Everand Logo

Welcome to Everand!

  • Discover millions of ebooks, audiobooks, and so much more with a free trial

    Only $11.99/month after trial. Cancel anytime.

    God and the Squirrels
    God and the Squirrels
    God and the Squirrels
    Ebook116 pages1 hour

    God and the Squirrels

    By TK Wade

    ()

    Read preview

    About this ebook

    Introducing the very first “bizarre fiction” by author T.K. Wade! Robert was a simple insurance salesman who’s life did not really amount to much. He hated his job and spent his days wallowing in self-pity. One day, Robert tried to run a squirrel over with his car in anger, but to God, that was the last straw. The man had to be punished, and by punishment, he would be turned into a squirrel and sent to a cutesy cartoon squirrel village until he would learn his lesson.

    “God and the Squirrels” by T.K. Wade is overflowing with fun and comedy throughout. It is filled with hilarious characters and, perhaps, a few villains. As a work of “bizarro fiction,” it attempts to make the absurd more plausible and ultimately become a joyful and sometimes a heartwarming experience. Prepare to get squirrely!

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherTK Wade
    Release dateNov 12, 2014
    ISBN9781310995439
    God and the Squirrels
    Author

    TK Wade

    T.K. Wade is a writer based in coastal North Carolina. His favorite author is L. Frank Baum who has inspired a great deal of his work. Although he specializes in children's literature, he enjoys writing in nearly every genre under the sun. He spends most of his time writing in a room filled with plush animals. Also, you can read his blog at http://tkwadeauthor.blogspot.com/Please enjoy!

    Read more from Tk Wade

    Related to God and the Squirrels

    Related ebooks

    Action & Adventure Fiction For You

    View More
    View More

    Related podcast episodes

    Related articles

    • Article

      Islanders

      Oct 13, 2022

      Islanders
      8 min read

    • Article

      A Pigeon Named Homer

      Aug 27, 2019

      A Pigeon Named Homer
      3 min read

    • Article

      “Really?”

      Jun 2, 2022

      “Really?”
      6 min read

    • Article

      Idle Horns

      Sep 10, 2022

      The tongs feel heavy in Bub’s clawed hands. Seven millennia without incident and he freezes during inspection. In front of Bub, is a thief? He’s bound by thick rope to an office chair with poor lumbar support. Bub had truly thought of everything. So

      11 min read

    • Article

      The Centre

      May 6, 2021

      The Centre
      8 min read

    • Article

      Otterly Hilarious

      Dec 20, 2022

      Otterly Hilarious
      3 min read

    • Article

      Noises In The NIGHT

      Aug 18, 2021

      Noises In The NIGHT
      3 min read

    • Article

      Lol

      Aug 1, 2023

      Lol
      3 min read

    • Article

      Lies I Tell My Father

      Feb 10, 2024

      “How’s your job at the newspaper?” my father asks me. He is sitting on a couch, a plush throw blanket spread across his legs. “The newspaper’s fine,” I lie. I lie because it is simple. I lie because it is quick. I lie because it is easier than trying

      10 min read

    • Article

      The Devil You Know

      Jul 10, 2021

      I met the Devil today. He was walking down main street, right by the undertaker in B____, which is a little town near here, and which, for obvious reasons, I’d better not name. I recognized him straight away because he had furry legs with hooves for

      8 min read

    • Article

      The Professor’s Wife

      Sep 1, 2020

      The Professor’s Wife
      8 min read

    • Article

      Dad's Best Lines

      Oct 18, 2023

      Dad's Best Lines
      4 min read

    • Article

      A Buzz In THE DARK

      Sep 16, 2020

      “When I say there was a lot going on in the master bedroom at Dear Towers one night recently, please don’t get the wrong impression. For a start, Mr D was snoring for most of the time. Perhaps that’s not fair. Mr Dear doesn’t snore as most people wo

      3 min read

    • Article

      The Memento

      Jan 16, 2022

      In the middle of the night, after a particularly tough day of interrogations in a Beijing security facility, the artist and dissident Ai Weiwei began to write what would become 1000 Years of Joys and Sorrow: A memoir. His tough, implacable interrogat

      4 min read

    • Article

      Mr D goes TOPLESS

      Apr 26, 2023

      You should probably read these opening paragraphs while hiding behind the sofa because disturbing images might be involved. You’ll risk it anyway? Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you. We have a full-length mirror in our spare bedroom, and the other day

      3 min read

    • Article

      My Job in Heaven

      Mar 22, 2019

      My Job in Heaven
      3 min read

    • Article

      “God Is A Bathtub !”

      Jul 15, 2021

      IT must be the full moon. It was all going along quite comfortably for, ooh, about nine seconds. I’d asked what the album will be like, like it tells me to in the manual. And Björk had replied, “all sorts of things”, just like pop stars are supposed

      9 min read

    • Article

      Beyond The Door

      Jun 30, 2020

      Beyond The Door
      10 min read

    • Article

      My Lucky Safari In Tanzania

      Jun 1, 2017

      My Lucky Safari In Tanzania
      11 min read

    • Article

      I Saw Plenty

      Jun 1, 2020

      I Saw Plenty
      6 min read

    • Article

      Daughter’s DILEMMA

      Dec 29, 2021

      Daughter’s DILEMMA
      3 min read

    • Article

      Following A Dream

      Sep 12, 2019

      THE OCEAN VOYAGER AND ME Di Beach Published by Amazon, 2014, £13.74 (paperback) and £5.63 (Kindle) Di Beach, 20, was living in Kampala in the 1960s with her architect husband, Rod Pickering, and their baby daughter, Jojo. One Saturday they were forag

      4 min read

    • Article

      Just a Kiss

      Jun 4, 2020

      Just a Kiss
      6 min read

    • Article

      Just Lending a Hand

      Jun 26, 2020

      Just Lending a Hand
      5 min read

    Related categories

    Reviews for God and the Squirrels

    0 ratings

    0 ratings0 reviews

    What did you think?

    Tap to rate

    Review must be at least 10 words

      Book preview

      God and the Squirrels - TK Wade

      GOD AND THE SQUIRRELS

      by

      T.K. Wade

      SMASHWORDS EDITION

      *****

      PUBLISHED BY:

      T.K. Wade on Smashwords

      Cover Art Illustrated by:

      Coy Fields II

      God and the Squirrels

      Copyright © 2014 by T.K. Wade

      Thank you for purchasing this eBook. This book may not be reproduced, copied, or distributed.

      Your support and respect for the property of this author is appreciated.

      This book is a work of fiction and any resemblance to persons, living or dead, or places, events or locales is purely coincidental. The characters are productions of the author’s imagination and used fictitiously.

      *****

      GOD AND THE SQUIRRELS

      *****

      Chapter One

      The Day Robert Met God

      It had been a terrible day for Robert. It was like everyone in the office was out to get him. Even Henry! shouted the man as he angrily walked to his car. "I never expected Henry to rat me out, but I guess peeking into the women’s restroom isn’t as sacred as it used to be. And he even called me his best bud that one time when I gave him that candy bar. Well, he isn’t getting any more candy from me unless he promises to choke on it!"

      The man leapt into his car and slammed the door closed. Robert was a redheaded man in his thirties. He worked for an insurance office two cities out from his apartment. He hated his job with a passion.

      Robert slapped his steering wheel a few times before starting it up. He sped swiftly out of the parking lot and into the road. He heard a few honks but paid them no mind.

      "How am I supposed to help it if the boss has an unreasonably sexy secretary? he asked himself. It’s a surprise to me that half the guys working with me don’t spend all day whistling at her. Damn it, but this angers me! I’m probably gonna get fired over this!"

      While on the freeway, he saw a fat, little squirrel slowly making its way across the road ahead of him. Robert grinned and thought about going for a little stress relief. Looks like you picked the wrong day to play in the road, you little rat! Robert pressed in the gas pedal and gritted his teeth tightly. He steered his vehicle straight for the little creature fully intending to run it over. In his mind, he imagined doing this to Henry, or his boss, or anyone else that had given him trouble earlier. Take this, asshole! he shouted, but the squirrel suddenly dashed away.

      Oh, no you don’t! The determined driver spun his steering wheel as if mad. The car turned about, and he sped directly towards the fleeing squirrel. Die! he shouted. Unfortunately, he briefly lost control and ran off the road. There was nothing but a tree line ahead, and he hit the brakes as hard as he could and braced for impact. A tree brought the car to a sudden halt.

      Although very shaken, Robert was unhurt; however, he could see that the front of his car was all crumpled up. Son of a bitch! he shouted as he hit the steering wheel in anger. In doing this, the airbag abruptly deployed and knocked him back into his seat. As he lay there, he grumbled aloud, Oh, God. Why me? Why does everything bad have to happen to me?

      It took some doing, but Robert managed to get his vehicle home; although, it was quite wrecked at that point. He hobbled up the stairs to his apartment and fumbled for his keys. That stupid squirrel, he said to himself. My car is wrecked because of a stupid squirrel. He unlocked the door and went inside.

      After opening up a window, the man collapsed on his couch and lit up a cigarette. Smoking was actually against policy at the apartment, but he sometimes got away with it. He sat there for a short time reflecting on his bad luck. He soon heard the sound of flapping coming from the window.

      Listlessly, he peered over and noticed a very ugly looking bird sitting on a table just inside of the window. "Is… Is that a vulture?"

      Much to his surprise, the vulture held out its wings at full span and spoke to Robert in a deep, resonant voice, "I… AM… GOD!"

      Robert blinked and then looked at his cigarette. What kind of tobacco are they putting into these things nowadays?!

      The vulture leapt from the table and alighted atop of Robert’s television. No, really, said the bird. I am actually God.

      Robert was quite perplexed. He remained seated and rubbed his chin as he contemplated the talking vulture claiming to be God. So, you are God.

      Yes, replied the bird simply.

      And of all the animals to show yourself as, you picked a vulture?

      What’s wrong with a vulture?

      Well, I would just expect that God would pick a form more like a dove… or maybe just a man with a beard.

      The vulture laughed. I happen to like vultures! I created them, didn’t I? Besides, it is a very practical bird. They clean up all the dead animals just lying about everywhere.

      Robert raised a finger. Wait! We have people who clean up all of the road kill, you know!

      The bird appeared to nod. "That’s true, but you get greater coverage with vultures because they take care of the roads and everywhere else. I’m not saying you didn’t have a point but… Actually, no. You didn’t really have a point."

      Robert groaned and stood up. Doesn’t matter. I’m not actually talking to God here anyways.

      The bird watched Robert as he meandered about the room. Why not? A talking bird is not enough for you?

      No, replied the man. I don’t believe in God. So you can’t possibly be real.

      The vulture laughed and said with sarcasm, Oh, dear! You don’t believe in me! I sure am powerless now! Whatever will I do?!

      I’m serious! shouted Robert. I am obviously dealing with so many mental issues that I am probably in dire need of a shrink. You are not a talking bird named God. You are an illusion created by Henry, my boss, that secretary’s ass, and a fat little squirrel who wrecked my car.

      The bird glared at the man. The only issues you have have to do with your own indifference. You do not seem to understand that everything bad that has happened to you was your own fault. In this light, I have come here to punish you.

      Yep! exclaimed the man. I better go ahead and make that appointment now. Five more minutes with you, and I’ll be in a straightjacket.

      You won’t be able to make that call, Robert.

      Robert turned about and asked, And why not?

      Because you’re a squirrel.

      Oh, that’s a good one! I’m a squirrel, am I?

      That’s right, Robert. Just like that one you tried to run over earlier–only not quite as fat.

      Robert rolled his eyes and turned back around, only he was shocked to find that the phone was gigantic. He looked down and saw red, furry animal toes. He checked his hands and only saw paws. He felt his face and made out the form of a squirrel head. With trembling paws, he turned around and asked the bird, Are you freaking serious?

      In a comical way, I suppose I am.

      Change me back! yelled the squirrel.

      Not until I feel you’ve been properly punished. I don’t do this very often, so I plan to see it through.

      Robert huffed and stomped about which only made him look cute as a squirrel. He yelled, This is so cliché! This is like some sort of children’s cartoon–changing me into a squirrel to teach me a lesson about trying to kill squirrels!

      The vulture laughed. I happen to like those cartoons, and besides, you are actually getting off easy. You deserved a lot worse, but I just thought this would be more fun to watch.

      The squirrel pointed, You’re a terrible God!

      "Yeah, that’s usually what they call me. Now, come

      Enjoying the preview?
      Page 1 of 1