Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising a Child with an Uncooperative Ex: A Hands-on, Practical Guide to Communicating with a Difficult Ex-Spouse

INTRODUCTION

*jerk\’jrk\n 1 an ex-wife or ex-husband who continually annoys you with stupid, irrational, and immature behavior 2 one whose values differ so dramatically from yours that you wonder how you will ever make it through your child’s lifetime

When we originally wrote this book, we never thought it would become the second best-selling book on divorce on amazon.com—mainly because there wasn’t an amazon.com! In 1995 very few people had computers and still fewer used the Internet. What we did know, however, was that there was a substantial need for a book that could help ex-spouses communicate in the midst of a contentious divorce.

Divorce is hard on people, and it’s especially hard on children. All of the best advice that was and is currently out there can be summarized by these words: Keep the children out of it. The problem, however, is that time and again a parent would say, I’m trying, but my ex… So this book is for those of you who are trying, but your ex isn’t.

In the years since this book was published, it has helped countless people learn to communicate with their difficult ex-spouses and we know that it will continue to do so. When we reviewed it recently, though, we realized that technological changes in the past fifteen years had created yet another area that needed to be addressed: the impact of the Internet and the effects of instant and constant communication.

Because the avenues for communication have multiplied, it has become especially important to learn communication skills that will enable you not only to speak to your ex face-to-face but also to expand your proficiency with other communication tools. New forms of communication, such as texting, can be helpful or hurtful, so when and how to use these other platforms are of paramount importance. Throughout the book, whether you’re speaking to your ex, texting him or her, emailing or using another form of contact, you will discover practical, easy-to-learn techniques that will move you from insults and blame to cooperative communication.

We think you’ll see more hope in this edition than in the original. After all, we’ve had fifteen additional years of dealing with joint custody issues and practicing the principles we suggest in the book, and we’ve seen the progress and results. Children do grow up, exes do remarry, and most of the time, parents do move on to a place where they can, at least, share in the pride of their child’s many accomplishments and appreciate the efforts everyone has made.

We would like to thank the many people who made this book possible by supporting our ideas and sharing their stories with us. You will notice in this book that we alternate randomly between the pronouns he and she when referring to jerks, exes, husbands, wives and children. We know that there can be more than one child per family, but for simplicity’s sake, we often pared the examples down to situations between a parent and one child.

We would also like to thank Emilie Ross and Dennis Clawson for helping us with the manuscript, since the original version was lost on an ancient computer. And finally, we offer a special thanks to our agent, Bob Levine, and to our editor, Jennifer Weis—a big thanks for making this happen.

Julie and Judy

1.

What Did I Ever See in My Ex?

My son thinks his dad can do no wrong. But my ex lies to us all the time. He says he can’t pick up our son on Saturday morning because he has to work. When I call his office to offer to drop Danny off, he’s not there. It makes me crazy!

My ex is constantly changing her plans and then expects me to change mine. I’m really tired of it. But what can I do? If my ex cancels visitation at the last minute, I can’t leave the kids alone.

My ex is big on Facebook and Twitter, and he’s all over it with the kids and what they do each weekend, posting photos or reporting: Here we are at the park or Here we are at the zoo. I miss my kids terribly on weekends and this just makes me miss them more. How can I get him to leave the kids out of his Facebook life?

The trailers for the new blockbuster movie looked great and I really wanted to take my son. I couldn’t take him to the opening, though, because his dad had him then, so we agreed that we’d go the following weekend. But when he came home from his dad’s, he told me they’d already seen it. I was told: "It was great!" I wanted to kill my ex!!! How dare he? My son knew that I was looking forward to seeing the movie with him and then his father pulls the rug out from under our plans. He does this all the time—he constantly undermines the fun things I have planned with our son.

When the kids go to visit their father for the weekend, it’s party time. He feeds them junk, lets them stay up all night to watch R-rated movies, and has no regard for their personal hygiene. Late Sunday night, he returns them sick, tired, and dirty. I have a terrible time getting them up for school on Monday.

My ex begged for more visitation time with the kids. Now that he got what he wanted, he doesn’t actually take them more often—he thinks that talking to them via Skype counts as a visit! So I still have the child-care duties and he feels like he’s fulfilled his paternal duties by video chatting.

When we were married, my husband and I vowed to never look at each other’s email. Well, now that he’s broken all those other vows, I don’t think I need to honor this one completely. I changed my password the day he left, but he’s never bothered to change his. And while I don’t open his emails, I sometimes log onto his account to see if he’s read the ones I’ve sent him. And I read the subject lines. So now I’ve figured out that he’s dating someone and I think he’s looking to buy a house. But when I ask him if he’s dating someone and thinking of moving, he denies it!

It’s bad enough that my teenage daughter is forever on her phone, texting her friends, but on the weekends she spends with me I see her become visibly upset because her mom has texted her about something. Often it’s about how much she misses her, and sometimes it’s about cleaning her room. I’ve asked my ex to leave us alone on my time, but she just ignores this and calls, texts, or IMs at will.

My ex never bothers to repack my daughter’s clothes, schoolwork, games, and other belongings, so we always have a big scene when she returns home and realizes that she’s missing things. I’m really tired of buying her new stuff because her dad can’t remember to pack them.

My ex really wants our daughter to learn piano and I couldn’t care less. He’s always calling me to see if she’s practicing and it’s making me nuts!

SHARING CUSTODY WITH A JERK

Do you find that your ex has no respect for your time or schedule, for the values you’ve worked so hard to instill in your child, and for the lifestyle you’ve developed since your divorce or separation? Does your ex sometimes act or respond in immature, inconsiderate, and irresponsible ways? Is he or she, at times, a complete jerk?

If you are raising a child with an uncooperative ex, the scenarios we just listed most likely ring true in some form or another. In fact, if your ex-husband or ex-wife is a true jerk, you can probably add a few outrageous stories of your own. But whether you’re dealing with an ex who intentionally tries to manipulate you and your child or one who inadvertently confuses and complicates your life, there is help. This book offers simple yet effective tools and techniques that will help you communicate with your ex. In turn, this will change how your ex reacts and responds to you, regardless of whether he or she is an occasional or a chronic jerk. Instead of fighting and arguing about raising your child, you will soon be discussing and negotiating your child’s future.

Using shared custody scenarios throughout this book, we demonstrate how these communication tools and techniques will help you solve problems and bring about change in your relationship with your ex and your child. As we go along, you will be able to substitute the details of your own particular problems into the structures we have set up to decide which course of action is best for you. We revisit the problems mentioned at the beginning of this chapter as they apply in the later chapters, so stick with us.

In this book you’ll learn how to listen (as opposed to just waiting for your turn to talk), negotiate (discover win-win alternatives), teach responsibility (to your ex and your child), take responsibility yourself (without taking on the problems of others), and foster cooperation among the three (or more) of you. You’ll see that all of these are crucial elements that will ensure that you and your child survive and thrive in the aftermath of your divorce.

LIFE’S MOST IMPORTANT JOB

Raising a child is one of life’s most important and difficult tasks, yet most people undertake this enormous job with little or no experience or instruction. In fact, most people have had more instruction in how to drive a car than in how to parent a child or conduct an intimate relationship. How many parents give birth knowing how to teach responsibility to a child or to build self-esteem and instill values in their children in a world that is constantly changing? This is a tremendous responsibility and takes hard work even in an intact family. Then try accomplishing this job—raising a child and negotiating the minute details of that child’s future—with an ex-spouse whom you no longer respect and who can be uncooperative and immature and the task can feel Herculean! Not many people would volunteer for a job like this, but your child needs you to raise your hand, step forward, and say, Yes, I can!

Study after study on divorce says that your child will turn out okay if you don’t ask him or her to choose between you and your ex and if you provide your child with a stable home life. But if you are like most parents in the throes of a divorce, stability might not be your strong suit right now. That’s why it is beneficial for you to learn and use specific techniques that will enable you to handle situations with your ex in such a way that your child isn’t damaged during this unstable period of your life.

THE SCOPE OF THIS BOOK

This book deals with change. In it we present clear and practical techniques that you can use to make changes in yourself. Most of the time, the changes in your behavior will change your ex’s behavior as well. However, if your ex is threatening you or your children with violence, you need to seek professional help. Exes who lose self-control are not just jerks. They have serious problems that the police and other authorities need to know about. Included in this category is constant verbal battering and emotional torment, which can be as damaging and hurtful as broken bones. An ex who engages in these kinds of behaviors is not within the scope of this book.

Nor do we deal with deadbeat moms and dads. We define deadbeats as those parents who physically, emotionally, and/or financially abandon their children. If your ex has run off, there are legal channels to follow. Laws are getting tougher every day in every state, but it is still difficult to engage a deadbeat, and you have our sympathy.

Finally, you’ll find that we present only one person’s point of view in each example. We realize that there are two sides to every story (and sometimes three!), but if your ex were willing to discuss your parenting and divorce issues with a therapist or counselor these problems would be on their way to being solved.

This book is for the person who feels that his or her ex won’t even acknowledge that there’s a problem, for the person who feels very alone in his or her co-parenting situation. We’ve written it for those of you who are ready and willing to make the changes necessary within yourselves to be effective and resourceful in dealing with the problems that arise from sharing custody with a jerk.

Know, too, that your life will get better after divorce. If you have young children, the physical aspect of parenting will get easier as they get older. And your divorce most likely presents you with an opportunity to reinvent yourself once you move past this trying time.

KEEPING IT IN PERSPECTIVE

Divorces are usually ugly. The basic process of taking everything that was ours and dividing it into yours and mine is a negative action. On a personal level, divorces consist of one of you telling the other that you don’t want to be partners anymore. All the plans you made won’t happen now. All the sacrifices you made don’t count. The vows and promises are broken, and in the middle of your life you have to start over.

Divorce also represents the end of the fantasy of living happily ever after, of having a normal family life, of growing old with your spouse. You may now wonder who will love you when you’re old or sick and if you will ever meet someone again. You may feel like used goods. And on top of all this, your ex is a jerk!

To keep your ex’s behavior in perspective, it’s important to realize that everyone is capable of acting like a jerk at times. Your ex, your boss, your neighbor, your parents, and yes, even you possess the necessary ingredients to earn that derogatory title!

In this book, we define a jerk as someone who intentionally fouls up your plans, who doesn’t think things through, and who’s inconsiderate, either consciously or unconsciously. Jerks lie to you, blame you for things, don’t follow through and, in general irritate you. They’re selfish, spineless, and sometimes just plain