Facing Forward: A Life Reclaimed

Reba D

Facing Forward

A Life Reclaimed

Published by Mondial at Smashwords.

One woman’s powerful journey from independence — into a marriage paralyzed by the grip of domestic violence — and back again to a life of hope and wholeness.

This book is dedicated to my family and friends who stood by me through some of

the darkest days of all our lives, and lived

to see the light emerge.

Thank you. I love you.

(Reba D)

Copyright

Published by Mondial at Smashwords.

Mondial

New York

Reba D:

Facing Forward

A Life Reclaimed

Copyright © Mondial and Reba D, 2011

All rights reserved.

Cover design: Cohesive Graphics

ISBN (This Electronic Edition): 9781595692139

ISBN (Paperback Edition): 9781595691767

www.mondialbooks.com

www.FacingForward-ALifeReclaimed.com

Contents

Introduction

Chapter One: A Door Once Closed

Chapter Two: Meeting Philip Online

Chapter Three: First Impressions Seldom Lie

Chapter Four: The Element of Surprise

Chapter Five: Loss Leaves Such a Hollow Feeling

Chapter Six: A Perfect Day, If There is Such a Thing

Chapter Seven: Every Oak Starts as an Acorn

Chapter Eight: Promises Broken

Chapter Nine: Wisdom of the Inner Voice

Chapter Ten: A Good Interview

Chapter Eleven: Two Steps Forward, Two Steps Back

Chapter Twelve: And Baby Makes Three

Chapter Thirteen: Calm Before the Storm

Chapter Fourteen: Witnessing Philip’s Truest Colors

Chapter Fifteen: Gearing Up for Coming Changes

Chapter Sixteen: No Going Back

Chapter Seventeen: In God’s Hands

Chapter Eighteen: Faith in a Better Tomorrow

Chapter Nineteen: Cold Realization

Chapter Twenty: A Long Goodbye

Chapter Twenty-one: Facing Forward

Chapter Twenty-two: Understanding Why

Chapter Twenty-three: Sweet Freedom Rings

Appendix

Reba D

Facing Forward

A Life Reclaimed

Introduction

Domestic violence does not discriminate. It affects the educated and affluent and the uneducated and impoverished alike. It affects the spectrum of cultural and religious groups. Sometimes those with the most to hide are hiding the most.

My story is unique in that my former husband, a Lutheran pastor, evolved from belittling comments to threatening to kill me in less than a year and a half. For many victims the progression from doting companion to threatening and dangerous mate happens so slowly that they begin to question themselves in the process. Am I crazy? they often wonder. Is this all a misunderstanding? Is the perpetrator getting more dangerous or is he (or she) having an isolated bad day?

You may be surprised that someone like me could have become a victim of domestic violence. There may even be times in the pages ahead when you want to scream at me to turn around before it’s too late. You wouldn’t be alone. So many of my friends worked to discourage me from making what turned out to be a monumentally disastrous decision to marry a man I clearly didn’t know. To the world, I had it all: a great job, a super hot body, a luxury sports car, a close family and wonderful friends. I was educated and had traveled throughout the U.S. and Europe for work. But I lacked self-esteem. I was so desperate to get married and have children that at one point I actually said to God, Just send me a man who wants to get married. I will take anyone. And that attitude set me up for the con artist I married.

What was surprising to me was how quickly I spiraled into a co-dependent role. As you will see, I fought it at first. But the fighting wears a person down and the day eventually came when all I wanted was to get through it without another argument.

It took being free for me to realize that abusive people know what they are doing is wrong, and they compensate. They compensate for their bad behavior with outstanding gestures, humor and words. They buy gifts. They win you back. They become challenged by the game of driving you away and winning you back, ultimately damaging their victims from the inside out. I was fortunate to be surrounded by a group of aware, committed family and friends who educated themselves and fought for my safety.

If you are single and wishing you too could meet that special person, please read my story and do not settle like I did. I was so sure that my easy-going personality could make it work with anyone, and that expectation set me up to meet someone who didn’t respect me and who treated me very badly.

If you are in an abusive situation, you deserve better. You have options. You are not alone and you do not need to stay. If you have children, you must leave or you will teach them that it is okay to become abusive or allow someone to abuse them.

If you care about someone in this situation, be firm. You owe it to them to be a mirror – to show them the truth – to let them see the ugly. If you tell them what they want to hear, in an effort to support them or be there for them, you are enabling them to stay. It is very difficult to reflect the truth about such a harsh reality. I ignored the warnings of friends and family because it was easier to keep peace with my husband in the moment. Leaving seemed like such an enormity. But as you will see, my family and friends supported me by standing their ground. Their strength empowered me to leave before I was killed or turned up missing.

Why am I publishing this book anonymously? Certainly many of my friends and family members lived through this dark ordeal with me. And since my leaving, I have been open about how my choices changed my life. While I haven’t advertised my story, I have shared it when appropriate, to help those who are walking in the shoes that only five years ago I also filled.

Today, I’ve completely forgiven my ex-husband and his parents for their actions. My sole purpose is to share my story with the hope that it will help someone who is currently struggling or someone who cares for a victim of domestic violence and wants desperately to understand.

Originally, I wrote this account while going through my divorce. But when I received an email from a stranger on Facebook – crying out for help – I knew at once my story was meant to be more than simply a cathartic exercise in documentation for me.

Facing the truth and making that difficult decision to leave may be the hardest single decision you’ll ever make. And after you leave, things may get worse before they get better. My life did. But slowly, over time, the light will emerge from behind the clouds. Hope is just around the corner!

Chapter One

Door Once Closed

It was a crazy Monday, April 19, 2010, a day that would launch two weeks of me crying uncontrollably at times. My life was full of transition. The medical director of the emergency department at the hospital where I work had recently left his position, and I missed him very much. My father’s health was up and down daily following surgery for kidney cancer and then a stroke. And by the end of the day, it was official: our CEO was being transferred across the country. This was the man who hired me, mentored me, and who was a boss first but also a friend.

After work, I stopped by the Pilates studio in town to jump for 20 minutes, and then home to shower, make dinner, and confide in the only source my job allowed – my pet bird, Gema.

I checked email once more before heading to bed, sorting between those from friends, family and colleagues, and solicitations from strangers. Not unusual, I received a Facebook message from a stranger. It wasn’t a scam.

The message was from a woman. Sienna. As soon as my eyes read the second sentence, my heart dropped. Fear overtook me. Why now? Why today of all days? What did she want from me?

Hi. I’ve been dating Philip Dazzel for almost a year. We are no longer dating because of his erratic behavior. I know it’s a little strange but I’m looking for some explanation as to why the sequence of events and odd behavior have occurred. I was wondering if you could shed some light on your experiences and please tell me I’m not crazy.

Thank you,

Sienna

I sat at my desk motionless. Here I finally had my life back, after five years, and a door I never wanted opened again suddenly cracked. My first response was impulsive, even selfish. Despite her obvious frustration, I could only see this interaction in terms of how it affected me. I wanted to support her but I was suddenly afraid for my safety.

Sienna – You are not crazy. How did you find me?

I didn’t want to get involved, but I also didn’t want to leave her without resources or help. I contacted my ex-husband’s brother, Mel, before going to bed.

By the time I awoke the following morning, Mel had responded. Mel was supportive and offered to help Sienna, just as he had helped me five years ago. Armed with Mel’s offer, I wrote back to Sienna, embedding Mel’s note into my response.

Hi Sienna, your note took me off guard. I am thankful that I got away from Philip alive. He is in no way a part of my life. Please never mention my name to him. I never want anything to do with him again and I don’t trust that he wouldn’t try to harm or kill me or my family. I live only two hours away. I shared your FB note with his brother, Mel, who along with my folks helped me escape. This is what Mel wrote back to me:

Dear Reba:

Tell her she is not crazy and that she is very fortunate to get away from him. Give her my email if you want to not be too specific.

Mel

MelDazzel@free-email.com

Sienna, I’m sorry that I cannot say more, but you seem like a smart lady to be asking questions. I ignored red flags. I paid a very high price. rd

That night, Sienna wrote back.

Hi Reba,

I am sooo sorry to hear this. You seem extremely bright, articulate and successful. I will not tell Philip you and I spoke. He is a very scary, crazy person... I’m not sure if he’s bordering on a narcissistic – sociopath personality or what. I’m not a psychologist, so I can’t say for sure but something is definitely odd. He told me you called 911 on him but said it was a joke. With his behavior like it is, I found it probably not to be a joke. He also told me that Mel was out of his life but didn’t go into detail, other than that Mel stood up for you and not his family.

Again, I’m so sorry for the things that happened to you; I believe you over him. I thank you for sharing this with me because it affirms my fears. I will not fall into his traps of mind manipulation anymore. I don’t want to write Mel at this time because Philip is not in my life as of a few days ago. If he becomes a problem, then I would love to inquire more if I have to take legal matters. Horrible that he’s a pastor and able to influence other’s lives.

God’s Blessings to you and your continued success in life! Sienna

P.S. It was very difficult to find you since I didn’t have your last name. I paid for a background search of Philip and found your name buried in the paperwork. Sorry to alarm you. :-)

No functional, sane person calls 911 as a joke. Did she really believe that? Obviously, she had a firm grasp on the reality of life with our shared ex. I was just so thankful she too walked away.

Dear Sienna,

Oh wow! Your experience and your conclusions were so similar to mine. I assure you that the call to 911 was not a joke. Philip was arrested and pleaded guilty to domestic violence. He later got his record cleared – I have NO IDEA HOW! It’s a matter of public record.

God is so good. About a month ago, someone brought to my attention that Philip listed on Facebook that he was in a relationship –

and that he was predicting he would be a good father. It sent chills down my spine. I contemplated contacting the lady to warn her. But I was afraid to risk it. So I prayed that God would protect her and open her eyes before it was too late. I decided not to get involved. I never expected that she (you) would contact me. I am thankful to God for protecting you. Never turn away from His voice.

You are correct that today I am very successful. But I lost everything in my relationship with Philip, including my health, my security, my money, my figure, my career, and my self esteem – and it took me 4 YEARS to begin to get it back. I have a very good life today but I paid a very high price for my brief marriage to Philip.

You are absolutely right that he is a great manipulator. He finds out where you are MOST vulnerable and he uses it to attack you. Let’s pray that God will move him far away from Washington – away from you and away from me.

Take care and please for your sake, never go back. rd

A few minutes later, Sienna replied via Facebook. It was chilling to me that Philip was still an active pastor, in the very church that Sienna attended.

Holy Smokes! That is so weird that you were praying for me... God works in awesome ways. Thank you, Reba. I will look up the court case; thank you for trusting me enough to share.

I’m very happy you got your life back and it sounds like you are doing excellent! I’m doing better myself and will only get stronger. I will NEVER go back to Philip, but I had to pretend like I thought he was a nice guy and okay. I told him it was me/my fault and blamed it on my past. This seemed to sort of appease him but I hope it’s enough. I have a feeling he’ll keep trying to have me come back only so he can be abusive some more and try to gain control.

I will definitely pray that God makes it so he will have to leave the state in order for you and me to have peace of mind. I’m also going to pray that God will get him out of the ministry. This is such a horrible thing. Again, thank you for trusting me enough to share and if you ever want to write me I’m available at sienna@free-email.com.

Have a great night, Reba, and don’t worry... God is good!

Blessings,

Sienna

Sienna and I went about our own lives for a couple of days. As the weekend grew closer, I was pretty sure that Philip would say or do something grandiose to win back her affection. I wanted to encourage her to stay strong on Saturday and Sunday when she didn’t have work to distract her.

Hi Sienna,

Hope you are hanging in there. I want to encourage you to remain strong. Imagine giving up everything you have including your self-worth. No man (or person) should ever take that away from you. You were smart to say whatever you had to in order to get away. Imagine if you actually started to believe the horrid names Philip called you or suggested about you. Imagine going tens of thousands of dollars into debt. Imagine losing your health. Imagine the exhaustion FOREVER.

When I left Philip, all I wanted was for him to get help. Like you, I searched out one of his former girlfriends (from seminary). She painted a picture much like mine only she was smarter than me – she never married him. Now you have a similar story, and you too were smarter than I was at the time.

There is a pattern here that has stretched from 1998 until now. Clearly, he has had opportunities to change and get help. There may come a time when you want to believe things can be different. God knows I went through that many times. I would encourage you to look at this substantial history. I would encourage you to put your sister or your best friend in your shoes and ask how you would respond if he had dated someone you loved and did/said the things to them that he has done/said to you.

I met Philip when I was 32. I desperately wanted to have children and he said all the right things at first. I don’t want to go into detail with you, but I do want you to know that I am continuing to pray for you. I would encourage you to change your passwords and take precautions to protect yourself. Weekends can be really hard after a breakup. Please be careful.

In faith for your well-being,

Reba

A week passed before I heard from Sienna a final time.

Hi Reba,

Thank you for sharing your concern for me. I know there are always two sides to everyone’s story but I’m trying to take it all in.

You are correct, I do feel like God is working in our lives and I’m trying to give Philip a chance. I’m sorry I got you involved. It probably was a weak moment for me and I didn’t mean to pry into your past. In hindsight, I should have dealt with it on my own.

I also appreciate your prayers and concern and I am taking it slowly and with much prayer. We’ll see what happens and how things progress. I believe we are going to get some counseling as well and I’m hoping this will help both of us with our mutual baggage! It’s hard to be our age and not have scars in life. :-)

Have a great weekend and again, thank you for your concern.

Sienna

It pained me to read her note. It reminded me of something I would have written five years earlier. When you love someone, you want to believe that they love you enough to change. You want to believe that somehow things can be different. And as sad and disappointed as I was to read Sienna’s note, I couldn’t judge her. I was her at one point.

I never responded.

What I decided to do instead was to tell my story of how I broke the cycle of abuse. I hope that through my story others will find the strength to see their situations for what they really are and somehow muster enough strength to plant a seed of hope for a better tomorrow.

Chapter Two

Meeting Philip Online

In early winter 2002, I met Philip online at a site that claimed to match couples from the inside out. They required applicants to take a personality assessment that is supposedly designed to determine the true compatibility of couples, despite outward appearances. I didn’t really want to join an online dating site, but when a colleague at work heard about it on the radio, I thought, What do I have to lose?

Philip lived in Florida at the time, and he seemed unlike anyone else I had ever met. He was so exciting and driven. His writing was atrocious, which as a writer and editor normally would have bothered me; but his exciting stories and life experiences more than compensated for his lack of written communication skills. The things he had achieved were outstanding. He claimed to have traveled the world – to more than 60 countries. He claimed he played international rugby for Canada, had a masters degree, was a fifth-generation pastor, worked in construction, worked for an airline, spoke four languages [he would later say five] and was co-producing a film with Disney in Orlando. He had trouble uploading his picture, which initially concerned me, but with a match this perfect, I wasn’t going to judge his appearance over his character anyway.

When my sister was down in Los Angeles to go to the Rose Bowl with me on January 1, 2003, I showed her Philip’s profile. She was extremely skeptical about him. She had questions that I later passed on to Philip, such as how could he prove he was a pastor, and how did he manage to work in all these careers and travel and go to seminary? Following my questions, his communications decreased both in frequency and in terms of continued revelations about his life.

At some point in January or February he asked if he could call me and I gave him my phone number. He called in February and we began talking regularly. He would keep me on the phone late into the night. A part of me was annoyed that he failed to get off the phone when I asked, but another part of me enjoyed the attention and knowing he wanted to talk to me so long and so often. I had never had conversations like that with anyone and it was nice. He was a cool pastor. I always thought pastors would be uptight and only want to talk about the Bible. Philip had so many interests. He asked so many questions about me and my dreams and told me about his. I was falling for a man I had never met in person, and for the first time I believed it really was possible to love someone from the inside out. It had been so long since I had been in love – and then one night, he said what I thought I was feeling: I love you. Call me tomorrow. Bye.

He told me he loved me. He loved me? Without meeting me? It was odd but exciting. The next day he found two pictures of himself, but sent them with a note stating that they were a little old. He wasn’t sure how old, but he made it clear they weren’t taken recently. He was very handsome and very young. He was tan, blonde and extremely buff – at least from the shoulders up, which was all that showed – and he had piercing blue eyes. One was a family picture of his parents, his two brothers and him, and the other one was a picture of what he referred to as his rugby days. I showed his rugby picture to a colleague. Naturally, I was a little upset when she told me she didn’t like his eyes and said he did not look like a nice person.

His eyes were cold in that particular picture. But as I explained to her, athletes have to be tough mentally and physically and sometimes that look of determination used to psych out one’s opponent can be misunderstood for having a cold personality.

Called to Omville, Wisconsin

Philip was in the call process for finding a new pastoral position. I don’t remember him giving me a reason at that point for why he was leaving his church in Florida. He told me that he had interviewed with numerous churches around the US and after receiving six or seven calls, he was trying desperately to listen to where the voice of God was calling him.

One night, he called me with great sadness in his voice. There was a church in Pennsylvania that had pressured him very strongly to accept a call there, and yet he felt called to the church in Wisconsin. He said he felt flattered by their disappointment and yet he felt certain that St. Luke’s in Omville was where he belonged.

I told him that if he felt God was calling him to St. Luke’s in Omville that God would call someone else to the Pennsylvania parish. I recommended that he tell them how much he enjoyed getting to know their congregation and that he would pray that God would call the right pastor for them to their church as well. This seemed to satisfy him, and he was very appreciative of my concern over what troubled him. And of course, I felt honored that he would consult me on such an important concern in his life.

UPDATE: Two years later, in May 2005, when talking to a parishioner who was familiar with his call process to St. Luke’s, the person remarked to me, We should have known something was wrong when he didn’t receive any other calls. I corrected that person by saying, He told me he received six or seven other calls, and I specifically remember one in Pennsylvania. The person was polite and didn’t argue, but firmly restated that their understanding was different from mine.

Missed Connections

Back in March 2003, I worked for a financial software company, and we had a user conference planned in Orlando. I so badly wanted my boss to send me.

Philip lived in Orlando and I wanted to meet the voice I only knew through the phone. I was so excited the moment I learned I got to go. I had never been to Orlando, but sightseeing wasn’t my priority nor was business really; meeting Philip was.

I called him with the good news as soon as I found out; we were both so excited to meet. But the next day he called me and told me that his mom had come down to help him pack and relocate to Wisconsin as St. Luke’s had insisted he move up his start date. This meant he would be leaving Orlando just one day before I arrived for my business trip. I asked about why he needed an entire week to get to Wisconsin, and asked him to stay an extra half day so we could meet. After all, I was arriving on a redeye around seven o’clock the next morning.

He said he would talk to his mom about it. When he called back later that day he said that unfortunately, his mom had promised his Aunt Alice that they would spend a few days with her on their way through Tennessee and her schedule was totally inflexible in terms of the plans she had already made for their visit. He said he was really sorry; and despite my disappointment, his charming approach to life’s ups and downs had me laughing in no time.

Less Magic in the Magic Kingdom

I told him I was taking the redeye so I would have a day to go to Disney World. I had always wanted to go to Disney World. He told me that he preferred Epcot Center to the Magic Kingdom and was certain I would too.

While I loved the Magic Kingdom, and took lots of pictures, it turned out that he was right about my preference for Epcot Center. I was amazed by the fact that he seemed to know me so well that he would already know my preferences, even before we met in person. It was like he could read my mind. And my mind was beginning to romanticize a man who would ultimately change my life. The conference went well and I enjoyed networking with colleagues and clients. The only thing missing was Philip.

As soon as he got to Wisconsin, he called and asked if I would visit him there, since he was unable to take time off from his new position so soon after arriving. I was so excited that I agreed and made plans to visit him the middle of April.

But as chance would have it, I caught a terrible cold and did not feel that I could fly.

No sooner did I tell him that there was no way I could go, than he told me that St. Luke’s was sending Pastor Nick and him to the Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, California, just south of Los Angeles the very next week for training on the Purpose Driven Model, a popular devotional series used by many churches in 2003. I was surprised that the church would give him such short notice, but he explained that sending him was sort of a last-minute decision.

Because he was so swamped getting new programs started at St. Luke’s, he really needed my help finding and reserving a hotel near the conference. I agreed to make the arrangements. His mother’s sister lived in Orange County at the time and he asked me to also contact her and make arrangements for them to connect during his visit.

Philip’s First Request

Even before we met, Philip began asking me to handle favors on his behalf.

Despite barely having a voice, at Philip’s request, I phoned his aunt in Long Beach and introduced myself as a friend of Philip’s on her answering machine. She called back and as we got to talking, she sensed that there was more than friendship brewing. She told me what a big teddy bear he was. She also talked about how she was looking forward to seeing him when he came out west for his conference at Saddleback. She asked how we met and I told her that we met online. She seemed quite surprised by that.

When I talked to Philip later that day, he asked me if I told her how we met and I told him I did. He told me that I should not tell people that we met online because there was a stigma about that, especially for pastors.

I told him that was silly. He said he understood that but asked that I would not advertise how we met for the less worldly people, especially in the church. He explained to me that most people in Omville