Vaguely Vivid

Chapter 1

Part I

You know who you are/ You know that you’re reading this/ I know I’m writing it/ Because I couldn’t resist

The things you should know/ I don’t want you to hear/ I’m writing in response/ In response to my fears

Time can only pass/ You can only progress/ I can only cope/ As in time I lose hope

..........

This will be the notes/ Of my lovelorn life/ And the temptress next door/ The one I adore

Unrelenting proximity/ Unrelentingly degrading/ As I keep my mouth shut/ A pen spills my guts

I hope it’s over soon/ This is my life/ Until I’m one with the sun

I give myself away/ With a look/ That look/ The look of kittens and sex fiends

I can’t help it/ And she says what/ But only after/ She lets it sink in

This is the beginning/ Who knows/ Where this chapter

will go?

A lot of this,/ I’d imagine/ And maybe instances/ When some guy comes over

But he is only that/ Some other guy/ Is that a threat?/ I cant be threatened/ I must be patient

She needs her space/ She needs her time/ She will ignore/ These needs of mine

She’s not ready for it/ She’s not ready for me/ She’s not ready for us/ In time I put trust

I’ve gotten a job/ I’m staying with her/ Oh Seductress/ Asleep next door

We have so much/ Invested in one another/ Some guy/ Cannot be a bother

Farm boy dick/ Blocking the road/ He’ll move sometime/ You know I can wait

Some guy/ I don’t get it/ What I think/ Is not important

She says/ I’m a project/ I believe/ She is mine

Maybe she’s looking/ For my strength/ Maybe she wants/ For me to give up

And maybe if I don’t/ She will end this game

This could be/ A testament/ To boyish infatuation/ That would be insane

If that be the case/ What’s wrong with this place/ This life/ And these ladies

Too much/ Of us/ To consider these things

When that guy / Comes over/ He will see/ Right through me

And he will tell her things/ She doesn’t want to hear/ When after/ She can’t ignore this/ Maybe she’ll deny it

She can do what she will/ With it/ With him/ With me

The power is hers/ Suddenly I’m at peace/ No longer concerned/ This much I’ve earned

Still I will document/ With the same bleeding heart/ As she does what she will/ Then we’ll see in the end

She is beautiful/ SHE is the reason I’m here / Yet she sleeps on the couch/ To the right of my stare

The story of my life/ Is written in her/ My best friend and my love/ Who doesn’t really care

I haven’t yet told her/ Why we can’t live together/ But when she brings home these people/ My wrists will bleed just a little

She would not cry for me/ I would die for her/ She would not die for me/ Yet I pine for her

That is/ The story of my life/ This is/ The story of my life

..........

So to explain the other guy/ This is the skinny:/ He’s every hick/ I’ve ever met

Not a redneck/ He’s got charming good looks

A typical anybody/ Just like the rest

I just watched/ His dull hands/ All over my love/ And I said nothing

I don’t believe in/ And don’t understand/ This love/ I’m trying to ignore

She lies with him/ Where she lay with me/ Three days ago/ I should have known

And now/ My senses bombarded/ By what’s going on/ My innards in upheaval/ By what’s going

No pot/ It’s hard to cope/ My insides hurt/ From want of dope

No booze/ I need a beer/ My insides hurt/ From want of dope

It’s so important/ Being sober/ So I’ve heard/ I try so hard

I want to vomit/ Expel all this pain/ I can only indulge/ In the wrath of these moments

I did/ Ecstasy and acid/ Amphetamines and mushrooms/ In that order backward/ The month before I moved/ I’m done with all that/ It’s the original addictions/ That are getting to me

It’s so bad/ The only answer/ (what’s worse)/ Is to get fucked up

My body needs the alcohol/ The cycle seems to own me/ At least most of me

For my job, I’ll be loading/ Beer onto trucks/ And it goes to show/ It’s all up to me

Things can get better/ Things can get worse/ It’s these addictions of mine/ That are the true curse/ Voluntarily/ I wear these chains around my neck

I haven’t aged in a while/ Visibly at least/ In a couple of years/ I will age again/ At least I assume

To look older/ Than you did/ In those pictures/ Is perpetually neutral

Unless that stuff bothers you

Something troubled me so/ When two towels hung/ Over the curtain/ Instead of one

The sensation of starting/ A new job/ Or new life/ Is always uncomfortable/ While stewing in strife

While it’s only as such/ For a tiny short while/ The time leading up/ Radiates denial

That’s how I handle/ Starting new work/ As if it’s not happening/ Until I’m upon it/ Then it’s no different/ From things of the past

After work/ I almost spilled the beans/ In conversation/ We discussed conclusions

So, this hick and her/ Will see each other/ And other people

She thinks/ It’s so perfect/ She couldn’t be happier/ And I almost told her

I almost told her/ That that was MY plan/ For the two of US/ From day one

Alas, I still/ Cannot see her with men/ So when she’s not with me/ She’s a lesbian (I believed)

I told her something/ Just earlier/ I’d never told anyone/ But I couldn’t tell her of love

I was so close/ And slipped a little/ She was begging to hear it/ But I could not tell her

Nonetheless, I witnessed progress/ When she was fearing I’d leave/ Now I know me she must need/ And she will need me

She will/ Need me, want me/ She will/ Want to need me/ And need to want me

Meanwhile, I work in warehouse/ With beer/ Stacked to the heavens/ And I just quit drinking

The universe/ Is toying with me/ And I will only play along/ Did I mention/ She’s beautiful?/ Female form of perfection/ You’d weep, facing this rejection

But she IS my woman/ And I AM her man/ But we’re still only children/ Avoiding life’s demands

Like thunder/ On the prairie/ Cascading/ Is this story

She is my girl/ My entire world/ I am in this drama/ Completely unnerved

Despising the moments/ Away from each other/ Fearing the end/ The end of forever

A commitment/ I am making/ Right here and right now/ To be together forever/ Creating an endless thunder

And if I fail/ To adhere to this vow/ So be the future/ I’ll get by somehow

She is doing something to me/ And I don’t know what/ My head flails helpless/ Amidst the flood of my lust

My train of thought/ Has only one car/ This train of thought/ Has gone nowhere, so far

She is a vicious snake/ That moves with such grace/ As she entangles my person/ I can only struggle irate

I’ve so grown accustomed to her soft scales/ That when she slithers away/ I feel cold and uncomforted/ Until she is back the next day

And if I tried/ To cage this reptile/ It would only escape/ To return but once in a while

So that mid-western ass/ No longer concerns me/ But the threat of other men/ Really perturbs me

Her 21st birthday/ Could be the end/ When she goes to the bar/ That could be the end/ What with the thousands of men/ Willing to fuck her

She wants to pick up chicks/ But I know what’s more likely/ She’ll pick up some dick/ And the thought is just frightening

You want/ What you want/ And I know/ My place in it

She has the misconception/ That there can actually be/ More than one man in her life/ Another man, other than me

I can feel/ Our energy/ It’s pulling her towards me/ And she welcomes me neutrally

And if you have/ Nothing to die for/ Than what is there/ To live for

I’d rather be dead/ Than without this energy/ She knows it now, too/ She knows how it will be/ It’s beyond our power/ And not up to us/ She wants to be free/ And I wanted a blond

But energy’s involved now/ Because of what happened/ Before I wrote

this last segment

.........

She came into my classroom/ A bit before I dropped out/ I told her she’s not in Kansas/ She wasn’t very amused

She was staying with a family/ Which made her untouchable/ It was the family of her man/ Who was away in the army

Such a good friend/ This girl was to me/ It was always an issue/ Of powerful energy

So I will spare you/ Of specific instances/ But let me tell you/ Of the overall history

Her boyfriend came back/ We got along well/ They were both my friends/ I accepted her

as out of my grasp

They moved into a house/ At the end of my road/ The only other people/ In the middle of the woods

They were the people/ I hung out with/ Immediately after/ I lost my virginity

I read her my poems/ Of longing for death/ When it got too hard/ Being on drugs

I worked with her man/ On all sorts of houses/ I fished with her man/ In many lakes

I ate dinner with them/ I ran errands with her/ Her man bought me beer/ If I were in need

They were engaged/ They would always be there/ She would always be there/ That’s the way it would be

One day the phone rang/ It was her/ She was calling with news

Three years had gone by/ Since my crack in class about Kansas/ Her man ceased to be happy/ And she was going home

That was not right/ It couldn’t be/ I went into shock/ While my friends made fun of me

Jesus Christ/ What?/ Holy shit/ Why?/ What the fuck?/ Are you kidding?/ Are you joking?/ You can’t leave/ You can’t leave/ You were supposed/ Jesus Christ/ Always be there/ Holy shit/ Jesus Christ

A few days later/ She came over/ To say good-bye/ I would not let that fly

I needed to get away/ On so many drugs/ In a nice lady’s basement/ I needed to get away

It made sense to her/ Like it did to me/ When I wanted/ To go with her

Great/ I’ll see you in march/ That was five months away

..........

Just last night/ In the middle of the night/ I woke up/ Not knowing were I was

I thought I was in Texas/ I thought I’d bought land/ Then I knew/ I was in Connecticut/ It took a minute/ Before I knew I was wrong/ I was in South Dakota/ I’d been there all along

I decided to discuss/ The way that I felt/ I brought the topic up/ With a simple little question

Will you ever love anybody/ more than you love me?

Upon which/ She took the hint/ Then she asked me/ So what if I do

That wouldn’t be cool/ Was my general reply/ I can’t stand to see you/ with some other guy

She was trying to avoid this/ This and all relationships/ A girl’s got pressure/ Not wanting to be owned/ Especially by me

She had all sorts of questions/ I’d been dying to answer/ She knew what I was getting at/ She knows how love is

I told her of so many things/ Like my respect for her freedom

/ And my passive aggressive acceptance/ Of her lacking interest

This first instance/ Ruined her day/ She thought I was different/ That I wouldn’t get in her way

Of casual sex/ And getting fucked hard/ By every Luke, Peter, Pam,

Marc, and Bryan

Then a few days of talking/ Every discussion important/ She was in upheaval/ From unearthed emotions revealed

I was supposed to be different/ And not want to own her/ She was going to be different/ Not controlled by a stoners boner

Her relationships don’t last/ Always getting fucked up/ In this sense we would ruin/ The great thing that we’ve got

As if I want a relationship/ I only want her love/ Which I already have/ And intend to protect

I told her she is free/ To nail whoever she wants/ But if she does I will leave/ And that is not what she wants

Because it bothers me so/ More than she/ Could ever know/ So much so, I’m willing to go

But I don’t want to leave/ And she won’t change for me/ And we can’t figure out/ What to do about this

.........

The serendipity is like this/ The day we arranged the move/ Was the day I moved out of a rotting recreational vehicle/ And in with some friends

Two months before that/ Was the second DUI/ Out of my house/ And into a camper

It was summer time/ I tried joining the navy/ I even pissed clean/ But they wouldn’t have me/ Asthma/ I’m a drunk/ Take your pick

I was in that camper/ From late July/ To mid-October/ Some pretty cold nights

Couldn’t handle it/ And went to that nice basement/ That day, she made her visit/ She would leave town the next day

My arrest had paralyzed me/ No car, no license/ No hope, no penance/ Stuck and rejected

Could not infiltrate the navy/ And lick their money gravy/ Drugs were still there/ That’s all that was there

In those two months/ I lost hope of escape/ From those drugs and that town/ The navy was my chance

Then that day/ She came to me/ Like the sun through a storm/ She made it ok

I was going with her/ Or I should say ‘to’ her/ It was truly a blessing/ Five months away

To live with her/ I would have to be clean/ No drugs no booze/ In a town far away

I needed time to make money/ Time to prepare/ To say good-bye/ Though I didn’t really care

Me and my housemate/ Another lost soul/ Went to find jobs/ In the days that followed

It seemed/ Jobs were rare/ It seemed/ They weren’t there

I talked to her/ Once a week/ On Sundays/ Every week/ Until I arrived

What items she would get/ What items I would bring/ The excitement and love/ Once a week on the phone

Unexpectedly/ My ex called me/ Her man cheated/ And she called me

That changed everything/ The silly little thing/ She came around/ Then it turned upside down

I was about to shift direction/ Give the move all up/ I got her a ring/ And she blew me off

New Year’s Eve/ And New Year’s Day/ My ex blew me off/ On our anniversary

The ring went to/ Another good friend/ A girl who was there/ To take it off my hands

The same day/ New year’s eve/ Was opening day/ Of the restaurant/ I got a job at

Iranian owners/ Gave me plenty hours/ I loved that family/ Especially the daughter

Five days a week/ I worked opening/ In a purple haze

I saved money/ I spent money/ Ordering and shipping/ Stuff to her place

The last months in Connecticut/ I was drunk and fucked up/ Always with friends/ Saying goodbye/ To that plot of land

I did:

Ecstacy and acid/ Amphetamines and mushrooms/ In that order backward/ The month before I moved/ I’m done with all that

One friend in particular/ The best one actually/ The only one on my level/ Did something strange

This friend had gotten into the navy/ When they wouldn’t have me/ He was getting away/ To far away lands

I knew I had to get away/ Because I’d have been alone/ Once he left/ I’d have been alone

That was one/ Of the big three/ The three big reasons/ I left CT

In no order/ These are those reasons/ Drugs and alcohol/ Would have destroyed me/ I’d have been left/ With no opportunity

I was in love with the girl/ All of this is about/ Had been for three years/ Would have followed her anywhere

And my partner in crime/ Was getting away/ That in mind/ I could not stay

Oh, I suppose there is four/ I hated those towns/ Those towns and those people/ And I always had/ Always

So my friend/ He did something strange/ At my keg party he announced/ He was going to stay

Not join the navy/ Not get away/ Not buy a bitchin Camero/ And not have a career/ In photo fucking journalism

Who knew he had it in him/ To claim he’s too free/ Honestly not even me/ Not even I/ Would claim I’m too free

The navy was/ The best opportunity/ The only chance/ For the two of us

And he blew it off/ All I know is/ He better not rot/ And he better get out

I had planned to leave/ On March 15th / But planned to leave/ A few days late

I couldn’t help/ But throw a kegger/ The Friday before I left/ That was the 18th March

My last day in Connecticut/ Was the first day of spring/ A time of renewal/ The astrological new year

I had said good-bye/ The best that I could/ On March 21st / I left on a coach bus

Never had been/ So in-between/ I’d left one life/ And wouldn’t be missed/ On the way to another/ Cross country in spring mist/ What waited ahead was/ At worst better than/ What lay behind

The past was shattered/ Beyond renewal, discarded/ That night, I raced ahead/ To better days/ It was dark my page was lit/ An aching ass on which I sat/ The terrain was changing/ So was I

The planets aligned/ I was fine/ There, with no one/ Easing my mind

That was an upheaval/ Who knew it was positive/ The planets are so real/ Those people were not

I fell cross country/ Into her arms

..........

So now the ultimatum/ Or so she called it/ Our whatever we’ve got kind of relationship/ Or other men

Because as of now/ She knows it all/ And is coping/ With it all/ My feelings and all

What’s obvious is/ The strength of her desires/ She wants other men/ She wants all of them

I think it makes sense/ But I’m only a man/ Not sure/ How much I can stand

So for a few days/ This love topic is up in the air/ Conclusions dormant/ As we discuss this torment

All that I know is/ I refuse to let her go and/ She won’t give in to/ My unfair demands

She’s all about sex/ I’m all about love/ This dilemma/ Rises above

I want to knock her up/ She must mother my child/ No one else is worthy/ I fight her denial

She wants/ Her kid to be ignorant/ So it can be happy/ She wants/ Her kid to be athletic/ Because she never was

She wants/ Her kid to smile straight/ Because she thinks it’s important

But my teeth are crooked/ And I’ve never run a mile/ Ignorance is the enemy/ And I’d fight to the death

Women don’t know what they want/ And most never will/ So I point out the positives/ Convincing her still

The kid would be brilliant/ The world needs intelligence/ I’m smart and I’m sort of happy/ So fuck ignorance

I couldn’t argue/ With the physical issues/ They’re cut and dry/ We must look the other way/ It’ll get by/ I did

She says/ It’ll be a drugie/ We both know that is true/ But that’s up to the kid/ And what it would do

For the record/ She WILL have my kid/ It’s a matter of time

She is mother material/ And her genes are just right/ A beautiful woman/ Bursting with insight

I doubt anyone else/ Will understand me/ And I won’t take the chance/ And just let her pass

And I’ll bet/ You’re dying to know/ Her take on all this/ Well here you go

She wrote this/ In the midst of our emotional abyss:

……

Richie/ You’re so beautiful/ But not beautiful for me/ Richie/ You’re a lover/ But not a lover of mine/ Richie/ You have needs/ But you have no need for me/ Richie/ You have wants/ But you have no want for me/ Richie/ You’re so blind/ But you only have eyes for me/ Richie/ I’ll get you glasses/ Then someday you can see

……

Well, I don’t know/ About all of that/ We’ll see in the end/ To me it’s all false

This next one of hers/ Is a bit more insightful:

…….

Why does every one have to own me?/ Everyone can just blow me/ I feel out of place/ Far out in space/ Gravitating towards what I hate/ What I hate is just my fate/ I spin out of control past what I want/ I’ve lost it and forgotten what it was/ Living my life for everyone else/ Every step I took I just lost myself/ Someday I hope I revolve around/ And maybe that day I will have found/ Just what I lost so long ago/ When I caught myself in the tow/ Another life another chance/ To repeat this fucked up dance/ Of revolving and belonging/ To every planet but my own

…….

She’s such a free bird/ It seems to me/ She wants to be/ All alone

A nomad/ Of the sexual realm/ Which is fine by me/ So badly I want her to be free

But in-between/ My current state/ And my acceptance/ Something has to happen

She says she wants a family/ And if not with me then who?/ There is no one else

for the two of us/ Other than us

And she calls it lust/ Three years of friendship/ An all encompassing understanding of the other/ A life together/ And she calls it lust

She can’t see me/ As a lover/ Because she sees me/ As a brother

You know, it’s tough/ Dissolving platonic relations/ It has to be done/ To move ahead

She is so used to/ The way things were/ She won’t accept/ The way things are

That’s how I see it/ Call me delusional/ I’d say determined/ We’ll see in the end/ Whether or not/ I’m only a friend

So she wouldn’t accept/ This ultimatum of mine/ She will not budge/ It is not easy

CUT IT/ I cannot conclude/ This bit

It’s done/ To make way/ For the next one

.........

Oh futility/ Do you know?/ I’ve gotten/ What I’ve wanted

She is mine/ For the most part/ She kept a piece/ Of herself/ And I’m not sure/ If it’s talking to me

We are now/ Lovers in arms/ Joined together/ For whenever

But I worry still/ Is she happy/ Does she agree/ Wholeheartedly with me?

I am happy/ But uneasy/ I am relieved/ But fearing deceit

This piece/ Will now split in two/ She has read what was written/ Now we will see/ What will happen

She wrote to me:

……

I’ll be the sun you’ve always needed/ I refuse to be the sun you’ve always wanted/ You can revolve around me every year/ But don’t get too close because you’ll be burned/ I have my hot spots

I have my cold spots/ I have my sun spots/ But I’ll shine down on you as long as you need/ Just know- just like this crazy world that we currently inhabit- there are some places that won’t see me. No sunshine. I refuse and I can’t. It’s beyond the laws of nature, physics, celestial science.

All I can ask/ Is for you to adapt/ My love, you need a moon/ To move your tides/ To tempt the wolves to howl/ And guide you when I’m not there/ A reflection of me/ But not me/ You’ll be burned/ So wear sun screen/ And don’t look at me directly/ You’ll go blind, as you already have/ In reference to what I wrote before/ I’ll get you sunglasses, Richie. And then you can see.

……

End her words

Part II

Repercussions/ Have driven me to this

Driven me/ To/ Jotting in disgust/ Rotting in disgust

This mess/ Is wrenching my guts/ Tearing me apart/ Sadly, I remain whole

Things are now conflicted/ They weren’t before/ It’s a horror/ I’m destroyed inside

She has read this/ And will never fuck me again/ That’s what she said to my face/ When I expected an embrace

What is it women know/ That I don’t?/ She won’t be my lover/ She refuses/ She is stubborn/ I will NOT give up

I want to vomit/ All day long/ I want to get drunk/ All the time

I want to bury a razor/ Into my flesh/ Just to ease my mind/ Ease my restless chest

I’m writing poems of hate/ Hatred towards this woman/ I love endlessly/ Because she rejects me

Hate blanket

This is the voice/ Of manifested emotions

That dumb bitch/ FUCK HER/ God, I hate her

Logic and reason/ Tell me none of that’s true/ But my illogical emotions/ Won’t hear a word of it

My inner thoughts are screaming hate/ When all I feel is love/ I know only love/ Love unrequited

Denied love created emotions/ The emotions manifest/ Into a voice/ At the back of my head/ Screaming hate through my eyes/ And taking hold of my loved one/ The one who denied me of my love

The things I think/ Are no longer real/ Distorted, along with/ What I feel/ No logic no love/ Just hate/ It’s not proper/ It shouldn’t be this way/ My reason tells me so/ But as of now/ Hate’s all I know

At night/ Instead of her arms/ I wrap myself in a blanket of hate/ I don’t respect hate/ And I don’t believe in it/ But it’s so evident/ So relevant/ So real to the touch/ I can only shiver restless in my cold blanket of hate

We’ll sleep apart

You go to bed/ We’ll sleep apart/ It’s not in the cards/ For us to be together

Now I don’t believe that/ But like hours of interrogation/ You’ve broken my mind/ I’ll confess to anything/ Because you’re so persuasive

I couldn’t believe/ The strength of your resilience/ I guess that’s why/ You overtook my confidence

So while you sleep/ My guitar will gently weep/ My eyes cannot tear/ Though they want it so/ I love you from afar/ Like the way things are

We’ll sleep apart

Something has gone wrong/ We were together/ Now we’re not

We made love/ She would say sex/ Because it was fun/ I agree/ Only because she wouldn’t kiss me/ But I still say making love/ Because what’s to lose by it?

Now we don’t sleep together/ We fight and she is distant/ But we remain friends/ While I stew in hate

I will just complain

Why can’t she love me?/ Her reasons are shallow/ What is wrong with her/ It’s not fucking fair

She says, I want to love you/ like you want me to./ Well if she wants to

why doesn’t she/ She WILL be with me/ She WILL be mine/ She THINKS she won’t/ I KNOW she is wrong

So FUCK her/ Let her come around/ She already has/ And she’ll do it again

She will come around/ Over and over/ Until she forgets/ Where she’s coming from

Until then/ A violent jealousy/ Will overtake me/ It’s on its way

This ride will be wild/ I will hang on/ Until the child/ Oh/ What a long while…

This girl/ Must spin in circles/ At all times/ To move forward

The issues repeat/ But we grow closer/ She brings something up/ And it gets harder

She makes me want to drink/ So I won’t give a damn/ When this girl makes me think/ When I can’t stop thinking

How badly I want her/ My paralyzing fear/ Of losing her/ What if I lost her?

She is my queen/ Or better, my GOD/ My sweet vengeful God/ Just fucking with me

There will be other men/ This I understand/ What I can’t comprehend/ Is WHY she needs other men

We are equal/ I am stubborn/ We are equal/ She is stubborn

I push for love/ She pushes me away/ She won’t accept/ An absence of variety

And what can I do/ Lest drive her away/ It’s all attack and retreat/ Wax on and wax off

.........

Another day has come/ She spends it with/ That mid-west dick/ When she had me/ In the morning

In that sense/ This times different/ He goes were I’ve been/ But he’ll never understand

He won’t understand/ The mess he’s in/ Or the delusion/ Of the girl he’s in

He’s so innocent/ She’s as out there as me/ It’s her place/ To live this disgrace

As for me/ You should see me/ Ignoring this/ Sitting on clenched fist

As lovers in arms/ We are awkward/ Getting that close to her/ Is just so hard

We’ve been friends/ For so long/ I don’t know when to start/ I don’t know where to stop

Can I take liberties/ When do I kiss her?/ If I kiss her at all/ Will she kiss me?/ When do I touch?/ How much is too much

We’re not very passionate/ Like we both wish we were/ The difficult transition/ Is turning her off/ But I doubt it’s my fault

Then I get worried/ And that turns her off

Until she commits/ There is a great in between abyss/ Where anything can happen/ Any man can come along

I will be here/ I will stand my ground/ I will keep this woman/ I will turn men around/ I must

This