Goodbye, Short Bus: Embracing your Child and Accepting Your Life to Overcome Autism

Enjoy!

INTRODUCTION

Pain is a great motivator; it gets us to change.

—Unknown

Stop with the judgmental looks and disapproving stares. Yes, my child runs me ragged, and I have no control over him whatsoever! Before you conveniently label me as a terrible mother and a pushover, come into my world and let’s see whether you can solve the riddle of how the most charming and sweetest boy you will ever meet can suddenly go for your jugular simply because you touched the wrong colored car while playing. If you really want to piss me off, tell me, Well, he seems okay to me right now, All kids act out, My toddler is a picky eater, too, and Boys just tend to talk later than girls. Clearly, you have no business talking to me and you need to back away.

Yes, he is autistic, so forgive me if he can’t share with your child the steering wheel that he has obsessively been spinning for the last twenty minutes on the playground. I did not bring my disclosure forms to pass out to every mom here, so you would know why he does not talk, share, keep his hands to himself, or act appropriately with your children. Sorry, this is not an obvious disability, so you can conveniently categorize him as special needs. Unless you are in this situation yourself, you will never understand, and you don’t get it!

Welcome to the sometimes hostile and irrational thoughts of a mother with an autistic child. The amount of pressure and discrimination society puts on autistic children can, at times, be too much to bear! Some days it has taken every ounce of my energy just to hold in my feelings and thoughts and not explode or scream! Society’s interpretation of autism and other special needs diagnoses can be so isolating and cruel at times that it makes it difficult for a parent to find a place of acceptance.

However, if you’re reading this book, I suspect you are a parent of an autistic child or at least you have a relationship with one. Do you feel the same way? Are you angry? Do you feel your child is being labeled and judged? Do you feel hopeless and alone? Do you question why God has given you a life filled with angst? Are you looking for a path to find answers? Are you desperate to feel a sense of normalcy and joy? Have you become willing to examine every possibility to find new answers? Are you depressed due to the level of stress in your life? Are you yearning to feel a connection again with your spouse and to begin rebuilding your family? Are you tired of riding on the medication wagon and still feeling like crap? If you want to feel hopeful and experience a restored sense of happiness, and if you want to regain your health without taking a single prescription, then you found the right book!

You are not alone. I understand the pain and heartache you feel. I know what it takes to raise a special needs child. I mourned the death of a dream I had for my child once I knew he was autistic; maybe you did too. I can empathize with your angst as a mom and the worry you carry in your heart about your child’s future. I share these fears and know firsthand how depression can seep its way in and take over your life.

I can also relate to how a family and marriage can begin deteriorating because of the stress incurred by raising a special needs child. I know what it is like to live with chronic pain and have your own health issues while trying to navigate your child’s diagnosis. I understand what life looks like when you are living it through the darkness of depression. I hear you, I see you, and your pain matters to me. I want you to know you are not alone!

In this book, I will guide you down a path that will show you there is hope after an autism diagnosis. I will share with you how after working with a naturopathic doctor for a little over a year my husband and I were able to find the true Matthew hiding inside behind his autistic mask and how today he is fully functioning in mainstream kindergarten. I can teach you through my experience that you can find healing, even though it is difficult, if you are willing to look within yourself and face your own demons. I will also share with you how I have enjoyed greater health despite my kidney disease, IgA nephropathy, after giving up medication and following a naturopathic route to wellness.

In this book, I will speak candidly about my marriage and how it was affected by having an autistic son. For parents with a special needs child, a divorce rate of up to 80 percent exists. But I know from personal experience that you can rebuild your family, no matter how broken it may seem. Most importantly, I will walk this journey with you so you can regain the hope you may have lost and find your joy once more. You can embrace and accept the life that has been given to you by being a parent to a special needs child.

You may be asking, What makes you an expert, Jennifer? Who are you? I am a parent and someone who loves an autistic child, just like you. And any mother out there raising an autistic child might as well be an expert in the field. There is no experience similar to raising a special needs child and riding the storm every day, all day, relentlessly, just trying to survive another day. Researching, practicing, and developing tools to find ways to cope, to help my child cope, and to help my family cope has been my full-time job for the past six years.

If that doesn’t make me an expert on what it takes to survive an autism diagnosis and come out on the other side still sane enough to remember my name, plus now to have a child who is clinically no longer considered a special needs child, then I challenge you to find anyone else more qualified. Let me be clear that while a doctor may diagnosis a child with autism, as well as Asperger’s and sensory processing integration (all of which Matthew at one time or another was referenced as having), a mother must live with that diagnosis. My focus in this book is not on the actual diagnosis or how to heal or reverse it, but rather to highlight the debilitating behaviors that made life for Matthew challenging and uncertain, and how I found a way to make those behaviors no longer a disorder. We all are on the spectrum to some degree, we all have our own personal tics, but only when these behaviors interfere with our ability to function in our day to day lives is a diagnosis is made. The real challenge for parents and children is not the diagnosis but how to live with and overcome that diagnosis to live a relatively normal life. I want to share with you how our family accomplished that goal.

You may be thinking, Yes, but you’re no doctor. You would be correct. I’m not a doctor, so before we move forward in this journey together, let me just state that conquering our child’s autism was a phenomenal gift for us. In fact, many other families have experienced what we have by being open like us to another approach to treatment. But also know that every child is different, and bodily responses and the pace of healing can also be different. With all that said, I know you will benefit from the tools you gain through coping with your child’s special needs diagnosis, and I am very hopeful that your child and family will celebrate the successes that occur for your child.

Before motherhood, I was a successful contract recruiter with a B.A. in psychology/sociology working for a staffing firm that placed people at Microsoft. Perhaps my background aided me in my fight to answer the question, Why is our child this way? and to follow my gut-wrenching instincts. I’ve spent over 5,000 hours reading, researching, and doing one-on-one therapy with my child in the hopes that I would find the answer to my burning questions: Why is my child autistic? Where is the core of his problems? Where and how do we begin? How can I fix this? I knew there had to be an answer. My son was more than his diagnosis, and I believed there must be a way to peel away the layers to find the child that was hidden behind the diagnosis.

You may realize your child is different or off somehow, but you want to believe it is just a phase he or she will outgrow. All kids go through different phases, and each one develops in his or her own time and ways. Trust me, I understand. If buying this book is your first step toward researching your child and his or her behavior, you have made a good start. Acceptance and even working through any false shame you may be feeling is a process. I know it’s not easy to acknowledge your son or daughter is different and may be a special needs child. I can also appreciate any financial fear you may have about the burden associated with potential therapy. Trust me; I have been through the hours of filling out paperwork and trying to determine which therapies to complete, while at the same time attending countless appointments and answering the same questions about my child over and over. I am here to tell you it is going to be okay, that your thoughts and feelings are normal, and that you are right where you need to be, holding and reading this book.

Let me help you find the answers you have been seeking. Let me be your support system; imagine me sitting right next to you. I want to be the someone you may have been searching for with whom you can talk. I do indeed understand your situation, and I want to help educate you about an alternative way to win the battle of autism that will be forever life-changing. I will be your mentor throughout this journey so you are not alone.

So, are you ready to find a new way of healing? Are you ready to feel the warm glow of hope resonating in your soul again? Then take a moment of silence and allow yourself to be open to embracing change because doing so will be your path to freedom. Put on your cozy stretch pants, grab a Kleenex box and some warm tea, and put in earplugs to block out the noise of your life. Close your eyes and take a deep breath. It’s time to begin a new chapter in your life and start anew. You are worth it, you are good enough, and your child’s future depends on it!

CHAPTER 1

THE START OF OUR FAMILY

"Be patient and strong;

one day this pain will be useful to you."

—Anonymous

BEFORE THE STORM

I was the girl who had it all before the storm hit. Little did I know that in a few short years, my life would literally be unrecognizable compared to what it was before. I found myself asking, How did we get here? It seemed like a bad dream, but there we were, Mike, Matthew, and I, waiting to see a psychologist at the University of Washington. We had no idea what to expect. We were told that we were going to have four consecutive sessions, and then a fifth session would entail the psychologist giving us her conclusions. I was nauseous at our first appointment due to my pregnancy. We were led into a room with a small table, chair, and bin of toys. The psychologist led us through our orientation, explaining what would transpire over the course of the appointment and the specifics of her testing tools.

Once Matthew became comfortable with the psychologist, we were asked to leave the room and observe through a small, square window. Matthew began to play and we observed while the psychologist took notes. This experience seemed surreal, and I had the urge to scream out, Why? It did not feel normal to watch my two-year-old son being evaluated by a stranger, even if she were a psychologist. That small room, her noting every move he made, me peering in from the distance—it felt like I was observing someone about to tell us that our son was crazy.

Finally, the day came in July, 2010, when we had our fifth and final meeting with the psychologist. I held my breath as the psychologist explained that Matthew had several strengths, but her professional opinion was that Matthew fell within the autistic spectrum; more specifically, she diagnosed him as having PDDNOS (pervasive developmental disorder not otherwise specified). Boom! I had come in knowing that was a possibility, but when I actually heard the words, they hit me like a sledgehammer.

In that second, my heart sank and all the dreams I had for Matthew were shattered. The word hope was no longer in my vocabulary.

I was ANGRY! Just in time, my inner voice began to yell louder and louder, Don’t give up hope! He is your son and you will fight for him! I thought about how Matthew had saved my life because my pregnancy with him had alerted the doctors to my kidney condition. Now I was in the unique position to try to save him.

Yet in that same moment, I became even more aware that I was pregnant. Now I was scared that we had made the wrong decision by having another child since we really didn’t know what our future held as Matthew’s parents. When I expressed this to the psychologist, she quickly smiled and touched my hand. She said that, in her experience, many parents choose not to have more children because of their understandable fear of the future, but she said I should be thankful to be pregnant because having a sibling is the biggest gift you can give a child with autism. Her words comforted me, but for some reason, I still had an unwavering feeling that this was just the calm before the storm.

LET THE JOURNEY BEGIN

Looking back, I have fond memories of growing up in a family full of love, with everything I could have ever hoped to have. Yet, at the same time, I was the kind of person who was always seeking something more, never quite happy with what I had. My mom would always describe me as a restless soul, always searching. I was searching for a fulfilling life that could provide me with what I believed happiness was—a life filled with spontaneity, fun, freedom to choose, laughter, learning new things, and traveling. I was always looking for the next adventure.

Although I did not realize it at the time, I was living a selfish and self-centered life. I hadn’t yet learned appreciation for anything, and I had not experienced any consequences resulting from my lack of gratitude or appreciation. Growing up, my parents had always given me what I wanted. Maybe not necessarily financially, but for certain in allowing me to have my desired experiences. This was their way of loving me and helping me to be happy.

Growing up, I was raised in the Christian tradition to believe in God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. We occasionally went to church while I was growing up, but as I got older, we stopped going all together. I never felt a real pull to any particular spirituality. I suppose I believed in a Higher Power, while not really giving it a name or centering my life on it, and you could say I felt for some reason that the world should revolve around me. I was in need of having my arrogant personality overhauled without realizing that was exactly what my future held.

I struggled most of my young life with unexplained health conditions, and I always felt I was sick with something. I had several surgeries for