distorted filtering system.

My Homeless Woman Within falls asleep in her automobile, wrapped in a recycled Martha Stewart comforter, content, knowing that when the sun rises Dr. Dirtbag won’t be there to verbally batter her.

The heart wants what the heart wants.

Ijust couldn’t understand it. As horrible as Dr. Dirtbag was to me, why did I keep going back to him for more of the same abuse?

My relationship with Dr. Dirtbag was a vicious, injurious cycle of abuse, with varying stages of love and affection—arguments and verbal battering—rejection, withdrawal and separation—a cooling off period—band-aid apologies—make-ups and intervals of pseudopeace. I knew in the pit of my soul that he was never going to change. He wasn’t going to stop drinking and he wasn’t going to stop lying and verbally abusing me. He seemed to be permanently broken and content to inflict pain on me. Either way, it seemed like a no brainer—right? Not so when our hearts are thinking for us.

It had been a year since Dr. Dirtbag and I were together, and yet, I continued to agonize over the loss of him throughout the day and night. I begged God for an understanding of WHY our dreamlike relationship had failed so miserably. I prayed to understand HOW I could still love an abusive, maiming monster, and I begged for release from the demonic hold he had on my heart. My answer came in the self-help book, A New Earth, by Eckard Tolle.

According to Eckard Tolle, every person has within them an accumulation of old emotional pain that is revived continuously and becomes part of our sense of self. Tolle coined this psychological state as a person’s pain-body. He says, we unknowingly seek the emotional pain from the past relationships of our childhood, adolescence, teen and young adult years, for that pain is familiar and oddly comfortable. Sometimes, when similar pain-bodies collide, men and women believe they have met their soul-mate. A woman, who was abused by her father, may feel a magnetic pull to a man who will give her more of the same pain. The emotional intensity of that pain is sometimes misinterpreted as falling in love. A young girl, who witnessed her father verbally or physically abuse her mother, might not think it so bad when her boyfriend occasionally slugs her. His behavior is not foreign to her, and can even be within her comfort zone. Or a man who never received the mother’s love that he needed as a child, may, as an adult, manifest hatred and a compulsion to conquer and seduce almost every woman he meets to gain the female love and attention that his pain-body craves.

We are drawn to people who mirror our pain-bodies

The Victim Pain-Body

She dated men who supported her role as the victim.

The victim mindset gravitates to people who are certain to maltreat her. She attracts and dates men who are arrogant, self-absorbed and uber-controlling. Her friends and family see through her boyfriend’s calculating, charming facade, and they warn her to stop dating him. The victim ignores their pleas, and she becomes intimately involved him. He quickly drops his nice guy façade, and then she bawls to everyone about his deceit, infidelity, and verbal and physical abuse. She sucks you into her drama with her woe-is-me stories and feigned helplessness. Being a good friend, you try to save her from her stupidity, and seemingly, her inability to take care of herself, emotionally or financially. She rejects your advice. She faults everyone for her problems and unhappiness. She continues her relationship with a toxic, abusive personality. She wears you out with her see-saw emotions, her constant crying jags, and her unwillingness to take responsibility for her dilemma. And when her abuser dumps her (which they always do), she blames the demise of her relationship on his dysfunctional behavior.

The victim craves validation and acceptance.

Rita’s last boyfriend, Vince, was a real work of art. Vince, age 62, tried desperately to be Brad Pitt. He teased and combed back his thin hair, holding it in place with cement spray. He wore a 2-day stubble