Facing the Sky: A True Story, A Journey to Find Healing from a Broken Past

Chapter One

Facing the Sky

As I turned to walk into the house and continue with life and whatever it may bring, the distant glowing sky caught my attention in a way it never had before. I stood looking at the setting sun and began to talk to God; something I had not done in a very long time. It was the first time I felt close to Him. All that had been and all that would be in my life was epitomized in this moment. Little did I know my spirit’s cry to God that evening would continue to bring revelation to my life time and time again and a reminder that He is always there, whether I can feel His presence or not.

It is early evening in late February 1978 almost two months after my sixteenth birthday. As I watch my boyfriend, Gideon, walk down the road, I am consumed in thought. Many times during the last two years I have waited and watched while he walked home, just like now.

The tar and gravel road I live on has houses along one side. On the other side is a field where corn, and sometimes soybeans, are grown. The field is in the middle of the whole block. My house is the fourth one from a state highway, and there are seven more houses after mine before the road sharply curves. Between the curve and the rest of the neighborhood, there is a wooded area known as the pig pen because a man from town raises pigs there.

When it is not dark or foggy and as long as the corn is not tall, I can watch Gid walk down the road, go around the curve, and take the last stretch to his house which is on the corner diagonal from mine. When it is dusk or dark, I often wait to see the light turn come on in his upstairs bedroom. At first I had done this to know he got home okay. Over time I did this because I did not always trust him and wanted to make sure he really did go home.

This is not a usual evening, however. Earlier today, we finished our final plans to leave because I am about five weeks pregnant. I will start to show soon and want to leave before my parents realize I am pregnant. I am afraid of their reaction, and already feel enough condemnation of my own without anyone adding to it. Since there is no doubt I will be kicked out of the house, there is no reason to tell them about the pregnancy. The only person who knows is Gid and whoever he might tell.

About three weeks before this night, when I had told Gid about the pregnancy, he asked if I was sure. I told him I was sure because my periods had come like clockwork ever since they had started several months before.

He told me he would pay for an abortion; he knew of a place I could get it done for sixty dollars. I told him I could not have an abortion because God did not want that. This was one thing I had to be strong about and tell Gid I could not do what he wanted. As each day went by and no period started, I was more scared, and Gid became more tense—especially when he realized I really meant what I said about not having an abortion. I could tell he was scared, but he would not say so. And although I counted on him to help (it was his baby, too), I was not sure he would.

Over the last several months of my relationship with Gid, I have become numb to most of my feelings. But tonight I have very strong feelings: guilt and shame. These feelings are not because I am pregnant or because I am running, but because of who I feel I have become.

The person on the inside no longer matches the person on the outside. The person on the inside is good and means well, but the person on the outside always pushes further and further away from good.

And, I certainly do not feel like the good person that I am in other people’s eyes. My parents, teachers, and even other kids always say how smart I am and that I am a good kid, a good student. It is true; I have a very good memory and love learning and writing. I want to be a decent person, and I don’t do drugs, drink, smoke, or skip school. I do not lie or steal and have always tried to befriend those who are picked on by others. I do not sleep around. I have a sexual relationship only with Gideon.

I wonder in this moment, where is that good person and who have I become. I don’t know how I came to this point; the last couple years are a blur.

"Turn Yourself to me, and have mercy on me, for I am desolate and afflicted.

The troubles of my heart have enlarged; bring me out of my distresses!

Look on my affliction and my pain, and forgive all my sins."

Psalm 25:16-18

I have no where else to go and no one to talk to. The thought of seeing someone at a crisis center had crossed my mind, but that is where the thought ended. Most of the places I have heard of are for raped or battered women. I do not know of any place for pregnant teenagers that is easy for me to get to. Besides, going there would not change anything, and I am sure they will tell my parents.

Since I don’t want anyone to know, I had talked to Gid about leaving. He was reluctant at first and then, after a few days, seemed to accept the idea. Soon, he suggested moving to Georgia. He said he knows someone there we can stay with and he can get a job.

I had not expected Gideon to suggest moving out of state. It seems far away from Ohio and too unknown. I do not know about any friends he has in Georgia and believe he may be lying. Maybe he is just trying to see if I am serious about leaving by saying we will move that far away. Maybe he is planning to take me somewhere and then leave me or leave me with people I do not know.

I want to believe Gid is telling the truth, that he will take me away, even if it is to Georgia. I want to believe he’ll be there for me. But I have learned not to trust him, so I am never sure of anything until it actually happens. Although I am confused, I don’t question Gid much about Georgia; I am relieved he is taking a willing part in helping.

I had thought he would not want anything to do with me or the baby and I would have to live the next few months in fear and guilt, alone. I try to believe that his wanting to go to Georgia means he accepts I will not have an abortion and that maybe he is making steps in the right direction to take care of me and the baby.

As I watch Gid walk further down the road, I hope I am not headed for more trouble. I love Gid and he has often said he loves me too. Sometimes he even acts like he loves me. But he can be mean, and sometimes I fear for my life when I am with him.

Now, he is my baby’s father. I am uncomfortable about this, and I am not at all sure that running away with him is what I should do, but it seems the only thing to do. I know it is possible for Gid to change.

Trying to refocus and not think of what lies ahead, I talk to myself. ‘Maybe things will be better. Tomorrow evening, he will pick me up in his car and we will be on our way. Tomorrow, life will change even if it is not for the best. But at least I have made a decision and I will be away from my parents. If he doesn’t pick me up, I’ll just decide then what to do.’

Gid is approaching the curve in the road. Tonight I will not watch him walk all the way home. With determination, my mind now switches to focus on tomorrow’s trip, what to take, and what I will not be able to take. I cannot take much; I have to be able to get into the car quickly.

Unaware I am about to make a decision of a life time, I head to-ward the front door to go inside and start packing. I swing open the storm door, and reach for the main door handle. As I grab hold of the handle, I am stopped in my tracks. Stillness rushes into me, causing me to become motionless. Something is very different. In this stillness, I turn my head to look through the glass of the storm door and my attention comes to rest upon the setting sun. It is breathtaking!

How could I have missed this when I always like to watch the sky. Just a moment before, I had been looking that direction while I watched Gid and had not noticed the setting sun at all. This makes me realize just how deep in thought I had been. I close the storm door and walk back out onto the porch to take in the view. It is good to take a deep breath and relax.

As I look at the sky, I am awe struck. I have never seen a sunset like this. It is majestic; exquisitely painted. Within seconds, the sun’s rays silently reach out to embrace me. Closing my eyes for just a couple seconds, I absorb the peace that settles upon me, and I am humbled at the opportunity to witness the melting bright yellow sun surrounded by glowing red and purple cascades. The sun’s rays creep in and out of big, billowing clouds to reflect varying shades of color. And the edges of the clouds reflect the brightest light I’ve ever seen.

The spirit of a man is the lamp of the Lord, Searching all the inner depths of his heart.

Proverbs 20:27

A gentle breeze pulls me further into the stillness. I welcome the light breeze as this has been an unusually warm, almost hot, day. There is a touch of cool air in the breeze, reminding me the evening will get cooler and winter is not quite over. I want to stand here a long time and just breathe in the freedom of not feeling anything except this wonderful bliss.

The stillness consumes the spaces within and around me, and I am drawn further into the majestic scene. Invisibly, it reaches forth from the sky and comes into me and fills me. I feel it move throughout my being, and I somehow know it is searching, looking for something within.

I become one with the sky; there is no separation between us. A voice begins to speak to me—a voice I do not hear through ears. I have never known anything like this Presence that has come to rest upon me, but I have no doubt it is God. I know it is Him.

In this communion, my physical being is a mere shell as I am led into sacred surrender to God, and my spirit communicates the hurt and pain and desperation that have overtaken my life.

The sun sinks further toward the horizon, but its majesty does not change nor does my communion with the Father. Then, I receive a vision which comes in the form of a mental image. In the image, a road stretches out before me. It represents the road that I am presently on. Gentle breezes make little dust swirls here and there along the smooth dirt road and prairie grasses gracefully sway in the wind. Looking ahead, I see the road splits into two directions. One side veers to the left, and the other, to the right. I cannot see where either road leads.

Although simple, the meaning of this vision is very clear. As I stand on this road, I feel God and His unwavering firmness with all of my being. His strength does not command obedience or make judgment. It simply is. Like a gentle whisper, He tells me I must decide which part of the road to take. In that tender whisper, I come to know what God’s freewill means. He is not going to tell me which road to take. He does not sway me toward either direction. It is my choice. I have to make this decision, here and now. A trace of rebellion rises within me and I wonder ‘what will God say if I purposely choose the road I know is the wrong road.’ The whispering Presence emanates that, regardless of my decision, He will always love me, always be there.

I am awe struck by this overwhelming strength and love. Part of me expected to hear that I would experience His wrath; that I would not be allowed back into this love which surrounds me now. I have heard that God is always there no matter what we have done, no matter what trouble we are in. But to actually hear this from God Himself turns mere messages into a personal conversion of my heart.

Yet, I know God has shown me only part of Himself. There is more power behind those clouds than what I can fathom and I know this power could crush me if God wanted it to. I could literally die right here in this awesome Presence. I could be judged without trial or witness and condemned to live a life of shame and guilt that I believe I deserve.

But God does not want to crush me; He wants to embrace me. His love and strength is profoundly unwavering, yet so very merciful and gentle. How can God say He loves me now and will continue to love me if I walk away from Him after this moment—after He has gone out of His way to show up in such a majestic way to save me from my life of despair?

But I cannot ponder these questions, or the answers, for I am in a state of total surrender to the Spirit of God.

"Let all the earth fear (worship) the Lord;

Let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of Him.

For He spoke, and it was done; He commanded, and it stood fast."

Psalm 33:8-9

In the image both sides of the road look the same from where I stand. Knowledge of what each road holds is given to me through the Spirit. One part is a continuation of the road I am now on. On this road I likely will not be able to escape the life I would build for myself, always wanting happiness, but never having it; continually wishing things were better. I would be abused, my future children would be abused, and I would spend my life in captivity of another person’s will, whether it is Gid or the many someone elses like him. I see Gid would continue to shame me, and we would probably never have a real home. I sense continued and unending brokenness; physically, emotionally, and spiritually, for me and my future children. If I choose this side, there is no doubt I will continue to endure the sadness and hurt just as I have suffered the last couple of years, and, very likely, much worse.

The other road is where I can get well. The first thing I notice about this road is that it feels right. I sense a journey on this side means life instead of existence. It means living life to the fullest instead of slowly dying inside. It means having the opportunity to love and to be loved. I could breathe on this road and become the person God wants me to be, even though I am not sure yet who that person is. By taking this direction I would receive healing and some- day marry the person God chooses for me, someone who is good for me, not just good to me.

Looking into the vision, I know my future is to be profoundly affected by my decision. If I stay on my present path, God has assured me He will still be there if I call out to Him. But somehow I know it may be harder for me to hear Him, to remain close to Him if I allow myself to stay on this present road. Submerged in the love and strength that surrounds me now, it is not a risk I want to take. The majestic sun has set a Promise within me that things can and will be better.

This Promise helps me understand that I don’t want to wait until I have gone through misery just to come to a point later in my life and wish I had done things differently.

I desperately need out of my present situation, and now I can have a foundation of new beginnings—if I will accept it. The decision will make a difference in how I live, or do not live. It will make a difference in whether I live a full life or merely exist.

Truth is revealed as I stand there in communing silence. I can no longer hide truth from myself. I can no longer deny what my future holds should I continue to live as I have been. I choose the road of the unknown, and as I stand facing that beautiful, majestic sky, my spirit silently pleads to God.

God, I don’t want to run away with Gid. My parents don’t know I am pregnant or that I am planning to leave tomorrow night. How can I tell them I am pregnant? It wouldn’t change anything, but only make things worse. I don’t know anything about the state of Georgia. By having this baby I will be bound to Gid the rest of my life. I don’t know where my life is going, and I will end up living where and how he wants to live and will never have a life. I can’t have an abortion. God, I know this is wrong, but I ask that You to give me a miscarriage. If I have a miscarriage, God, I know it will only be because of You. If you want me to have this child, I will. Please help me. I am afraid of my life as it is now. I don’t want to live or have my children live in the conditions that I know I will be in if I stay with Gid. I don’t want my children growing up abused and moving from place to place. I envision holes in the walls of our house made by him in anger and intimidation. I need to be the person You want me to be, and I need You to help me be a better person. God, I ask you to bring the person into my life who is good for me and will help me do right even though I don’t know what good and right may be. I need someone who will let me grow and become the person you want me to be.

Immediately, I realize I have not talked to God in a very long time. I have thought about God and tried to do what was right, but I cannot remember talking to Him since Gideon raped me eighteen months ago.

Until now, I did not know just how numb I had become or how close I was to emotional, spiritual, and physical destruction. As I stand in front of the Sky, I come to know just how far I have fallen. I have lain face down in a very deep and dark valley and have spiritually and emotionally died. But now, it is time to get up and shake off the dirt. I do not wish to remain or ever return to this place.

Scenes from my past flash in and out of my mind, revealing how I have come to be in this dark place. For the first time, I realize it is not my fault I was raped by Gid or that I was molested when I was little. For the first time, I realize I do not have to continue to have sex with Gid or live with abuse, embarrassment, or shame. For the first time, I understand just what the alcoholism has stolen from my dad, my family, and me.

For the first time, I realize I am a victim of many things, but I have just made a choice to become a conqueror of my past. As the sun sinks, soon to be hidden by the trees, I am refreshed, knowing my life will take a different direction. The Majestic Sky has just planted a seed of promise within me.

With a sense of peace I cannot describe, I go to my room to get ready to leave the next day. I do not know what God is going to do, but I will wait and see…with hope.

"He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength.

Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall,

But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength;

They shall mount up with wings like eagles,

They shall run and not be weary,

They shall walk and not faint."

Isaiah 40:29-31

Chapter Two

The Truth Shall Set You Free

As I pack, I think the only way I can have a new beginning is to miscarry. But I know enough about God to know He has reasons for not answering our prayer in the way we want Him to. I think about the child within me as a person, not just a baby. I picture the future smile of a two- or three-year-old who makes me smile as they hold out a wildflower they have picked for me.

In my projected image, unknown to my child, Gideon had hurt me and I was in emotional despair. I project this image because I am almost certain Gid will continue to hurt me. I find great comfort in the flower because my child is giving it because of their unconditional love for me.

The parallel of the wildflower is exactly what God wants me to understand: He loves me unconditionally.

I do not know what this child may bring to my life or what I am supposed to bring to my child. But, I do know God has a purpose for their life. This is why abortion is not an option. God does not want me to have an abortion because He is the One to breathe life into the child. Even under the circumstances, the child is not really mine, but God’s.

I awake the next morning in pain and bleeding—lots of bleeding and lots of clots. I cry and sometimes scream in horrific pain. My parents call our family doctor who makes house calls. After his examination he gives me pills, directions on how to use them, and assures me I will be okay. That’s all he says, nothing more. My parents wait in the kitchen. I overhear the doctor tell them, She’s having a bad period and will be alright in a few days. Why didn’t the doctor tell my parents the truth? However, I am very relieved that he didn’t.

Even with medicine, the pain is horrendously intense. Large clots of tissue and blood pass from my body every few minutes for two or three days, then less frequently.

I know I am having a miscarriage. A couple of friends have shared their own stories of miscarriages with me. Based on their stories and other things I’ve learned in the past, I have no doubt what is happening. The thick clots of tissue and blood are pieces of the placenta and the baby.

That first day of my miscarriage, Mom relays that Gid came to the house asking for me. She told him I was ill. If he tried to see me anymore during that time, I am sure Mom said he could not. This is okay with me. Mom had been with me through many illnesses and problems, and although she and I clash about Gid, I am comforted to know she is there to take care of me.

As I lay in bed the next couple of days, I wonder why the doctor did not tell my parents the truth. I remember overhearing Mom’s past conversations with the doctor about Dad’s alcohol problem so the doctor was possibly protecting me from enduring any further emotional pain from Dad’s anger. Perhaps he believed there was no reason to tell them. To my knowledge, there is no law the doctor had to tell my parents what is going on.

At the same time I cannot believe my parents think I am only having a bad period. They know for sure that Gid and I had sex because a few months ago they were the ones that had to get me special medicine for lice. But they trust the doctor and believe what he says, so I am very glad to keep this secret to myself. (Note: I urge anyone going through a miscarriage to get trusted and professional medical help).

Once the first day of pain passes, I cannot do much else except lie in bed for two to three days, so in between the pains, I think. I am thankful to God. The bond with Gid is broken. Can it be coincidence I am having a miscarriage? Perhaps I wanted one so much that it just happened. But it couldn’t be—hadn’t I just asked God for a miscarriage the day before I started bleeding, and now it is happening. But I don’t wonder about it very long. It is because the miscarriage had not happened before the evening in front of the Sky, that I have come to realize the direction of my life needs to change, and for this I am grateful.

Now we, brethren, as Isaac was, are born of promise.

…we are not children of the bondwoman but of the free.

Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage.

Galatians 4:28, 4:31, and 5:1

I also wonder if Gid really would have picked me up like he said he would. It hurts to think he may not have followed through. Although I am use to his departures, it hurts that I cannot count on him. Yet, there are times Gid is there when I need him. Like the time a couple of my classmates were killed by a drunk driver and he stayed at my house all afternoon and evening just talking. He said he wanted to be with me and cheer me up.

Within a week, the bleeding eventually stops. Weakened, physically and emotionally, I manage to return to school after a few days. By now I have talked to Gid to let him know he does not have to worry anymore.

Despite the miscarriage and my experience a few days ago on the porch with God, I do not quit seeing Gid. But, I do question why I stay with him. After all, at the forked road, I had chosen the path on which I would walk into my future, and it does not seem that Gid was part of the picture—especially now that I am not pregnant. Because of the miscarriage, now I believe even more that God’s promise will be fulfilled to bring the right person into my life who I will someday marry. Even so, I believe Gid could still be the one. He can still change.

I stay with Gid because I feel I have no solid basis to tell him it is over. After everything Gid has done to me and I have stayed with him, the reason I just want out of the relationship seems weak. But I am definitely careful about having sex at times I think I can get pregnant, which Gid now easily accepts.

Gid raped me earlier in our relationship. After the rape I felt stripped of everything, but the things that first attracted me to Gid