Perception: A German Love Story

Chapter 1

I stood pressed against the wall, my heart pounding fast, my breath coming in short gasps. I dared to peek around the corner into the now deserted break hall of the Albert Einstein Gymnasium. Dumb was nowhere to be seen. I relaxed. Our chase had begun in the rec room for the Oberstufe. When he had entered the room, his gaze had fallen on me and I had known what was about to come. I had taken the coward’s option: flight. Unconsciously, I rubbed the left side of my stomach where the last bruise he had given me was still healing. This hadn’t been the first souvenir and wouldn’t be the last one.

Dumb… Tim… I tried not to call him by the nickname all the other pupils were using. Sometimes, it was just too easy to forget about this. His academic record was abysmal. He had had to repeat two classes in the Mittelstufe. As a result, he was two years older than most of us. His grade average was always close to failing. I didn’t hold that against him. What really warranted his nickname was the fact that he was Nicholas Vormann’s puppet. Nicholas was every teacher’s darling and the undisputed ruler of our school. His reign was one of intrigue and deception. Most pupils didn’t even know that he was in charge, but I knew him from kindergarten on, knew of his manipulative ways. That was the reason why I had made his blacklist. The fact I was the chief editor of the school newspaper didn’t help, either. In his world of plans and counter plans, that position gave me enough potential power to damage him. Moreover, I outperformed him in every single subject, putting him in second place which enraged him beyond reason. To the outside, he was very keen on presenting our relationship as being one of friendly competition. Behind the scenes, he was pulling the strings of Dumb—Tim to get back at me. Though Tim wasn’t really to blame, it was his fists that reminded me of my position.

I took another look around the corner; still no one to be seen. I almost jumped out of my skin when a hand touched my shoulder. I spun around. It was Christina, whom I considered one of my best friends. She was small, even for a girl, and her pudgy face was framed by curly, blonde hair that reached down to her shoulders. Her green eyes were magnified by the glasses she was wearing, giving her an owlish look.

Never do that again! I glowered at her.

What are you doing here, Marcel?

It was almost impossible to irritate her, which in return was very irritating.

I’m playing hide-and-seek with Tim.

Oh. Again?

Not much of a choice.

You’re seventeen years old, turning eighteen in two months. Don’t you think there are other ways to deal with Dumb?

My mind agrees; my body begs to differ. It just loves being unharmed too much. Nature obviously forgot to give me the equipment to fight the local dim-witted soccer hunk.

I was tall, but lanky. Tim was my height, but more muscled by far. Besides soccer, rumors had it that he spent much time in the gym. My idea of having a nice afternoon didn’t include any iron but a good book, a pen and paper.

I wasn’t talking about whacking each other’s lights out.

I doubt that Tim ‘Dumb’ Eschner is willing to sit down with a cup of herbal tea to discuss the wrongs of physical violence.

Who’s playing dumb now?

I didn’t want to admit it, but she was right.

I looked into her eyes. I’m sorry, but in less than a year, school’s over. I’ll just evade him as much as I can, and then I’ll never see him again just to live happily ever after.

Stop your brown-eyed puppy dog look. You know it doesn’t work on me. If that’s what you want. But a year can be a long time in a school like this. Being a coward doesn’t really suit you. Christina turned around and left me standing at the corner.

I didn’t give much credence to the opinions of others, but coming from her, it hurt. I lay back against the wall and closed my eyes. If there was anything I could do besides running away, it hadn’t occurred to me. I opened my eyes and checked the break hall again. No Tim there. A hand touched my shoulder.

I turned around. I’ve told you not to…

Tim stood before me, his hand grasping my shoulder.

Chapter 2

Tim’s fingers pressed into my flesh, causing me increasing pain. I looked into his eyes. What took me by surprise was the emotion I saw in the piercing blueness: not rage, but sadness. In the light of what Christina had said before, I studied Tim, hoping to find a hint, an idea, an alternative. I had never realized it before, and it was a most mistimed observation, but Tim was quite handsome. He was tanned, though it was September. His chin and his cheeks were angular, very manly. He had barely tamed his dark blond hair, adding to the male and adventurous impression. Tim’s build was athletic, but not too extreme. One could clearly see the muscles bulging against his clothes.

Why do you keep saying such things about me?

Tim, I don’t have the slightest idea what you’re talking about.

I know I’m not as clever as you are, but why do you go around school and tell everyone that I’m dumb?

I never…

Don’t lie to me! Nicholas told me everything.

Nicholas. I almost spat his name. Terrifying, how much contempt I was feeling for him. Nicholas is the one lying here. I’ve never said a word about you.

Don’t call my best friend a liar!

Without intention, I had pushed Tim over the edge, the edge I had intended to keep him away from. He drew back his fist and hit me hard on the right lower side of my abdomen. The impact pushed the air out of my lungs in a fierce cough. Before my eyes, little white bubbles formed and burst in bright flashes again. I sank to my knees, holding my stomach. For some terrible seconds, I couldn’t breathe, panic rising in me.

Tim dragged me to my feet. Why do you say such bad things about people?

I was glad that I could breathe again, but answering him was still impossible. His fist hitting my left side was the reply to my silence. Gasping for air, I held my abdomen.

Mr. Eschner! Stop it at once! The voice of Dr. Vogel, the school’s vice principal, boomed through the corridor.

I looked at Tim. The sadness in his eyes had been replaced with sheer panic. The portly frame of Dr. Vogel was looming over us. Tim and I were quite tall, but the vice principal towered well above us. His mere presence made all pupils think twice before violating the school rules.

Are you all alright, Mr. Ritter?

Speaking was still difficult for me, so I simply nodded.

Okay. To my office, you two. Now!

We followed Dr. Vogel. Tim looked devastated. Though I had all reasons to gloat, I felt pity for him. My problems may have been solved, but not the way I would have liked them to.

In the office, Dr. Vogel gestured at two chairs standing in front of his desk. The desk was littered with files and records. I wondered how he could find anything in the mess, but the vice principal produced Tim’s file without the slightest hesitation. When Dr. Vogel let himself slump into his own chair, it moaned audibly.

He opened the file and his frown deepened even more. Mr. Eschner, do you have the courtesy to explain to me why you assaulted Mr. Ritter?

He… he was saying things about me and my friends…

Mr. Ritter, did you spread rumors about Mr. Eschner and his friends?

No, sir, I said in a low voice. I may have been the victim, but being questioned by Dr. Vogel made me feel guilty nonetheless.

And even if Mr. Ritter had bad-mouthed you, beating him wouldn’t be the solution. I hope your teachers and your parents have told you so.

Yes, sir. Tim’s voice was as low as mine.

Your file on my desk isn’t a coincidence, Mr. Eschner. We checked your grades. If you don’t improve significantly in at least three courses, I’m afraid we cannot admit you to the Abitur exams.

I wished I was somewhere else. Having such a message delivered to you was hard enough, but being told that you would eventually fail in the presence of the person you loathed the most was almost torture. I commiserated with Tim.

We wanted to offer you the possibility of repeating the twelfth grade. I think we’ll refrain from this option. Your attack on Mr. Ritter gives me severe doubts whether the Albert Einstein Gymnasium is the right place for you.

Tim swallowed hard. His eyes were glistening. My sense of pity deepened. Christina’s words echoed in my mind.

I gathered all my courage to speak up to the vice principal. Dr. Vogel, I don’t think it’s appropriate to expel Tim just because of a… misunderstanding.

Four eyes were staring at me — one pair in utter disbelief, the other one in annoyance.

Even if you don’t press charges, I can’t ignore what I witnessed. If Mr. Eschner doesn’t pass, he’ll leave.

But if I pass, I can stay? It seemed as if my boldness to speak had encouraged Tim as well.

The eyes of Dr. Vogel went darker, giving away that his annoyance with us had just gone up a notch.

We are talking about three courses here. You have to pass them with at least ten points, a B-minus. You will need a lot of help to get there, Mr. Eschner. Dr. Vogel’s eyes fell on me. Mr. Ritter? Don’t you have a straight fifteen point average in history, physics, and mathematics? Physics and mathematics are your majors, aren’t they?

Yes, sir. I didn’t like the way this conversation was heading.

Excellent. Since you’re so concerned about Mr. Eschner’s school career, you’ll tutor him in these three subjects, Mr. Ritter. Perhaps learning together will also help you overcome your differences. He opened a drawer in his desk and took a key from it. This is the key to one of the spare rooms. It’s not large, but there’s a table and two chairs. You can work there. He handed it to me. And listen, Mr. Eschner. If I happen to hear that you only looked the wrong way at another pupil, you’ll leave this school faster than you can say ‘Sorry.’ Is that clear?

Yes, sir.

The next written exams will take place in four weeks. Make good use of this time. You may go now.

Tim and I jumped up from our seats and left the room as fast as possible. I couldn’t help but have the feeling that we both had been punished. What had I gotten myself into? Teaching the very person that had made my life miserable seemed so unreal. On the other hand, I wouldn’t have to feel responsible for Tim’s expulsion, however illogical this sentiment was. I turned to him. Tim had slumped against the wall just right of the vice principal’s office and was sitting on the floor.

He pulled up his legs, and his head rested on his knees. That’s it. I might as well leave school right now.

But we’ve still got time.

Why should you tutor me? You haven’t much reason to, have you?

I knelt down beside him, putting my hand on Tim’s arm. It was a bad habit of mine to touch the people I was talking to.

First of all, you may think of me as a rotten, lying asshole, but I keep my obligations. And I do believe in second chances. We didn’t have the best of starts, but that doesn’t mean we can’t get along.

Tim had been looking into my eyes, but now his gaze wandered to my hand on his arm. I retracted it.

His eyes found mine again. Do you think it’ll work? Can I catch up?

I don’t know.

You’re more honest than I thought. He extended his hand. Second chance?

Second chance!

We shook hands.

I got up and helped Tim to his feet. Let’s start tomorrow. I’ll talk to your teachers for some hints.

We didn’t have any of these courses together, so I wasn’t sure what they had covered so far.

Okay. What about three?

See you then.

Usually, I went home by bus, but ‘usual’ wasn’t the correct word to describe today. Walking home would take me three quarters of an hour, time I longed to spend thinking about today’s events. My first attempt at not being a coward had produced different results than expected, but thinking about it, those results weren’t too bad. While tutoring Tim, I was off limits to him. If we succeeded, I could expect enough gratitude to be left alone. If we failed, the problem would solve itself.

Plans and counterplans. Sounds like Nicholas.

I wouldn’t let Tim down and would give my best to help him. Unlike Nicholas, I didn’t see him just as a tool to achieve my goals. Still, he was the one who had roughed me up time and again. Despite my high-spirited words about second chances, I wasn’t sure I could forget about the pain and the bruises so easily. Those conflicting feelings — the wish to help and the fear of Tim — accompanied me on my way home and kept coming back as variations on a monotonous theme.

When I arrived at the door of our flat, I hadn’t reached a conclusion yet. Of course not. I had just entered home when Mom’s head appeared in the door to the kitchen.

Hi, Marcel-darling. You’re late. She beamed at me.

I wasn’t used to her new short haircut yet. All my life, my mom had had long, blonde hair. Some four weeks ago she had decided for a change.

What’s up, dear? Something happened at school?

To my mom, I was an open book. She had demonstrated the ability to tell me what I was thinking countless times, and still it shocked me.

Nothing important, Mom.

You know you can talk about everything with me.

And you know I don’t want to talk about everything with you.

She laughed. For me, you’re still my little baby, but if you need some privacy, I’ll have to accept it… grudgingly.

I nodded.

Oh. Give me that sweater you’re wearing. I was about to start the washing machine.

I didn’t even have the chance to object. She crossed the distance between the kitchen and the entrance door while talking. Now, she was tugging up the sweater.

She froze. What’s that?

Two large black bruises had formed where Tim’s fists had made contact with my stomach.

Nothing. I stepped back and pulled down my sweater.

It was that Eschner boy, wasn’t it?

It won’t happen again.

Once a bully, always a bully.

I’ll teach him. I immediately regretted that I had said it.

I had intended to tell my parents about the tutoring, because I’d be late from school for the next few months and there was no way they wouldn’t inquire, but using it as an argument in a quarrel wasn’t the best way to do so for sure.

You will what?

I’ll teach him. If he doesn’t pass three courses with good grades, he’ll have to leave school.

That would be bad because…? She was fuming. The friendliness that always shone from her eyes was gone.

You and Dad taught me about second chances. I want to help him because it’s the right thing to do.

My mom’s lips curved into a smile. The rage in her eyes had made place for friendlier emotions.

She touched my cheek. I’m so incredibly proud of you. Of course, it’s the right thing to do. I just want to be sure that you won’t get hurt again.

Getting to know Tim is perhaps the best way to make sure.

Her smile deepened. I touched my mom’s hand on my cheek.

When did you get so wise beyond your years? I can still remember you crawling around here on all fours.

Mom!

She let out a laugh. Give me the sweater, darling. In the bathroom, there is some ointment that should help with those. She removed her hand from my face and gestured toward my abdomen.

I got rid of the pullover and handed it to her. Thanks, Mom, I said softly.

Telling Dad was easy with Mom on my side. The two men in this household knew who was holding the reins.

It was difficult to fall asleep that evening. Too many thoughts were struggling for my attention. In addition, a tingling nervousness had settled in my stomach. How would I fare as a teacher? How much was Tim willing and able to learn? What would my friends say? For the last question, I had a simple answer: I wouldn’t tell them. At least, not immediately. Was this the coward Marcel speaking again? Questions within questions within questions. After some three hours, my body gave up and tried to silence my mind in a drowsy half-sleep… with dubious success.

Chapter 3

On Wednesday morning, I thrived on cola and coffee. The last night hadn’t been exactly restful, but with every hour that passed, more of the nervousness returned and replaced the exhaustion. I had talked to Tim’s teachers. They had all been very sympathetic. All three of them had told me that Tim was shy and silent in class. That was unexpected. I wondered how many of the things I ‘knew’ about Tim were actually preconceptions. In addition, the teachers had stressed how much difficulty Tim had in grasping abstract concepts. A nagging feeling of doubt crept into my mind. The teachers had studied to educate and had failed. How I was supposed to do better was beyond me. I still had a half hour, but I was too excited to do anything useful, so I went straight to the room with some books under my arm.

Dr. Vogel hadn’t exaggerated. A table and two chairs filled up almost all of the space. I wasn’t sure what the original purpose of this room had been. Since there was no window, my best guess was some kind of storage compartment. A fluorescent tube illuminated the room with a cold, artificial light. The smell of old paper hung in the air. The prospect of spending the afternoons over the next few months in this cell didn’t help my mood. I put the books on the table and sat down on one of the chairs. I checked my watch, which told me that there were still twenty minutes left. Patience and waiting definitely weren’t my greatest talents.

At five minutes before three, a knock on the door made me jump up. It opened and Tim’s head appeared. For the first time I could remember, I saw him smile. And that smile suited his face much more than the anger and grief it normally bore when he was around me.

I wasn’t sure you would come, Tim said with a weak voice.

His smile deepened, reaching his eyes. It was impossible to be mad about the implied doubt of my motives when looking into his face.

Why shouldn’t I?

He shrugged. Tim was wearing a shirt that he hadn’t buttoned up completely. His smooth and muscled chest peeked through the opening. He had rolled up the sleeves over half his biceps. There was no doubt left whether he was a regular gym attendee. Tim sat down, as did I.

I’ve talked to Mr. Schmidt, Mrs. Grawe, and Mr. Koenig about your courses. They told me what you have covered so far and pointed out additional material we can work with. I hinted at the books on the table.

Did they tell you how dumb I really am?

I sought his eyes and expected to find sarcasm in them. It shocked me that I saw genuine sadness instead.

No. No one said something like that about you.

But you think I am dumb?

Anger welled up in me, directed at Nicholas. I could only suspect what kind of lies he had come up with, but this time, I would be more diplomatic about that special subject.

Please listen. I don’t know how Nicholas could misunderstand me so completely, but I never said I thought you were dumb.

You never said it, but you do think it, don’t you?

Performing well in school and intelligence are two different things. True, you’re failing your courses, but I don’t think that’s because you aren’t clever enough.

His blue eyes locked onto mine. He was looking for something inside of them. His gaze felt piercing and I had a strong urge to look away, but I knew that this was a crucial moment. It was necessary to show him that I really intended to help him. If he didn’t trust me, we couldn’t succeed. So I endured those long moments of being measured. His face relaxed.

You do mean it. That sentence wasn’t directed at me, but at himself.

I acknowledged it with a nod only and opened one of the mathematics books that Mrs. Grawe had suggested. A dark brown strand of hair fell into my eyes, and with an automatic motion, I put it behind my ears.

Mrs. Grawe said we should start with differentiation and its applications. I looked up at Tim who made an uneasy face. I grinned, trying to encourage him. We’ll take it slow.

And slow it was. I tried multiple times, using different approaches, just to get the basic definitions and calculation methods into him. He was cooperating, as far as I could tell, but after two hours, we still hadn’t accomplished much. Perhaps, mathematics had been a bad topic to start with.

We’ll try history tomorrow. I grinned again.

It hurt me to look at Tim, who was showing the same desperation I had witnessed after leaving Dr. Vogel’s office.

It won’t work.

"Listen. I’m too stubborn to give up just like that. It was our first try. What