The Shrink from Planet Zob: Psychiatry for a Mad World

The Shrink from Planet Zob: Psychiatry for a Mad World from philosopher Jake Lyron is the ground-breaking campaign to make a mad world sane which earned Jake a Mental Health Hero Award for his contribution to the field of mental health.

What other people are saying about the book:

"Lyron’s evidence is compelling and revelatory. The factual content will challenge the best of us, but when you need it most, the fictional thread will make you laugh out loud. An important book to take the world forward."

Sir Ranulph Fiennes, OBE – ‘the world’s greatest living explorer’ (Guinness Book of Records)

"This book will change my world."

Kate - psychiatric nurse.

"Went from interesting to enlightening to inspirational... in a word: brilliant."

Dan – philosopher.

"A real page turner."

Gail – sailor.

"The world needs to change, this book could be the catalyst."

Heather – home educator.

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The Shrink from Planet Zob: Psychiatry for a Mad World

Jake Lyron

Smashwords Edition.

Copyright 2011 Jake Lyron. All rights reserved.*

If you enjoy this free ebook, please consider supporting Jake’s campaign work by making a donation at the paypal registered email address zarrablastcreative@gmail.com. No emails are read at this address.

* You may copy this ebook under the following conditions: This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported Licence. You may re-distribute copies of this ebook provided you make an attribution to the original author Jake Lyron. You may not distribute this ebook for commercial gain. You may not alter the content of this ebook in any way.

The right of Jake Lyron to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988 (UK Law). Unless otherwise noted in Acknowledgements, text and illustrations © Copyright 2007-2012 Jake Lyron. All rights reserved.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser. This copy is Update 6; 26/8/2013.

Contents

Introduction

Prologue: The Galactic Mental Health Outreach Team

1 The Sectioning

Why We Don’t Go to Therapy

What Do Mentally Ill People Look Like?

Who Should Be Sectioned?

2 The World’s Most Ordinary Homo Sapien

Information Overload

3 The First Session

Transference

Trust

Who Are the Real Therapists?

4 The Spectre of Resistance

Recognising the Problem - Resistance

5 Nutters, Psychos and Lunatics

Stress Induced Psychosis – Who is ‘Mad’?

Misconceptions around Schizophrenia

Stress Can Cause Schizophrenia

More on Stigma

Social Exclusion as a Cause of Mental Illness

Attitudes to Mental Illness

From Where Does Stress Originate?

6 An Ordinary Psychopath

The Genetic Cause of Psychopathic Behaviour

Defining Psychopathy

My Psychopathy

Outlook on Psychopathy

7 When Psychopaths Get Together

An Assessment of War

The Smallest of Conflicts

Group Conformity

Contagious Psychopathy in Groups

Wars Are Easy to Start

We Fall Easily Into Power Cliques

Power Cliques Grow

Mythic Reality

Fighting Is Enjoyable

Psychopathic Peace Makers

Finding a Cure

8 The Growth of Conscience

Shame and Guilt

Guilty Confessions

Therapy Teaching the Mechanics of Conscience

Manipulating With Guilt

Hugh’s Shame and Guilt

9 Poor Homo Sapiens

An Initial Assessment: The Poor Part of the World

An Initial Assessment: The Wealthy Part of the World

Is Money Redistribution a Solution? What is the Price of a Life?

The Ethics of Giving

Psychological Reasons Why People Don’t Give More

A Victim Who Is Identifiable

Protecting Our Power Clique

Feelings of Futility

Contagious Psychopathy In Groups

Helping the Poor Means Curing Psychopathy

Altruism Benefits the Psyche

Actions for the Ordinary Homo Sapien

10 An Inconvenient Truth

An Initial Assessment of the Environment

The Problems Grow as the Population Grows

Consumerism as an Addiction

The Reaction to Inconvenient Environmental Truths

The Freudian Perspective

Futility Thinking – Again

Narcissism, Psychopathy and the Environment

Some Case Studies

Green Lies

Population Growth and Psychopathy

Scope for Change

11 Feeling Down

Depression on Earth

Causes of Depression

12 Snakes In Suits

The Birth of the Corporation

Corporate Responsibility Versus Psychopathy

The Corporation as a Power Clique

A Case Study

The International Pharmaceuticals Industry

More Case Studies

Corporations and the Environment

Manipulating the Truth

Corporations Manipulate Politicians

Globalisation

Outlook

13 A Six Month Appraisal

14 Earthlings

An Initial Assessment of Animal Rights

Narcissism and Psychopathy

Freudian Defence Mechanisms in Animal Abusers

Meat-Free Diets and Mental Growth

Animal Rights and the Psychopathy Continuum

Good and Bad and Animal Abuse

15 Looking Deeper

16 Faith in Psychology

Ancient Attempts to Cure Psychopathy

The Religious False Fix

The Religious Defence Mechanism

The Efficacy of Prayer

Religion and Psychosis

Religious Power Cliques

Religions Kill

More Reasons Why Religions Keep Going

A Way Forward

17 The Second Coming

Being a Messiah

18 The Lunatics Have Taken Over the Asylum

Politicians and Mental Illness

The Dark Side of Politics

Political Power Cliques

Governing is Therapy

19 Nature Versus Nurture

Teaching Children to be Violent

Teaching Children to Abuse Animals

Green Education

Religious Education

Young Psychopaths

The Scope for Change

20 Media Madness

Political Bias, Power Cliques and Psychopathy

Reinforcing Unhealthy Social Norms

Scope for Improvement

21 Dispensing Global Psychotherapy

Get Some Therapy!

Become a Psychotherapist

Engage With Reality

Lead By Example

Change How You Work

Be Spiritual

Connect With Others

Look After Yourself

22 Back Down to Earth

Notes

About the Author

Help Make the Film!

Hugh Manitee’s Book of Memes

Dr Zab’s Couch

Jake Lyron’s Shop

Join Us!

More by Jake Lyron

Introduction

Have you ever thought the world’s gone mad!? Well, that’s a lot closer to the truth than most people realise. This book offers a new kind of exploration into mental health and illness, on a global scale. The reader who is unfamiliar with the world of psychology and therapy will find plenty of revealing new insights here, and even accredited psychologists will find new and challenging truths. For in this work, I have occasionally broken free of convention. I have gleaned plenty from past research on the subject, but by looking at humanity through the eyes of a rigorous alien psychiatrist, there comes a perspective which is not just different, but often highly controversial.

This will be a challenging book for some. There is a great amount of information to get across, and for many people it is information which will be radically new. Absorbing new truths has to be a slow process - the human mind simply cannot adapt quickly to too much new information; neural connections are often slow to ‘re-wire’. As I have found from my own experiences in mental health, new information can at times be challenging. If you find mental health a difficult subject, then it is worth offering you some wise words taken from the front of another great galactic book – Douglas Adams’ The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy. They are: DON’T PANIC! Take it easy! But if you find the book is overly disturbing, you should consider ceasing to read.

Many readers will find this book healing. Some people who have experienced mental illness may be heartened to know they have found a friend, and they may be pleased to know that they are not as ‘mad’ as they thought they were (or as mad as other people said they were!) A minority of people will not complete the book, being intimidated by the moral message. Those few will miss the best insights and solutions which come near to the end. But for the reader who relishes a challenge, for the reader who wants deep insights into the human condition, and for the reader who seeks solutions to difficult problems, there is much to offer in these pages. (There is also plenty on offer for those who want a laugh!)

The first section of the book focuses in on the issue of mental health, questioning how we define mental illness. When new light is shed on this, the book goes on to look at the psychology of the big global issues of our day: war, poverty, the environment, animal welfare and a lot more besides. From there, we look for solutions.

In order to illustrate how the therapeutic process works, therapists who write on the subject often wish to write about the experiences of some of their clients. This puts the writer in a moral dilemma, as an essential part of the therapeutic work is to keep all information on the client strictly confidential. I have got round this dilemma by providing a few examples of disorders from one psyche which I can freely discuss: my own. I have had plenty of run-ins with mental illness and with the psychiatric profession, so to clarify a few aspects of psychiatry I will occasionally talk about my own experiences. These sections are mainly towards the start of the book, and they constitute a small part of the overall content. My motivation for writing about myself is purely to illustrate some of the issues in hand, and hopefully to make the discussion more ‘real’.

Occasionally I have referred to other real people. In order to keep their identities hidden I have changed various aspects of their personal details - names, appearance, and so forth. As an extra precaution I tossed a coin to decide the genders I would use to describe my psychiatrist and the psychiatric nurse who helped me and they ended up as female and male respectively. This seems fair. Any similarity between the characters described and real life people will therefore be entirely coincidental; the reader will not be able to identify the individuals concerned.

At the end of each chapter you will see links to websites and a Facebook page where you can share the book and interact with other readers. If you like what you read, feel free to let others know.

There are plenty of good and wondrous things in our world of course, which we can all enjoy and celebrate. To make the world even more wondrous we will be exploring solutions to the world’s problems. We need to sort out our mad world. That is what this book is for.

(NB The singular of Homo sapiens is Homo sapiens, not Homo Sapien. But aliens don’t know this; they’re not very good at latin.)

The links to share and discuss this book on Facebook and Twitter are at::

www.TheShrinkFromPlanetZob.com.

Prologue: The Galactic Mental Health Outreach Team

On planet Zob, all was peaceful.

Quark reached her tentacle out to the blue button and engaged the orbital telescope for another day of sky scanning. In the whiter than white observation room her view-screen flickered to life and stars filled the view in front of her. She checked the records. Yes, she was still on the Orion arm, and had been for the past twenty-three years, now scanning at 25,000 light years from the galactic centre. Closing in, she picked out the planets and one by one they came up on the screen as she searched them for life.

Dead... rock... sulphuric acid... dead... dead... rock... rock.... OOH LIFE! She focused the telescope in on the new planet, looking for life forms.

Hmm, microbes... It was monotonous work at times, but every century or so, she would find a planet to work with. On she went, looking for planets.

Dead... rock... rock... rock... OOH LIFE! Once more she scanned in closer. It looked positive: an unusual atmosphere, water in its liquid form. In she went with the zoom, to the seas first; that was where life usually began.

Oooh, big life! In the oceans she spotted large aliens, swimming below the surface. It was always fascinating to see what kind of weird life forms there would be; there were always surprises. The computer scanned the oceans for signs of civilisation. The screen reported no signs.

On to the land masses. The telescope panned up onto a beach. It looked hostile, mostly barren rocks. Then, next to the beach, there were static life forms, lots of them, all a curious shade of green. Onwards she moved with the scope. Then there was moving life, strange creatures with four legs standing staring vacantly at the ground and feeding on the green static aliens. It was encouraging, but still no civilisation.

She panned northwards, inland, and then they appeared. Rectangular forms of strange rock, breaking out amongst the static aliens, upwards to the eerie blue sky. She had at last found another civilisation.

She began her assessment of the planet. Very soon she found different, tall, thin aliens which emerged from the structures and roamed freely around the planet’s surface. They looked like the predominant life form. She zoomed in on random positions around the surface of the planet and there they were, at every corner, like tiny Zob-ants scurrying around in their insignificant little world.

She watched them. For the next five days she observed their every move, their feeding patterns, their social behaviour, their mating rituals, their technology, their groups, their transport and their environment. The more she observed, the more she realised she had found what she was searching for. This time it was big. This planet had to be looked at.

Dr Zab sat in his office. With one tentacle he stroked his beard, and with his other he held his pipe, puffing out rings of purple smoke. It was a habit he enjoyed; he found the silence helped to crack the puzzles in the minds of his clients. He gazed out of his office window across the beautiful milky ooze. Two of his eyes watched the ooze while his middle eye gazed up in contemplation of his work. There was a knock at the door.

Come in Quark.

Quark entered bearing an expression that Dr Zab immediately recognised as one of the gravest urgency.

My God Quark, what is it?!

A planet sir, in the Orion arm. It’s, well, it’s serious sir. I think you should take a look.

Zab shuffled out after Quark to the observation room.

Quark sat before the screen and operated the buttons. Zab polished his spectacles before leaning over Quark’s shoulder to scrutinise the images of the new planet.

It was a scene of the worst carnage. Irrational behaviour on a global scale: violence, murders between species, and murders within the dominant species. Some of the dominant species were dying of hunger and the global ecosystem was on the verge of collapse. It pained Dr Zab to see the images, but he had to know the truth.

I’ve seen enough. You know what we are witnessing don’t you Quark?

Quark was feeling anxious. I think so sir.

Yes. Zab paused at the thought of it. "It’s... a Class 5... a global catastrophic disorder. The very words filled the room with a deathly hush. We have to act. I will notify Professor Dayv, you alert the crew, and prepare the ship."

In Zab’s office the view-screen flashed to life and Professor Dayv answered the call in his pyjamas.

Yes Dr Zab, what is it?

We have a global catastrophic disorder sir in the Orion arm. I am sending you the pictures through.

I see, said Dayv.

We are going to dispatch the Galactic Mental Health Outreach Team. I don’t think we can afford to delay.

Very well Dr Zab. If it’s a GCD, we have no choice. Take the appropriate action and report to me after you have made contact with the aliens.

Yes Sir. Zab, switched the screen off and prepared for the launch.

The links to share and discuss this book on Facebook and Twitter are at::

www.TheShrinkFromPlanetZob.com.

1 The Sectioning

The saucers waited for their crews, hovering in the air. With Galactic Mental Health Outreach Team stencilled on to the ships’ hulls, the 217 vessels powered up and blasted off on their journey to the Orion arm.

Several years later the ships arrived. They remained cloaked, invisible to the alien planet below, while they took their positions, hovering above key cities.

Dr Zab sat on the bridge of the control ship and held the tip of his tentacle over the purple button. In a second he would press it, de-cloak the ships and make his announcement to the aliens on this strange new world. The thought of it always made him shudder. He eyed up the black panic button, guessing he might be needing that one too. He swallowed hard, cleared his throat and pressed the purple button.

In an instant, all 217 ships de-cloaked. The aliens looked to the skies, and in the calmest voice he could muster, Dr Zab addressed the throngs below.

"People of Earth, your attention please. My Name is Dr Zab from the planet Zob. I am your planet’s psychiatrist. It is my duty to inform you that your species, Homo sapiens, is being taken into compulsory care under Section 1 of the Galactic Mental Health Act. This is being done for the safety of your species, and of the species around you."

He flicked his tentacle to the black panic button. In perfect unison, nearly 7 billion Homo sapiens erupted into mass hysteria. Zab pressed the black button.

Time, for planet Earth, stopped. The city streets were filled with human statues, the skies dotted with stationary aircraft. Children were fixed in mid play. Drinks, cars, the wind, leaves on trees, dogs, seas and bullets all stopped dead, recording the moment when the Zobians came to Earth.

Quark looked over to Dr Zab.

Yes Quark, I know. I feared this would happen. We have no choice now but to continue with our job. It won’t be easy; this alien is seriously ill.

Why We Don’t Go to Therapy

Okay, while the Zobians are holding planet Earth in stasis, let’s consider the process which drove them to section the entire human race.

Dr Zab and his team are unusual psychiatrists. As we saw, they observe other worlds looking for signs of mental illness. When they found our planet, they found what they were looking for.

The Zobians are more advanced than our species and they look with different eyes at Homo sapiens. How would our world look if a perfectly mentally healthy and completely rigorous alien psychiatrist was observing us? What would be different in their eyes than in ours?

When we are mentally ill, it is very difficult to be objective about the state of our mental health. This is why psychiatrists have their use – they are psychiatrists because they are not us. They have an external objective viewpoint which they use to see the truth of what we are. Normally it is difficult, or perhaps impossible for us to do this for ourselves. For example, when we are deluded, we will usually have no grasp of the fact that we are deluded. We think our delusions are real. In fact, most mentally ill people perceive themselves as mentally healthy, and that is one of the delusions they have.

This is one of the problems in mental health; that the ill people think they are healthy. It is for this reason that most ill people do not turn to a therapist: they think therapists are only for the other people – the ill ones. So on our planet it is the rare few people who voluntarily go to see a therapist.

Another reason that people don’t usually go to a therapist voluntarily is that psychiatry often has a frightening presence, and it is true that for many people the experience of mental illness and sometimes its treatment are utterly terrifying. Psychiatry conjures up images of bizarre lunatics wandering the streets in bewilderment, talking to empty spaces. We imagine psychotic axe murderers, intent on killing people because God told them to do it, or we may think of the prospect of being told we are mad and being put into a straight jacket, struggling to escape, and being drugged against our will. Images of being strapped to a hospital bed and being given electro-convulsive therapy may float into our minds. None of this is pleasant to contemplate, and these extreme aspects of mental illness can scare us away from the whole idea of psychiatry. It’s far more pleasant to go down the pub instead, or watch telly and keep these disturbing thoughts at bay.

Another important reason why people usually don’t go into therapy is that therapy is all about truth. The therapist will put their clients’ minds under scrutiny, looking for flaws in perception. To admit to being at fault is an uninviting prospect, so strong is our fear of embarrassment – the therapist might tell us we are wrong, and that’s just not nice. More worryingly for a prospective client, is that the therapist will also look into their moral behaviour. They are certain to see the truth of our actions and potentially expose our dark side. Instinctively, we know that therapy will catch us out – it might expose the truth, and so we usually steer well clear of that truth-revealing process.

Finally, there is another reason which can explain why people often don’t go to a therapist. It has to do with social esteem. If we go to a therapist, the implication is that we are ill: we instinctively feel that to become a client means to be worthless, powerless, and useless, somehow low down with respect to our peers. Deep inside us, we spot this label of worthlessness, and we don’t like it. There is a sense of shame which we might feel. For reasons which we will look at in later chapters, we fight violently to avoid slipping down the ladder of social esteem. If we go to a therapist, the implication is that we are low down on the ladder (or at least that’s how it feels).

For these reasons, and possibly others, we don’t usually go to therapists, we don’t usually read books on therapy, and we don’t usually look inside our own minds. Most of us don’t really like therapy.

Given that there is so much fear surrounding the idea of therapy, it follows that the people who do enter therapy are notable not for their weaknesses, but rather for their exceptional courage. People who don’t run away from therapy are the people who want to grow, and become healthy.

What Do Mentally Ill People Look Like?

On Earth, most of us are not experienced in identifying mentally ill people. We have ideas that they might dress bizarrely, or talk to themselves, or be in some way a dangerous threat. Often our preconceptions about what an ill person looks like are naive at best, but more usually plain wrong.

I would be a good illustration of this. If you were to meet me, you wouldn’t think much. I seem to be a pretty ordinary person, I dress averagely, and I don’t behave oddly. But the people who only know me a little are completely unaware of my experiences with mental illness. When I counted up the mental problems which I have experienced I got to around twenty-six They have varied in severity, but include: neurosis, depression, break down, mania, compulsion, obsession, delusion, denial, paranoia, suicidal thoughts, information overload, serendipity, synchronicity, psychosis, hallucination, narcissism, personality disorder, severe anger, sleep problems, persecution, alcoholism, stress and anxiety, panic attacks, theomania and social anxiety. And these are only the disorders which I have been aware of! There may be more lurking away in my psyche which I have yet to find. When listed like this, the reader may question whether this book has been written by a complete crazy man ! But I will refer to some of these ailments again throughout the book and shed a little light on how they came into being and how I have dealt with them. The point is that, on the outside, I look like a fairly ordinary man. People may have perceived me as generally sane, but the truth is I have had all kinds of mental disorders.

We often overlook something very obvious when we are deciding if someone is mentally ill, and that is that the illness is on the inside – in the mind! Mental illness does sometimes have outward physical manifestations, and it is true that someone with psychosis, say, may behave oddly. But how do we tell from looking at someone if they are, say, neurotic? It isn’t always obvious. It takes a great deal of experience to spot some mental illnesses, which is why we need psychiatrists. But even after much reading and training, and close contact with their clients, many psychiatrists still make mistakes in reaching a diagnosis. If the experts make mistakes, the lay person should be especially cautious before diagnosing people.

Throughout this book we will find many examples of how people who look ‘normal’ may be suffering from mental disorders. We will also find examples of people that we think are insane, who are not as crazy as we thought.

Who Should Be Sectioned?

In the UK, if a person’s mental illness is causing significant safety risks for the individual or for others, the authorities are permitted by law to take the individual into compulsory care, against their will, if necessary. Being taken into compulsory mental care is called being ‘sectioned’ which derives from the sections of the British Mental Health Act 1983 which provide the legal power to take a person into care. The Act’s guidelines for doctors state that the patient must be ...suffering from a mental disorder of a nature or degree which warrants the detention of the patient in a hospital for assessment or treatment for at least a limited period... [and that the patient] ...ought to be detained in the interests of [the patient’s] own health or safety or with a view to the protection of other people.

The British law defines disorders as any disorder or disability of mind. This definition includes conditions such as schizophrenia, depression, bipolar affective disorder, anxiety disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, eating disorders, personality disorders, autistic-spectrum disorders, organic disorders such as dementia, behavioural changes due to brain injury and mental disorders due to drug use. The definition covers learning disabilities only where they are associated with abnormally aggressive or seriously irresponsible behaviour.

The Zobians have similar guidelines in their Galactic Mental Health Act. They look at what they call global catastrophic disorder, or GCD - a complex planet-wide illness resulting from the accumulation of mental health disorders in individuals. So why did the Zobians decide to section the entire human race? It seems a bit unfair when most of us appear to be sane.

The Zobians have a wider scope to their mental health work. They also refer their work to a benchmark of absolute truth. They strive to promote absolute mental health – mental perfection: to be free of all disorders. In this they differ somewhat from Earth psychiatrists.

Let’s compare their Galactic Mental Health Act with the British Mental Health Act. Remember the Earth Act grants permission to detain a patient for the protection of other people. But the Galactic Mental Health Act goes further; it grants permission to detain a species with a view to the protection of other life. Looked at like this we can see the British Mental Health Act itself has a degree of mental ill health within it. Where our Earth act defends the safety of only people instead of all life, it is taking a narcissistic stance.

The following symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder, as listed by Earth psychiatrists, show how a typical Homo sapien would fit into this diagnosis, if we use the Zobian Act¹:

- Grandiosity. They will think they are above all others around them. Since the Earth Mental Health Act does not consider all others (all life) many of our human activities are clearly grandiose and so probably narcissistic.

- Lack of empathy. Again, humans often lack empathy towards other life.

- Fantasies of unlimited success – omnipotence. The way humans are treating our planet at present, certainly suggests this.

- Feelings of being special or unique. Where the Earth act leaves out the rest of life from the list of victims of the person to be sectioned, it is saying Homo sapiens is somehow special. Again this is narcissistic.

- Feels entitled to priority treatment. This is a ubiquitous trait of the human. For example, many religions hold the opinion that humans are entitled to priority treatment from God.

Our Earth Mental Health Act is serving our species but only our species in a blindly selfish, narcissistic manner. It follows that the people who created our law (which determines who is dangerously mentally ill) must themselves have been suffering from the disorder of narcissism. Taking the Zobian benchmark of absolute truth and absolute mental health, we are forced to conclude that the people who made that most fundamental mental health law, themselves had a degree of mental illness. No doubt the people who created the law perceived themselves as mentally healthy. It follows, then, that they are also slightly delusional.

So here we have found some evidence of mental illness in Homo sapiens, and it exists in the fundamental legal definition of who is dangerously mentally ill, written by people who perceived themselves as well. This may at first sight seem impossibly unlikely. But when we put aside our preconceptions and follow, as rigorously as we can, absolute truth, we have no choice but to concede this is right.

The Zobians, then, have their rigorous benchmark, their Galactic Mental Health Act, which protects all life from harm. How did our civilisation compare to their benchmark?

All human activity is caused by one thing – the human mind. Everything we do is first motivated by a conscious will inside an individual, be that the will of the president of America, or the man wielding the chainsaw, or the nurse caring for the patient, or the teacher passing on truths and falsehoods. All the joy we generate or all the suffering we cause is created by the mind. Looking at our planet, we have no choice than to admit there are enormous global problems ahead of us – for the environment, world poverty, for peace, for animal welfare and for religious unity. And every one of those problems is a matter of mind. We will see that the Zobians were quite correct in sectioning the human race. Most, if not all, suffering on earth is caused by mental disorders, and as such it was the duty of the Zobians to step in, to heal our disorders, and to eliminate suffering.

Before we go on, the reader should know that our fictional story offers more than just a little light relief. I believe that if we were to adopt the Galactic Mental health Act it would be a genuine improvement on the Earth Act. I also intend the illness global catastrophic disorder to be adopted by the wider psychiatric community as a term which describes the true levels of mental disorder on our planet - mental disorder which leads to suffering on a global scale.

Meanwhile, back on planet Zob...

Professor Dayv was preparing for the Feast of Zarrablast, and being the sort who enjoyed his world’s ancient traditions, he made sure he wrapped a furry garchin-worm around each sleeve. He was settling in the second worm, when the call came on his viewer.

Happy Zarrablast Dr Zab. He greeted the doctor warmly.

Happy Zarrablast Professor, said Zab. We’ve made first contact. I’m afraid the aliens weren’t receptive to our arrival. We informed them that they were being sectioned, but the situation became critical in 2.53 seconds. We are holding them in stasis while we decide on the best form of therapy.

Not receptive eh? Hmm, that is a problem, I saw it once before on Wambaroo 5, a challenge indeed. I will consult the brains. Professor Dayv’s three eyes rolled up and crossed somewhere in the middle, and for a few seconds he sat trembling slightly as a small dribble emerged from his mouth. Across the ether his mind merged with several thousand of Zob’s most acclaimed psychiatrists. Very soon normal consciousness resumed and the Professor had his answer.

Meme therapy. He concluded.

Meme therapy? said Zab. I see. Well we can’t inject the memes ourselves; that would be in breach of the Free Will Directive. We will have to find a host to carry them.

Agreed. Dayv nodded sagely. "Find your carrier, but it will have to be an alien of the most ordinary kind. You must avoid any politicians, or celebrities. Scan the planet and when you have identified the least notable Homo sapien, carry on with the therapy."

I’ll get right on it, said Zab.

Good Zobian. Keep me updated. Now then Petunia... Professor Dayv fed his worms with fnark roots dipped in gorm cheese.

Quark was waiting at the door.

"Quark, scan the planet. We need to find Homo ordinarius..."

The links to share and discuss this book on Facebook and Twitter are at::

www.TheShrinkFromPlanetZob.com.

2 The World’s Most Ordinary Homo Sapien

Quark had finished her scan of the Homo sapiens, and had identified a carrier. Dr Zab entered the room. The view-screen was showing planet Earth, still frozen in time.

Dr Zab, we have found someone we think could make a suitable host. He is living on this island here, in the northern hemisphere. She waved a tentacle at the view-screen, picking out the island of Great Britain. Then she zoomed in on the land mass. There is a small town on the eastern seaboard sir, the inhabitants call it ‘Great Yarmouth’. She zoomed in further on the town, isolating a single street. This is a route for vehicles, it’s called Seafield Close. The individual houses came into view. And this is his dwelling structure - number 221b. The zoom took them inside the house to the kitchen. There was a family sitting around a table: a man and a woman, a girl and boy, all frozen in stasis, caught in the middle of their evening meal of fish and chips. The man held a fork to his mouth bearing mushy peas, the woman was pushing a dog down from the table, and the children were staring up at the ceiling. All of them bore expressions of shock, caught like photos in the moment when the Zobians had spoken to Earth.

Quark pointed to the screen. This one here is the male. He is the mate of this female here, and these small aliens are their young. The male adult is the carrier. His name is Manitee.

Good work Quark. He really is impressively ordinary. Have you generated a clone?

Yes sir. He’s in the transporter room now. We’ve transferred the brain data from Manitee to the clone already sir; he’s ready for the exchange.

"Excellent. Make the exchange, wipe the memory of our arrival from the Homo sapiens’ minds, cloak the ships and lift the stasis."

Dr Zab returned to his office. Quark pressed a button. The transporter droned and Manitee and his clone faded softly out of sight. Seconds later they faded back – Manitee in the transporter room and his clone taking position at the kitchen table, sitting just as Manitee had been, ready with a fork full of mushy peas.

Then another button, a red one. The ships around the world flashed a blinding white light down to the planet, and the memories of the Zobians’ arrival were wiped from nearly 7 billion minds. Quark pressed the small lilac button, three across and two down from the red button, and the Zobian ships were cloaked again. Finally, she pressed the black button once more, and the stasis was lifted. The world carried on just as if nothing had happened. The wind blew and birds continued to fly. The city streets filled once again with bustling life. Children played, the ocean waves crashed to the shores, chainsaws buzzed, and the bullets that had waited, headed for their targets.

In Manitee’s kitchen, the clone and the family came to life. He shouted at the dog, and his wife smiled. He ate his mushy peas.

In the transporter room, the real Manitee was still in stasis.

Zab and Quark looked at Manitee and looked at each other. Zab mentally prepared his welcoming words and Quark pressed a button. Manitee was brought out of stasis.

His eyes blinked. He looked at his hand raised before him and for a brief moment thought Where the hell have my mushy peas gone?

He looked up, down and sideways