Child Shield: Successful Parenting of Happy Children is to Instill these Character Traits

SOCIAL

Self-Discipline

The subject of discussion in this section already exists naturally in the child; how we bring that self-discipline to the surface and use it is the question. However, before we begin, it is important to know that the amount of self-discipline we, the parents, decide to exercise will determine how much we extract from this book.

From that starting point, let’s look at what self-discipline is and how it can be revealed and maintained in our children’s lives, not only to benefit more from this program but also to prepare them to achieve whatever they may aim for in life. Self-discipline is the force through which we can tap into our emotions and dreams, and then formulate them into their physical manifestation.

But we must always remember that discipline is not synonymous with punishment; in fact, punishment is often the least effective form of discipline. It teaches children what not to do instead of showing them what to do. Discipline, on the other hand, teaches children to give themselves a command and go right ahead to see it through to completion. That’s what we want to instill in our offspring right from their infancy.

Self-discipline is the ability to do what ‘should’ be done without being instructed or pushed by somebody else. It’s the ability to make yourself do what you know you should do, when you should do it, regardless of whether you feel like doing it. It’s the power within to stick with an objective even when you lack the motivation to do so. It’s the aptitude to overcome laziness and get on with the preplanned activity. It’s an inner muscle to postpone desires and impulses by delaying gratification, while creating new habits of thought, action, and speech toward improving yourself as a prerequisite to reaching your desired and set objectives.

Self-discipline in child-nurturing prepares children to understand the appropriate behaviors for becoming independent and responsible. Many parents we’ve interacted with agree that teaching self-discipline is important, but a fair number among those don’t believe they've been successful in instilling this trait within their children. This observation is not meant to demoralize you; rather, it is to help you appreciate the effort you are expending to ensure that your child efficiently reaches this milestone. It’s apparent that without self-discipline, nothing much can be accomplished. Success in any undertaking means a great amount of exercised discipline. You surely want your children to become what they want to be: a success. So let’s take this trait into serious consideration and strongly nurture it in the children’s way of life.

Challenges

Today’s parents face many challenges when it comes to instilling self-discipline in their children. We will discuss a few of these challenges below.

Hectic schedules

Technology greatly factors into the fast-paced world we live in today. Parents who try to instill self-discipline within their children may find themselves facing extra challenges because children are used to the immediate gratification that technology seems to readily provide.

In this culture of high-tech equipment, our children bury themselves in these gadgets and tend to expect that immediate gratification out of life; but the fact is, life doesn’t function this way. It takes time in every stage it follows.

Among other suggestions, many experts have agreed on one particular method of lessening this particular challenge: Parents need to find ways to slow their lives down and make time solely dedicated to their children. It’s during this time that parents can teach valuable related lessons, like making choices, decision-making and patience. More about this is discussed in the book Jewish Childhood Nurturance to Prosperity: Award Your Child a Successful Life, by Peter Kalyabe, but all it boils down to is that many children are not getting enough time to interact with their parents.

Many opportunities have been missed and resources ruined in people’s lives due to a lack of self-discipline. The failure to see a task through to completion is a lifelong handicap we need to point out to our children and help them overcome if they struggle with it. Beautiful things of any kind start with this virtue of self-discipline. It is a virtue that every person must learn to turn on every time a decision needs to be made, or to delay making a snap decision that might turn out to be fatal.

Advertisements

Organizations and corporations invest a lot of their financial resources in constantly pushing the latest must-haves to your family’s attention. Your family is a target from all angles, and, especially for children, it’s a challenge to fully overcome. Children are regularly bombarded by commercials to want a wide range of things, from snacks and fast foods to specific brands of toys, clothing and even luxuries that are not meant for children to have. In addition, anything related to screens, including TVs, computers and games, can be addictive, especially for children. This addiction soon impairs their reasoning and judgment. Instead of a child doing what she knows she should be doing, she may easily delay or forget entirely a certain responsibility, and that will negatively affect the self-discipline the child has already built up. We know that everything affects everything else in life, and since self-discipline builds on already built self-discipline, this likely addiction is bound to undermine the strength of any previously invested efforts. As parents, we need to be extremely cautious about what and how much our children watch on any of the screens in their lives.

Media

Another challenge to reinforcing self-discipline lies in the media's ever-increasing influence on us and our children, including an over-reliance on sexual content and violence via television, films, video games, and the Internet. How? They know how to appeal to a child’s powerful natural emotions, getting them to beg their parents to buy them whatever they may need. Becoming aware of some of these emotions can guide parents in related decisions they may have to make.

• The feeling of sexual expression is one of the most powerful feelings that push people to action. Marketing experts know the depth of this emotion’s influence, and they manipulate it to their advantage in advertisements. Your child is constantly being hit by a force that she can’t really understand—that is, if it’s even recognized. Minister Gary Beesley at Evangel Temple in Toronto shared a slogan which advertisers seem to lean on: Skin sells. As in, nudity brings results to advertisers. True. The media seeks various ways to suggest an outlet for this emotion to express itself through their products, and it works for them - like magic.

• Fear is another emotion that the media manipulates to its advantage in order to target children and adults in selling their products. Marketing professionals, for instance, often manipulate their words to instigate the feeling of fear, to intuitively get children to want something they probably do not even need. It might be the fear of being isolated by their peers for suggested reasons.

• The urge for respect is a natural desire; regardless of a person’s age. We all hate to be disrespected. The desire to be loved, appreciated, and made to feel important is inherent in humans. This is another emotion manipulated by the media to serve their interests. The only strategy they have to develop is of how to subtly ‘inform’ a target that if they possessed a certain advertised product, others would pay attention to them, thus bringing them respect.

• Other ‘emotional forces’ that marketing psychologists rely upon to influence children’s and adults’ judgment are: 1) appealing to all five basic senses; 2) the desire to belong; 3) music; 4) love; and 5) the desire for fame, power, and gains. Since children now spend less time with adults, these desires are rarely fulfilled. As a result, children look for fulfillment elsewhere, only to find themselves in the hands of the media, whose major aim is to make profits, not to be parents.

People often find a way to satisfy or compensate for these natural desires through whatever means they may find. As parents, in regard to the above-mentioned emotions manipulated by the media, we need to fulfill them, or someone else will. These emotions can all be addressed by simply paying attention to our children. We need to find time to be with them, and the rest will fall into place. The fulfillment of those intrinsic forces (emotions) should not be neglected.

Our children need an ongoing relationship with their family and friends to build that spiritual connectedness we all belong to. The toys and screens that some of our children find themselves relating to most of the time don’t have the fulfilling quality they are looking for.

One of your most important roles is Disciplinarian

Start by setting and maintaining consistent limits. Young children need parents to set boundaries. Regardless of the child’s reaction, boundaries are a clear indication that their parents will do what it takes to keep them safe. Safe boundaries and specific limits help them develop a healthy personality of self-control. As they grow older, they integrate these limits into measures of their own self-discipline.

Of course there are explained reasons behind your limits. They know why you want them to finish their homework or why you expect them home at a particular time. As disciplinarian, you are there to ensure that they are respecting such limits. It’s from these limits that they will learn to respect self-discipline and will be ready to pass it on to other people. Just imagine a society without any limits; we wouldn’t be able to maintain a civilized society. Young or adult, self-discipline is vital.

The key to self-discipline is self—it can’t be passed on or shared. Give your children the opportunity to exercise decision-making by providing them with options. Depending on their age, you can start with choices that, if made incorrectly, result in only minor consequences, such as choosing their own clothes. This will allow a child to learn to handle consequences without drastic results. This type of exercise will help them own the decision and the responsibility for the results thereafter. The duty of the parent is to be available to help, when needed.

Teach your child to live an involved life in a safe learning environment. For instance, let your child play a significant part in the development and application of family goals, when possible. This approach will give your child a sense of ownership and increased motivation to meet those specific goals. When a child experiences success that is her own, that experience is owned by the child. If she fails, she immediately learns a valuable lesson. However, you may not intervene; instead, let the natural and logical consequences take their due course. Your child will be taught a practical lesson that will be understood implicitly, and in a better way than if you simply told her about it. Experience is always the best teacher, and that is true for your child, too.

Set clear and realistic goals for your child. Give you child chores that he is responsible for and make sure he completes them. Set up a schedule for doing homework, going to bed, eating meals, and so on. If he sticks to it, he will develop a valuable sense of routine. Guide him through to completion as he becomes accustomed to your insistence on having work accomplished well. That is the sort of attitude you want them to appreciate and maintain through their lifetime.

Practice empathy with your child. This requires you to see the world through your child’s eyes. This activity will help you apply your experience in understanding their feelings in relation to their behaviors and age at a particular moment in time. Yes, we’ve set goals and demanded their eventual attainment – and that’s good. However, this doesn’t mean that we should completely erase the line between a child and an experienced adult. Children need to be nurtured as they grow physically and emotionally; our main duty is to protect them as they become who they are meant to be.

Exercising empathy is an effective way of communicating with a child so that he listens to you, rather than tunes you out. This goes along with acknowledging what the child has worked hard to accomplish. Take some time to show gratitude for their efforts by praising, rewarding and showing love, regardless.

Self-discipline is a nurtured skill which takes time. If your child has difficulty handling certain situations that they are expected to manage well, it may be that she is not ready cognitively or emotionally to engage in certain situations. It may also mean that she still needs preparation. Remember that children are different and grasp concepts at different times and rates of speed; exercise patience.

Punishing children for events that are beyond their individual ability is never the best option. You want to assure them that the mistakes they make are opportunities for learning. It’s not a shame to make a mistake. Avoid criticizing their mistakes, since this may prompt anger or withdrawal. You don’t want them to give up altogether, which is a possible outcome.

Small things count a lot in nurturing self-discipline. Self-discipline may seem like a small concept, but it is profoundly big. There is a tendency to neglect exercising firmness on the ‘simple’ daily manners whose effects are insightful but generally are ignored. For instance, when a parent calls a child, it’s not appropriate for a child to simply yell, What? from across the house, parking lot, or playground. Explain the importance of their appearing in front of you or where you can see them. Such seemingly small incidences help children learn that self control sometimes means that we must give up what we would like to be doing to do something else. It’s a subtle lesson that you would struggle to explain in words.

The appropriate response to ‘interactions’ is another simple but important everyday skill to emphasize in child-rearing. Many social skills require, and certainly hone, the art of self-control. Examples of such responses in daily interactions include knowing when to listen instead of speak, deciding when and how to interrupt, anger management, and reporting back after completing a task. All these subtle responses can be seen as branches of self-discipline and shouldn’t be sacrificed or neglected.

Encourage your children to become involved in activities that require self-control. Encourage children to engage themselves in activities that build self-discipline, such as sports, music lessons, a paper route, taking care of a neighbour’s pet, memorizing information, and maintaining a clean room. Morning routines, chores, and family schedules are similar opportunities for children to learn and exercise responsibility and self-discipline.

The rewards for exercising responsibility can be summed up in one word: privileges. The natural tides respect this principle as well, and they too reward it abundantly in emotional and material gains.

Provide privileges that deliberately acknowledge a child’s effort to exercise self-discipline. Such privileges don’t necessarily need to be huge; they just have to be emotionally satisfying.

Self-discipline is such a valuable trait, but it doesn’t seem to get the attention it deserves. However, children who possess this trait will more than likely hold a competitive edge over their counterparts who generally have it in less developed measures.

Rewards of cultivating self-discipline

There are many far-reaching, lifelong rewards for nurturing a self-disciplined child.

Through self-discipline, a child can easily develop the ability to think before acting. With this trait, your child automatically will have cultivated the ability to wait for a brief moment when required before making a rush decision. This quality is such an important aptitude to possess, for it increases the ability to create and maintain a quality relationship with others. Children need to cultivate this reward for their performance in school and in their future workplace. It’s a trait embedded in problem solvers and great leaders. Give it to them.

Development of self-respect. Children with this gift develop a strong self-respect from which true self-esteem rises. The genuine kind of self-esteem we want to develop in our children is the kind that is self-explanatory. You’ve probably met individuals who try to explain their self-esteem and how high it is. Such people tend to be overly defensive about their own qualities and even feel threatened if they believe you don’t recognize those qualities. One may be tempted to think that they are hiding a feeling of inferiority – which is often the case.

The truth is that true self-esteem remains an inner belief in one’s self-knowledge that they possess the required qualities and abilities to proficiently perform a task. It’s a trait that means we don’t worry about others’ perceptions of us, but that we instead focus on being the best we can be.

Putting negative emotions in check. Self-discipline is the single pill to curb instantaneous reactions to negative emotions like envy and frustrations, which ultimately lead nowhere. Your child will be able to cope better with frustration and be more socially competent and self-assertive. He will be more trustworthy, dependable, and ultimately in control of himself.

People intuitively sense those who are self-disciplined and are drawn toward them. Having personal magnetism is a great quality and very advantageous, as we all know, and your child can be part of that.

Academic Excellence. Intent observation shows that self-disciplined children are more likely to score high on their SATs (average: 210) because they believe in themselves and can maintain a state of calmness – which is vital in such tense situations.

Happier life. Most importantly, self-disciplined children are more likely to lead happier lives than those who are not. Let’s look at this theory a little broadly. In almost all cases, whatever we do or say, the result is aimed at deriving happiness or contentment. We want to attract love and care from others; we want to have the ability to command what we don’t have. We desire to belong and feel appreciated. We want to posses, to be productive and add value to our life and the lives of those we care about.

In all these desires and direct components of happiness, self-discipline is the single most important trait we need to gain them. Putting this into perspective, our children definitely need to develop this trait so as to be assured of having these components of happiness. Children need to develop holistically.

The question is still unanswered, whether we really grow up or only become of age. Generally, we tend to retain our childhood perceptions about life throughout our adult lives, so remember that what you instill in your child today will stay with him forever. Give your children this gift of self-discipline. They will thank you for it beyond what words can say.

Confidence

Confidence is the feeling of self-assurance that one can be, do, feel and have whatever they choose. It’s a condition where someone knows that they know and they know why they know what they know. That’s the true, genuine confidence and the difference between confidence and conceit—it’s that magnificent state of mind and feeling that is created when the soul and the spirit connect in action.

Confidence is something that your child can’t afford to be without if they are to truly live a fully satisfying life. A great number of intelligent people with excellent academic credentials fail to achieve their objectives, however much they invest their physical and intangible resources, and they simply don’t know why. The answer is that they lack this tremendously important trait.

Confidence is that inner strength nurtured in an energetic power of belief in oneself. Its presence frees its possessor to go where their mind and heart lead them. This is what guides them in doing what must be done to reach their desired objectives. It generates a non-physical aura which captures the conscious attention of everyone in their presence and, of course, it’s greatly admired. Who wouldn’t want it? It sets up a vibration that causes others to trust them—that’s the confidence we are going to talk about and prepare your young one for.

You improve your child’s self-image when you increase their faith in themselves. Their self-confidence will grow from that. Contrary to popular belief, confidence has nothing to do with level of intellect. However, just like intellect, confidence can be developed if one is willing to work at it. It takes time and effort but the work involved is minimal compared with the long-term rewards. Thankfully, our young ones are just starting their journey,