The First 30 Days to Serenity: The Essential Guide to Staying Sober

The First 30 Days to Serenity

The Essential Guide to Staying Sober

By Super Star

www.rockstarsuperstarproject.com

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Copyright 2011 by Super Star

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The First 30 Days to Serenity

The Essential Guide to Staying Sober

Super Star

This book is dedicated to all whose lives have been affected by the disease of addiction …

especially to those still suffering …

Table of Contents

Foreword

Road to Recovery

Acknowledgements

Chapter One Abuse Me

Chapter Two Get Out Of My Way

Chapter Three Claws

Chapter Four Do It for You

Chapter Five Mistress Insidious

Chapter Six Don’t Give Up

Chapter Seven One Day

Chapter Eight Rockin Angel

Chapter Nine Serenity

Letter to Addiction

Super Star’s Projects

What others are saying about The First 30 Days to Serenity

Foreword

Rock Star, Super Star not the usual words associated with a book that tells the whole unvarnished truth and focuses on the remarkable journey of recovery from addiction to alcohol and drugs. But, truly an inspirational message of Hope, Help and Healing!

The National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence, Inc. (NCADD) describes addiction to alcohol and drugs as a chronic, progressive disease, genetically predisposed and fatal if untreated. Based on research, we estimate that more than 23 million Americans are addicted to alcohol and drugs, almost 1 in 10 people, over the age of 12. And, as a family disease, over 100 million more people are living life with someone addicted to alcohol and drugs - mom, dad, sister, brother, wife, husband, best friend.

The good news, recovery is a reality for millions of individuals and their families! In fact, we now estimate that as many as 20 million individuals and family members are living a life in recovery! As you will learn in reading The First Thirty Days to Serenity - The Essential Guide to Staying Sober, alcoholism and addiction runs in families, like other chronic diseases such as diabetes and heart disease. Breaking the cycle of addiction requires recovery, not just for the person who is addicted but for other family members as well!

For over 65 years, NCADD and our National Network of Affiliates have been dedicated to the elimination of the stigma that too often surrounds alcoholism and drug dependence, because it prevents millions of individuals and family members from seeking help. And, stigma unresolved results in discrimination. We are excited about and support your efforts, through the ROCKSTAR SUPERSTAR PROJECT to rebrand addiction to alcohol and drugs, through a focus on recovery!

Thank you Super Star for so openly sharing your struggles and more importantly your triumphs of what your life was like in the earliest days of your recovery. And, as part of your own recovery

journey, NCADD thanks you for your relentless and passionate dedication to changing the public understanding of addiction and recovery.

As for you, the reader, your challenge is to find your own journey, and write your own recovery story. Without question you will find that there will be many tools - friends, family, treatment, counseling, meetings, a sponsor, etc. that will prove to be essential. I think you will find, The First Thirty Days to Serenity to be one more tool. I wish you all the best on your journey.

Robert J. Lindsey, M.Ed., CEAP

President/CEO - National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence, Inc. (NCADD)

www.ncadd.org

Road to Recovery: An Invitation

You are invited to join me on a journey into some of my experiences during my active addiction and subsequent recovery. The stories written on these pages have led me to where I am at in my life today. Embracing the gift of recovery has allowed me to live a life beyond my wildest expectations and for that I am grateful. Today, I have family and friends that love and support me, but more importantly, I love myself and I am happy with who I am as a man. I am dedicated to giving back by sharing my experience, strength and hope with others, especially with young people, through the ROCKSTAR SUPERSTAR PROJECT.

Early on in my recovery, I visited numerous bookstores looking for a book to help me better understand where I was at and what I might encounter in my first 30 days of sobriety. I wanted a book where the words popped out at me with wisdom and insight; a book that would help me get my bearings and hint at the road which lay ahead. I never found what I was looking for no matter how much I searched. I found that people who I had been in rehab with would call me to see if what I had gone through and was currently going through was similar to what they were experiencing. What I saw was that we each wanted validation that we were on the road to maintaining our sobriety; the road to healing through recovery. Through these interactions and early struggles, I saw an opportunity to share my experiences, strengths and hopes with others through my writings. While there is power in meetings and reaching out to others in recovery that way, I discovered some other extremely beneficial tools to support my recovery process. My excitement in sharing these tools with others has allowed me to become even more focused on my own recovery.

For the addict, the first 30 days of recovery can be a rollercoaster ride of despair, cravings, and emotions that we have either never had to deal with or have avoided like the plague. Maintaining sobriety during this time is often a day-to-day, hour-by-hour, or second-to-second struggle. To stay clean and sober, a person needs to have tools to deal with life from new and unique perspectives. These initial days of recovery can be very scary and overwhelming. And what about the friends and family members of someone with an addiction, those who are watching their loved one struggle with this disease? How are they feeling? What is healthy for them to do or not do? How should they handle the difficult situations that arise? For these family members and loved ones, this book provides insight into the inner thoughts of an addict both during active addiction and in early recovery. This is an opportunity to better understand that addiction isn’t just about using the drug; it’s about so much more. Addiction is a thinking disease and this book appropriately exposes how stinkin’ thinkin’ is at the core of every addiction!

While there are many successful books on the market about addiction, The First 30 Days to Serenity - The Essential Guide to Staying Sober is the first day-by-day account of staying sober through the first 30 days of recovery, including the thoughts, feelings, conversations, events, stress, tears, family friction and despair of each of those days viewed directly through the lens of an addict. This book also chronicles my rock bottom experiences. Each original daily entry is followed by stinkin’ thinkin’ and sober thinking reflections on my original 30 day journal written one year later.

These reflections are important because they allow the reader to witness the amount of personal growth that can happen during the first year of sobriety when someone works a recovery program. The reflections identify when the thinking was improper and dangerous, which we call stinkin’ thinkin’, and when they were healthy and useful, which we call sober thinking. This book is a tool to help answer questions like, Should I be feeling this way on day 1? Am I crazy for thinking such a thought on day 18? How should I handle this situation on day 29? The reader’s experiences will not necessarily be the same as mine, but there might be similarities that will allow others to gain insight through my story.

This book lets readers know that what they or loved ones are going through is a normal part of the recovery process. The experiences shared will allow the reader to gain a deeper understanding into the thought process associated with addiction. It will also provide opportunities for insight into how to handle situations in a way that supports one’s own recovery or others in early recovery. By giving the reader real-life scenarios to relate to from someone who has been there, this book inspires others to find success in sobriety and be whoever they’ve always wanted to be — even a Rock Star or Super Star.

To those who think it might be worth getting high just one more time or who think life could not get any worse by using, this book is written especially for you. Through my stories I am here to tell you that if you use or continue use, things CAN and WILL get worse. The road to SERENITY through SOBRIETY starts right now!

So, come and join me as I look at what life was like in the earliest days of my recovery. I hope the lessons I learned can be useful to you as you travel your own journey in recovery.

~ Super Star

Note from the Author:

Throughout this book I am referred to as Kris and my twin brother is Marc. These are our names given to us at birth. We have since legally changed our names to Super Star and Rock Star in an effort to spread our message to others.

These stories are based on true events of my life, although some names have been changed for reasons of privacy. My family member’s names are correct, thanks to them kindly giving permission for their usage.

To maintain the integrity of where I was at during the writing of my original journal, I kept the words addict and alcoholic when referring to one with an addiction. Although, as I’ve continued my recovery, I’ve come to see that addict and alcoholic defines a person and can inaccurately perpetuate stereotypes that result in discrimination. I now prefer to replace these terms with one with a substance use disorder. Please keep this in mind as you read these original phrases.

Acknowledgements

Words cannot express my gratitude to the many individuals who supported my vision and encouraged me with the writing of this book; those who shared professional advice, words of wisdom and assistance in polishing this manuscript to make it a reality. Because of you, my vision is now a dream come true!

My appreciation and thanks go to these stars:

*To Bob Lindsey for your time writing the Foreword for this book. Our conversations have been inspiring and I am grateful for your support.

*To the editing team of Margi Taber, Dan Thompson, Sarah Snyder, Sharon Taber, Rena Cohen, Cindy Henry, and Sherri Longyear -- thank you for the many hours you’ve spent bringing this book to life and ensuring my words were expressed clearly and concisely.

*To Jennifer Faringer for your belief in my work. You helped make what seemed impossible, a reality.

*To Chris Caffery and Zak Stevens for your invaluable trust in allowing me to be part of your world. It was this trust that helped me gain the confidence I needed to believe that dreams come true.

* To Debbie Manos for the unselfish care and the desire to help someone when they needed it.

*To Jay Adelberg from Hot Topic for being a critical component in the success of my efforts during the writing of this manuscript. You stepped up when many others refused to extend a hand and for this I will be eternally grateful.

*To Elizabeth, Shaun, Shane, Jess, Carol and Fred, thank you for always being a reminder of the importance of family.

*Words alone cannot express my thanks Edyta for your love, encouragement and support while writing this book. You provided me the time and the space to put my story on paper.

*A heartfelt thanks to Margi for helping me shape this vision and bring it to fruition. Without your patience, persistence, and willingness, this book would not have become a reality. Thank you for the hundreds if not thousands of hours you invested in these pages. You have been solely responsible for so many of my success stories because of your relentless desire to get this message out to others.

*To Matt for your enthusiasm towards my efforts during the time I spent writing this book.

*To Edwin Giraldo, Graphic Designer extraordinaire -- your attention to detail and expert knowledge in your craft created the perfect cover for this book.

*To Rich Selby and the staff at Selby Marketing for printing this book with the utmost care and professionalism.

*A special thanks to April Rovero, Shirley Beckett Mikell, Robert Kaufman and Chris Caffery for sharing your honest thoughts about this book for the back cover.

*A sincere thank you to my sponsor for your guidance and recommendation, without which my life would have turned out much differently than it has.

*And to all those recovering from addiction who have shared their stories in the rooms, thank you for your humbleness. It’s these very stories that have not only helped save my life but millions of others as well.

*To my older brother Paul, my mother Nancy, Lou, Marlene and Lenee -- thank you for your continued interest in my work and belief that everything will always be ok as long as I stay sober. Your support came in so many different ways and each was fundamental in convincing me that life is worth living one day at a time.

*To my father, the man that always told me Life Is Good -- you were right! I hope that you now have the peace you always told me was out there during our many fishing trips. I miss you, I love you and am the man I am today in memory of you!

*To Doro my constant companion through it all and to her best friend Zena for showing me that love knows no boundaries!

*And finally to my brother, Rock Star -- you were the beacon of light that helped lead me out of the darkness. I am excited to share my future with you and am looking forward to your manuscript. You are the Rock and I am the Roll in this freight train express to a blissful existence.

****

Chapter One

Abuse Me

I see your darkness, I know your pain

Wastelands of broken dreams and my scattered remains

I do what you tell me, I do what you need

My soul is blackened, for you I bleed

I’m lying awake, thinking back to my first experience with drugs. I was nineteen, responsible, had always been a good kid, until I was offered a line of cocaine from a girlfriend while attending a wedding. Nice girlfriend, huh?

Thanks a lot, bitch.

At that time I hated drugs and everything they stood for. Unfortunately, like many others who are affected by negative peer influences, I wanted so much to fit in that I accepted her offer. I remember not feeling anything at all initially. But at a club a few hours later, I found myself begging her to take me back to the room for more. I was still unsure if I had even felt anything, but for some reason my body was telling me that it wanted more. It wasn’t long until I would find myself craving this drug all the time, every second.

My use quickly rocketed from recreational use to necessity. At first I foolishly believed that because my then-girlfriend was controlling her use, I would be able to control mine. However, over the next two years my habit escalated to the point where I would begin to steal her cocaine and pocket it for myself. Even then, part of me knew that it was only a matter of time before she would catch on, so I was forced to find a way to make my own connection.

That’s when I called my first escort service.

I thought if there was anyone who was likely to be part of the drug culture, it would be these street type girls and I was right.

Very right.

Over the next year or so, I found myself spending thousands of dollars for these connections and thousands more for the drugs themselves. It was quickly becoming too expensive and I needed to find a cheaper means to score my fix. Soon after, I did.

By the age of twenty-two I was driving around Rochester, New York, picking up prostitutes and using them as liaisons for cocaine connections. I recall going up to a seedy motel room with one such girl and waiting for her connection to drop off some coke. When he eventually showed up, all he had to offer her was crack. I was not happy. That’s the last thing I wanted to try. I had heard of crack and how powerful it was and I didn’t think it was a good idea. She grabbed a rock from his hands, put a piece into the end of a crack pipe and took a hit. Even looking at the foulness of a crack pipe was enough to make me feel dirty, but there was something about the way her eyes lit up as she took her hit that spoke to me, turning me on in a strange way.

It was provocative and sexy to see the way the crack melted on the end of that pipe - the way the flame sucked toward the inside and to hear the crackle of the rock against the heat. All these sensations worked together, lowering my inhibitions, so I begged her to let me try. Initially she told me no, but she soon succumbed to my relentless pleading. It was then that I took my first hit of crack cocaine. As soon as I inhaled, the feeling of euphoria was immediate and unique; a mind-numbing, out-of-body experience. For the next three months I would find myself in and out of the worst crack houses in upstate New York, selling all of my possessions to do as much of it as I could.

And that’s how it started.

**********

Money was scarce back then and my spending soon outpaced my available cash. I began selling my things to keep up with my newfound habit. I vividly remember when this dark day came. My girlfriend had given me a radio for my birthday. I’d wanted it for so long. This radio was nothing short of perfection for its time. It was an absolute luxury item for me and it would soon be to the dealer as well, but I didn’t care. I just wanted more drugs.

Everything was about scoring the next hit. That night when I left the crack house without my radio, I was remorseful and angry.