To Be a Friend: Building Deep and Lasting Relationships
By Jerry White and Mary White
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About this ebook
Much of the conscious development of our circle of friends rests on an understanding of the elements and foundations of friendship. There is no magic formula. Friendship choices rest on principles and concepts. Friendships take effort. They hold a bit of mystery. They can’t be manufactured. But they are priceless.
Walk with Jerry and Mary White in To Be a Friend as they probe and discover together the great adventure of being and having friends.
Jerry White
Jerry White is an activist entrepreneur known for leading high-impact campaigns, three of which led to international treaties: the Mine Ban Treaty; the U.N. Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities; and the Cluster Munitions Ban. White shares in the 1997 Nobel Peace Prize awarded to the International Campaign to Ban Landmines. As co-founder of Landmine Survivors Network, he worked with Diana, Princess of Wales, to help thousands of war victims find peer support and job training. White served as U.S. Deputy Assistant Secretary of State to launch the Bureau of Conflict and Stabilization Operations, introducing advanced decision analytics to predict the outcomes of complex negotiations. He studied religion at Brown and theology at Cambridge University, with honorary degrees from the Mount Sinai School of Medicine, University of Massachusetts Boston, and Glasgow Caledonia University. White is a Professor of Practice at the University of Virginia.
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To Be a Friend - Jerry White
PREFACE
G
ET A LIFE.
Get a friend. But how? And why? If you picked up this book, you most likely have an interest in starting, developing, or repairing a relationship. Perhaps you’re eager to get more out of your friendships, frustrated with current friends, or feeling lonely. Whatever your situation, this book can help you develop new friendships and enhance the ones you have.
To Be a Friend looks at friendship like a many-sided diamond, reflecting people’s needs and aspirations. Most of us see friends through the lenses of our past relationships, both positive and negative experiences, and the desires of our hearts to know and be known. Friendship can be rewarding, fun, satisfying, and uplifting. It can also be confusing, frustrating, and disappointing. Which of these results depend on you? How much depends on the other person?
Expectations regarding friendship vary as much as people do, yet there are constants—basics—that flavor every relationship. In this book, we identify these basics to give you a framework for understanding your friendships in the past, present, and future. We want you to grasp the foundations of close friendships and recognize the problems and benefits of them. We also introduce the concept of virtuous friendship. Virtue gives a biblical and philosophical basis of friendship that goes beyond self-oriented relationships.
Much of the conscious development of our circle of friends rests on an understanding of the elements and concepts of friendship. In this book, we’ll discuss:
The foundation of good friendships
The way to begin and develop friendships
How to make and sustain lasting friendships
How to repair broken or damaged friendships
Networking your friendships
You won’t find an automatic solution for making and keeping friends. Friendships take effort. They hold a bit of mystery. They can’t be manufactured. Yet they are priceless. A friend can be one of the greatest spiritual and emotional treasures of our lives. When we lack true friends, we are isolated and lonely.
Walk with us as we probe and discover together the great adventure of being a friend and having friends.
chapter 1Chapter 1
FRIENDS MATTER
Some people go to priests; others to poetry; I go to my friends.
VIRGINIA WOOLF
At the shrine of friendship never say die, let the wine of friendship never run dry.
VICTOR HUGO, LES MISÉRABLES
D
O WE NEED FRIENDS?
Most assuredly, yes! Friends are the lifeline to a fulfilling existence. They encourage us, counsel us, support us, rescue us, challenge us, and bring us joy. One of the saddest comments we heard when talking with people about their friendships was from a man who told us, I had a friend once, but he died.
Loneliness echoed in this plaintive statement as he described life without friends.
INDELIBLE FRIENDSHIP
Like steel threads, the bonds of friendship link us with people in our past and people in our present. They can even be stronger than family bonds. William Newton was a lanky boy from the deep south of Georgia who ended up in fighting in Iwo Jima during the bloody Pacific battles in World War II. He became fast friends with Roberts, a New Yorker. In the battle, they were side by side when William was twice wounded and evacuated. For fifty years, William assumed Roberts had been killed, and he still grieved for his friend. Then at a fifty-year reunion of veterans of Iwo Jima, he put his name on a sign-up page that later got into the hands of a retired New York police detective. Roberts immediately called William. William’s son said, Marines who had gone through the hell of war together and who each had been told that his best buddy had been killed in action were reunited. Then, and now, closer than brothers.
[1]
As William and Roberts discovered, indelible connections of friendship are forged through childhood escapades, life transitions, selfless acts of kindness, and simply walking together through bonding experiences. Some of these friendships last; others fade until awakened by a memory or a chance reconnection.
We react differently with various friends; we also react differently when we’re with just one friend rather than with a group. With a loud, boisterous friend, an introvert might try to be the same. If that introvert sits with another quiet friend, the tone and energy will be muted. Friendship dynamics differ markedly with each individual friend, in groups, in diverse contexts, and with our age and stage of life.
Each of our friends has contributed to the person we have become. We are a product of our families, our times, and our geographical roots. But friends mark us in profound ways. They alter our thinking, actions, desires, and ambitions, for good and for bad.
When we were young, our friendships grew in the soil of chance encounters, our parents’ change of geography, our choice of college or university, and our early jobs. They were unplanned and unscripted, seemingly random. Yet, in reflection, God was present in each of them. Little did we know how these people would impact our lives. Each of our friends has contributed to the people we have become. We are a product of our families, our times, and our geographical roots. But friends mark us in profound ways. They alter our thinking, actions, desires, and ambitions, for good and for bad.
A LIFELINE TO A FULFILLING EXISTENCE
The need for friends spans all generations. Young children, teens, young adults, middle-aged adults, and seniors—all need friends. Friendships start in the family, where we learn acceptance, conflict resolution, enjoyment, and grace, or, on the negative side, rejection, conditional acceptance, and distrust. But a wide array of friendships outside of family enriches our lives in ways family can’t. Friendships form the lifeblood of mental, emotional, and spiritual health.
Our need for trusted relationships runs deep. We long for someone who listens to us, understands us, and keeps confidences. When one of our daughters was in grade school, she would occasionally come home crying because a friend had abandoned her. We hugged her and told her we would always be there for her. No matter that a week later, she and her friend would be best friends again, our daughter’s hurt was real. She missed her friend.
Psychiatrist Paul Tournier observed, It is impossible to overemphasize the immense need humans have to be really listened to, to be taken seriously, to be understood.
[2] Friends do these things for one another. Professionals such as pastors, psychologists, and counselors attempt to fill the void when friends do not. A friend of ours who is in counseling told us, Really, my counselor just listens while I talk.
Our friend is being helped because he feels heard and understood by this counselor.
A dear friend in his eighties reflected on his discovery of the need for friends. He said, When I came home after college graduation, I was miserable. Why? Because I didn’t have any friends to share life with. The depression into which I sank became so deep that it profoundly affected me the next two years. I was lonely beyond belief, even suicidal. I walked the streets at night, wishing I were dead. Decades were to pass before I was finally able to put all this into perspective and, at last, behind me.
He concluded, I’ve become convinced that I don’t know a whole lot about friendship but also that I need it, I want it, and, surprise, it’s a two-way street!
We talked with a group of young twentysomethings about friendship, and one young man described the value of friendships this way: I need friends in real-time experience. A friend is someone who will drop whatever he is doing in order to help me out if I need him. A close friend is someone I know I can count on.
He continued, Trust is key to close friendship. When I put my trust in someone, I believe that person is not going to turn around and use what I tell him in order to hurt me.
Some of our deepest experiences in friendship have come in relating for about three decades with three other couples in what we call our covenant group. In response to the question of why the eight of us are together, one woman said, I think originally it was that we wanted to finish well. What makes it work? It’s been iron sharpening iron, mental stimulation, discussing hard topics with one another, such as a child’s death, cancer, and parents’ deaths. So it’s been life experiences. We’ve gone on trips together, spending lots of time with people we enjoy being with. Some have spent more time with others in the group and nobody cares. There’s no jealousy or competition. We all know that when we leave, we’ll all be better for having been together.
One man, emphasizing that these were not exclusive friendships, said, I think if we all didn’t need other friends, if we didn’t have lots of friends, I don’t think we would have stuck together, because when you’re with people who feel they need you all the time, that’s not friendship. I think we have rich friendship with each other and with many others.
This journey of friendship is not a superhighway. It leads us through the back roads of our lives and helps us see the scenery we miss if we go too fast.
Lean on me when you’re not strong
And I’ll be your friend; I’ll help you carry on
For it won’t be long
’Til I’m gonna need somebody to lean on
—BILL WITHERS
THOUGHTS AND DISCUSSION
In what way do friends matter to you?
Discuss the kinds of friends you enjoy being with.
Look back on your early friendships. How did they evolve?
chapter 2Chapter 2
MAKING FRIENDS
Friendship