The Woman's Comfort Book: A Self-Nurturing Guide for Restoring Balance in Your Life

Introduction

How to Read This Book

It’s pouring, you had a miserable day at work, you got stuck in a traffic jam, and the only message on the answering machine is a wrong number.

or

You’re late picking up the kids from day care, you’ve got a splitting headache, the paper grocery bag splits as you walk to the front door, and you can’t remember the last time you had any time to yourself.

or

You’re exhausted, but you won’t take time off because everyone is counting on you. The phone rings, you agree to volunteer for another community fund-raiser, but as you reach to hang up, your back goes out and you end up in bed for a week.

or

All your friends are out of town, you haven’t had a decent date in months, your roommate ate the last piece of pizza, there’s nothing on TV, and you don’t feel like reading. . . .

Now, what do you do?

A. Buy a gallon of double chocolate chip ice cream and eat the whole thing?

B. Call your mother, who will tell you to stop whining, which will only make you feel worse?

C. Sleep for a month?

D. Pick up The Woman’s Comfort Book: A Self-Nurturing Guide for Restoring Balance in Your Life?

Why Nurture Ourselves?

Because self-nurturing is vital. Women take care of others every day. But how often do we turn our wonderful nurturing ability toward ourselves?

Self-care is essential for our survival; it is essential as the basis for healthy, authentic relationships; it is essential if we honestly want to nurture the people we care about.

Self-care is not selfish or self-indulgent. We cannot nurture others from a dry well. We need to take care of our own needs first, then we can give from our surplus, our abundance. When we nurture others from a place of fullness, we feel renewed instead of taken advantage of. And they feel renewed too, instead of guilty. We have something precious to give others when we have been comforting and caring for ourselves and building up self-love.

Why We Don’t Take Care of Ourselves

The synonyms in my thesaurus for nurturing are female, feminine, gentle, ladylike, tender, and womanly! As women, we are taught to meet everyone else’s needs before we nurture ourselves. And as we are groomed into compliant beings, we come to believe that the people in our lives will anticipate and meet our needs as we do theirs. When this does not happen, we begin to feel we have no right to our needs and desires. Add to this the fact that as women we have not traditionally been taught to care for our self-esteem or to value ourselves as independent, worthwhile people. What we end up with is women who are experts at nurturing others—until we drop of exhaustion or illness or escape into excessive drinking, shopping, or eating. We are goaded into devaluing self-nurturing. We either end up believing we don’t deserve self-care or, if we do, that it must be the last thing on our mighty list of Things to Do.

Defining Comfort and Self-Nurturing

I define comfort for the purpose of this book as that warm, safe feeling you get from lying in bed watching the rain fall, knowing you don’t have to go out of the house if you don’t want to. Comfort is also that vital, connected feeling you get when you talk openly with your partner or a close friend. Comfort is a place to fortify yourself for upcoming or ongoing struggles and for the challenge of inner work.

I define self-nurturing as having the courage to pay attention to your needs. Nurturing also means empowerment, the power that comes when you stretch and fulfill a goal. And finally, nurturing is celebration, taking the time to applaud being alive, being you.

Above all, I define nurturing and comfort as self-acceptance. When we finally learn that self-care begins and ends with ourselves, we no longer demand sustenance and happiness from others for our well-being. In healthy self-care, we can find the freedom to choose and direct our own lives, and that is nurturing indeed.

Why I Wrote the Book

Four years ago I thought my life had fallen apart. The crumbling started with a skiing accident. In the two years that followed, I battled depression, a creative block the size of Texas, and my body’s rebelling against me. I broke up with my partner of five years. I sold my house and moved into a six-hundred-square-foot guest house owned by nice people who drove me immediately crazy. My dog bit me. I lost the money I had made on my house in the stock market crash. I wrecked my car. My uncle died. But worst of all, I couldn’t write. My slim career as a screenwriter faded away.

My life ground to a halt. I could barely function. But that didn’t stop me from running a constant litany of self-hate and regret in my mind, while I continued to try to write. I thought I was being brave, pulling myself up by my bootstraps.

I sought counseling and was advised to stop writing. The idea came as such a shock that I remember thinking, This woman is crazy! But a few days later, still miserable and not writing, my leg in a brace, I decided to heed her advice. Suddenly I felt a weight lift from my shoulders, and a title, The Woman’s Comfort Book, popped into my head.

I now realize that ceasing to write was the most self-nurturing thing I could do. A large part of my problems, culminating in my inability to write, was the result of my putting all my effort into external achievement and placing no importance on caring for myself. I needed to trust what my inner voice was telling me, which was to slow down, take some time to care for me. But I felt too guilty about not being ambitious to heed my intuition. And so a dangerous prison formed: I couldn’t take time to care for myself because I felt I should keep working, but I couldn’t write because I wasn’t nurturing myself. What a mess!

I began to learn (very, very slowly) the primary importance of self-nurturing. I read everything I could find on the subject. I experimented with journal exercises, art therapy, bodywork, Native American ritual, and hypnotherapy. I interviewed women I heard about who were exceptional at caring for themselves. I mailed hundreds of questionnaires to women around the world, asking what they did for comfort. I continued in therapy, which remains one of the best moves I’ve ever made. I began to realize many, many women are in my shoes. We all need, for a wide variety of reasons, to learn to nurture ourselves, but we have little support and limited ideas on how to accomplish this.

Over the course of five years, I have learned how to integrate self-nurturing into my life. That doesn’t mean I have mastered the art. Self-care remains a challenge, but an extremely enriching one. I have put this book together as a way to share what I have learned, and I conduct workshops for other women struggling with self-nurturing.

How to Use The Woman’s Comfort Book

This is a reference book. It suggests things to do instead of telling you why you should do them. You don’t need to read it all in one sitting. References to other chapters appear in the margins because many of the chapters are interrelated. For example, Sweet Scents and Herbal Help contain bathing recipes you can use in Bathing Pleasures. In Heal Your Habitat you will find ideas for simplifying your environment, and in Simplify there are ideas for simplifying other areas of your life.

Flip through the book. Read what interests you, what comforts you. Or refer to the chart in the middle of the book for a list of chapters that relate to whatever ails you. I hope you find enough range here to help you in many different moods and at many different times in your life. Maybe something that seems silly or too involved now will appeal to you later. Ultimately, comfort is a very personal experience. My hope is this book will provide inspiration for your personal exploration of what is comforting and nurturing to you.

About Relaxing

Throughout the book you will see the word relax like this:

Relax.

I have used it as a kind of shorthand for the meditations throughout the book so you won’t have to reread the same relaxation instructions over and over. When you see relax, refer back to this chapter for help, or relax in any manner that works for you.

Most of the meditations in this book are short enough for you to read through, then close your eyes and recall. But a few longer guided visualizations are included. The best thing to do with these is to read them into a tape recorder, leaving appropriate pauses where you imagine you will need a little more time. Try playing music in the background while you record.

Relax

Lie down someplace quiet. Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Hold it for a moment. Slowly let it out. Inhale. Imagine you are breathing pure relaxation in. Hold your breath. Now exhale, and imagine you are breathing out all the tension of your day, your week, your life. Do this a few more times.

Check your body. Are there areas of tension? Inhale, and send your breath of pure relaxation to the tense area. Imagine your breath curling around the knotted muscle, the stored stress. Exhale sharply, expelling every bit of tension from this area. Do this to all other tense areas in your body. Take all the time you need. Now, imagine someone is giving you a gentle massage. The hands touching you are full of love. You are now filled with a deep and wonderful inner calm, and you are ready for whatever you want to do next.

Checking Your Basic Needs

What Is It?

A need is something we require for our well-being, like food, sunlight, contact with other humans; our needs should be nonnegotiable, things we cannot do without. But sometimes we get so wrapped up in life, in surviving, in getting ahead, in taking care of others, we lose sight of these basic requirements. Don’t let that happen! Healthy self-care begins with checking to see if you are meeting your basic needs and then working to fulfill them.

You’ll Need:

A pencil.

When to Do This:

• When you are vaguely dissatisfied, depressed, or tense.

• When you can’t remember the last time you got a good night’s sleep, relaxed, or ate a healthy meal.

What to Do:

Checklist

This list will help you create a picture of your lifestyle. Check off the needs you are meeting regularly.

_____Do you usually get six to eight hours of sleep?

_____Do you eat something fresh and unprocessed every day?

_____Do you allow time in your week to touch nature, no matter how briefly?

_____Do you get enough sunlight, especially in the wintertime?

_____Do you drink enough water?

_____Do you see your gynecologist (or the equivalent) at least once a year?

_____Do you see a dentist every six months?

_____Do you know enough about your body and health needs?

_____Do you get regular sexual thrills?

_____Do you feel you get enough fun exercise?

_____Are you hugged and touched amply?

_____Do you make time for friendship? Do you nurture your friendships?

_____Do you have friends you can call when you are down, friends who really listen?

_____Can you honestly ask for help when you need it?

_____Do you regularly release your negative emotions?

_____Do you forgive yourself when you make a mistake?

_____Do you do things that give you a sense of fulfillment, joy, and purpose?

_____Is there abundant beauty in your life? Do you allow yourself to see beauty and to bring beauty into your home and office?

_____Do you make time for solitude?

_____Are you getting daily or weekly spiritual nourishment?

_____Can you remember the last time you laughed until you cried?

_____Do you ever accept yourself for who you are?

These questions are not meant to make you feel bad or guilty. They are only meant as kind reminders to help you see how you are currently caring for yourself.

A Good Question

Get in the habit of asking yourself, as often as possible, this magic question:

      What do I need to help me better care for myself right now?

Slow down whenever you feel tense, strange, or rotten, and take a minute to consider the question. This process will help activate your intuition and speed you toward developing a range of ways to nurture yourself more deeply.

See "When I Think of Comfort, I Think of Food: Truly Comfort Yourself; Money, Money, Money: Inherit from Your Intuition The Shadow Side of Comfort: Mindful Comfort; and Simplify: Three Good Questions" for more help activating your inner voice.

RESOURCES:

Too Good for Her Own Good, by Claudia Bepko and Jo-Ann Krestan (Harper & Row, 1990). Very helpful book about self-nurturing and how it relates to the feminine mandate of being good.

Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom: Creating Physical and Emotional Health, by Christiane Northrup (Bantam Books, 1995). Think of it as a more empowering and holistic Our Bodies, Ourselves.

The Wisdom of Menopause, by Christiane Northrup (Doubleday, 2003). Extremely comprehensive although sometimes a bit overwhelming.

Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living, by Pema Chodron (Shambhala, 2001). No need to wait for things to change to start creating more inner peace and wisdom.

The Intimacy and Solitude Workbook, by Stephanie Dowrick (Norton, 1996). A phenomenally powerful workbook about finding yourself while still being in a relationship.

Breathing: The Master Key to Self-Healing, by Andrew Weil, M.D. (Sounds True, 1999). One of the best relaxation/consciousness tapes that is also widely available.

Comfort Journal

What Is It?

Remember rainy days when you were young? Coloring books spread across the kitchen table or watercolors washed across paper? Or perhaps you liked to make up stories? Lost in your imagination, the rain beating a soft rhythm on the roof, you could spend hours playing.

A comfort journal is a safe place where you can doodle, compose, paste, and jot anything that relates to your ideas of self-nurturing. It is a place where you can lose yourself in creating your personal sourcebook of comfort. You will be comforted when you work in it and comforted when you look back through it.

A comfort journal is not about art, perfection, or genius. Making a comfort journal is about doing what pleases you, what helps you feel playful and free. Immerse yourself in the process of discovery!

You’ll Need:

Your wonderful, boundless imagination.

Any of the supplies listed below under Creative Tools.

When to Do It:

• When you feel the need to lose yourself in creative activity for its own sake.

• When the part of you that is still a child wants to get messy.

• When you are exploring what is comforting to you.

• When you are crabby or restless.

What to Do:

Creative Tools

Following is a big list intended to jog your creative side. Please don’t think you need to spend a lot of money. Look around your house. Clean out drawers. When you are buying art supplies for your kids, buy some for yourself too.

• An eight-by-twelve sketch book with a durable cover or an eight-by-twelve spiral notebook with drawing paper and pocket folders for odds and ends.

• Colored cellophane. Clay. Crayons, Cray-Pas, fluorescent Crayolas.

• Fabric scraps. Felt. Feathers. Flowers.

• Glue. Glue sticks work great too.

• Leaves. Letters. Bring out comforting letters and photocopy them.

• Magazines. Clip pictures that appeal to you. Store them in a basket or folder. Old greeting cards and old photographs are valuable too. Markers. All colors. Metallic anything—glitter, confetti, pens, foil.

• Paints of all kinds. Try metallic colors. What about finger paints and watercolors? Paintbrushes, toothbrushes, Q-tips, sponges. Paper. Paper scraps, wrapping paper, wallpaper, shelf paper, construction paper, poster board. Pencils. Colored pencils. Play-Doh. Ribbons. Rubber stamps.

• String. Shells. Scissors.

• Yarn.

Put some thought into where you store your comfort journal. You must feel that you can write or draw anything you like in your journal without fear of anyone else reading it.

Investigate What Being Good to Yourself Means

Place your comfort journal and a pen nearby. Close your eyes and concentrate on your breathing for a moment. Reflect on the phrase being good to myself. When you are ready, take up your pen and list everything that comes to mind. Don’t worry if it doesn’t make sense or if it’s just a fragment of a