Why Can't I Look the Way I Want?: Overcoming Eating Issues

KELLER

1

HOW IT ALL BEGAN

When I was twelve and in my first year of secondary school, I was taken ill with the flu. I stayed home for a few days but on my return I continued to complain of headaches and tiredness that I could not seem to shake. This went on for most of the year. I was at home sick on and off and I continued to insist to both myself and my family that I was unwell. I felt lethargic, suffered constant headaches and a persistent cough, and no amount of medication seemed to help.

Did you know . . .

Approximately one in 100

adolescent girls develops

anorexia nervosa.¹

My parents became worried that I might have a serious medical condition and after yet another visit to the GP, he suggested I be taken to see a specialist. I was referred to a specialist at a children’s hospital who conducted a number of tests and told my parents that he could find absolutely nothing wrong with me. I felt confused and embarrassed because although I genuinely felt sick and had missed a lot of school, the specialist made light of it and told my parents to send me back to school immediately.

My headaches continued, and I had little energy. Some days I’d ask my mother if I could stay home because I didn’t feel well enough to attend school. I was in sick bay at school often. On occasion my mother would be called to collect me and I always felt relieved to get in the car with her and know that the rest of the day I would be at home, where I felt safe and secure. Other times, the school nurse would let me lie down for a few hours and then insist I return to class, which I hated to hear because I knew it meant that my mother wouldn’t be called and I wouldn’t be going home.

In spite of this situation, my grades at school were excellent, and I worked and studied hard. Being an over-achiever and a perfectionist, I took school very seriously and placed great importance on academic achievement. But the fact that I had constant headaches and a cough made me feel that something was not right.

By the time I was in Year 9, I still suffered from headaches occasionally but continued to push myself as much as possible. At the end of that year, I became very hard on myself because I felt that nothing I did was good enough. No amount of recognition of my achievements from my parents or peers could affect my need to exceed my best. This personality trait also lent itself to the development of my eating disorder. It takes an enormous amount of discipline and willpower to consistently apply yourself academically, as it does to starve yourself.

Around this time, I began experimenting with diets and became fascinated by the nutritional value of food. At the beginning of Year 10, when I was fourteen, I cut out certain foods and became a vegetarian. I developed a keen interest in exercise, and began to exercise in my bedroom at night and in the morning. Then I decided to cut out food altogether. This was the beginning of my starvation diet. From here, anorexia took over my life for the next three years.

Did you know . . .

Just over two-thirds of fifteen-year-old girls are on a diet²—that’s a whole lot of

time and energy that could have been spent at the beach.

An eating disorder can develop over a long period of time before the individual begins to display extreme behavioural characteristics, such as starvation, or bingeing and purging through vomiting or laxative abuse.

In my case, I believe that my headaches and anxiety stemmed from an emotional need that was not identified, even by a specialist. As my physical symptoms did not indicate that there was anything medically wrong with me, I was dismissed as a hypochondriac. If the specialist had stopped to think that there must be a reason for my constant feelings of ill health, it may have been identified that this was driven by an emotional and psychological imbalance. However, as my emotional need was not addressed, but left to fester, I believe this is why I went on to develop a full-blown eating disorder.

My message is this—watch the ones you love closely. If you sense that they are having trouble coping with life or struggling from day to day, reach out to them and get to the heart of the matter. You could be saving them from enduring the destructive path of anorexia or bulimia.

IN PROFILE Melinda Hutchings

HAIR COLOUR: Brunette with red highlights

EYES: Green FAVOURITE

SAYING: ‘Love comforteth like sunshine after rain.’ William Shakespeare

BEST MOMENT SINCE RECOVERY: Becoming a mother to my beautiful son, Flynn

GREATEST PERSONAL MOMENT: Any time I am able to help or inspire another human being is a great personal moment.

DREAM YET TO ACCOMPLISH: Climb Kilimanjaro

FAVOURITE COLOUR: Violet

FAVOURITE PLACES IN THE WORLD:

• New York—I have enjoyed many exquisite moments in this amazing city.

• Sedona, Arizona—stunning red rock formations surround a vortex of spiritual energy; at night, a zillion stars pierce the sky. Unforgettable.

• Home, because that’s where my heart is.

BEST TIP: Be true to who you are and let nothing sway you from your chosen course or goal.

FAVOURITE QUOTE: ‘Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you’ve imagined.’ Henry David Thoreau

MELINDA DRAWS INSPIRATION FROM

Susan Jeffers—I love her books and amazing attitude. It helps me remember not to sweat the small stuff and to be grateful for being in the flow of life.

WHAT HELPED MY RECOVERY

• An open, honest and trusting relationship with a therapist who ‘got’ me.

• Eating in a structured pattern.

• Talking back to the negative voices in my head. Sometimes I yelled out loud and told them to shut up. This empowered me.

• Giving myself permission to eat and to be kind to myself.

• Tuning in and listening to the voice that spoke from my heart, and learning to trust it above all else.

• Memorising positive affirmations that resonated with me, and repeating these to myself during moments of struggle.

• During periods of intense difficulty, allowing myself to step back from the situation and process my feelings until I felt strong again.

• Reminding myself of my reasons for wanting to let go of my eating disorder and the personal and emotional cost associated with holding on to it.

• Realising that stepping out of my comfort zone every so often increased my sense of inner strength and helped me better understand myself.

• Drawing on the love and support of my family and closest friends and being honest with them about my thoughts and feelings, especially when I was struggling.

SPECIAL GIFTS OF RECOVERY

• I learned I had an inner strength that could never be taken away from me.

• Recovery taught me that I have an important role to play in life and that I am worthy of being loved, and loving others in return.

• The knowledge that life is a gift and time is precious.

• I am grateful for all the positive aspects of my life, including my relationships with those close to me.

• Knowing how to live fully and be 100 per cent present.

• Realising that I have the power to change my life and the freedom associated with being the master of my own destiny.

• Turning my negative experience into something positive through writing.

• Living with honesty and integrity and understanding how fulfilling that is.

• Opening my heart with the understanding that life is a mix of pleasure and pain, and control is an illusion.

• Having faith in the process of life and trusting that whatever life throws at me, good or bad, I can handle it.

MELINDA’S DIARY NOTE, WRITTEN WHEN SHE WAS THIRTEEN YEARS OLD

I want to do something with my life to help other people. This is what I feel in my heart I really, really want to do.

TODAY: I dedicate my time to inspiring others to live a fabulous life through writing about my experiences and speaking out about positive body image.

POWER

STATEMENT

Nothing, no matter how painful, is lost.

WHAT I LEARNT ABOUT MYSELF

• I do not have to settle for mediocrity. I can achieve whatever I put my mind to, as long as I live with the attitude that ‘anything is possible’.

• When life knocks me sideways from time to time, if I stay true to myself and my values, I come through stronger and wiser.

• I am a passionate person. This trait has allowed me to live with direction as well as presence, and has brought me much happiness.

POWER STATEMENT

Embrace change, it is part of the learning and growing process, and allows you to discover positive aspects of yourself.

2

WHAT IF I ’M LOSING

CONTROL?

Stop and reassess where you’re at right now

The negative, destructive thoughts will only intensify the more you focus on weight, calories, exercise and food. Why do you feel the need to punish yourself in such a destructive way? If you don’t take action to help yourself, the eating disorder will take everything away from you—everything you know and love. It will lie, manipulate and stop at nothing until it destroys you from the inside out. Please do not let it do this to you—you can fight it, and you can beat it. I am living proof.

YOU ARE ENOUGH

You are the most important person in your life and it is how you feel about yourself that matters the most. You need to believe that you are worthy of love—because you are. You deserve nothing less than to be happy and live with peace in your heart. But only you have the power to make this happen.

BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF

If you are scared, or feel yourself slipping, confide in someone you trust straightaway. Those times I knew within myself that my thoughts were becoming destructive and could lead to potentially harmful behaviour, instead of saying nothing out of fear of being chastised for going backwards, I said it out loud to someone I trusted. The relief I felt when I admitted it was huge. It also helped me realise I didn’t have to face this alone—that there were people around me I could lean on in times of fear and despair who loved me and wanted to help me.

EMBRACE CHANGE

Leaving eating issues behind can be tough. My biggest fear was who I would be without the eating disorder. I couldn’t imagine life any other way. But when I realised how much anorexia had taken from me, I became fuelled with the desire to do whatever it took to claw my life back. And this meant being open to change and the notion that anything is possible. Change leads to growth and a greater awareness of who you are and what you need/want.

BECOME AWARE

Sometimes life gives us horrible or traumatic circumstances and we are forced to navigate our way through the darkness. But everything passes—and by the very nature of life, everything constantly changes and evolves. You, also, will continue to learn and grow if you let yourself be open and receptive to everything going on around you.

LIVE YOUR TRUTH

When I reflect on all the things that brought me to this moment, I can see so clearly that where I am right now is because of those rare snatches of time when I followed my instinct and listened to my heart; those times I did something out of the ordinary, took a risk against the odds, ignored the judgements of others and did what felt right for me. This is my truth. Ask yourself: what is your truth? and actively live by it.

And finally . . . I promise that life on the other side of recovery is amazing. I know, because I was once where you are now. Don’t be afraid. Your strength is there, you just need to tap into it, believe in yourself and be brave, no matter what. Push through, keep trying, keep believing, have blind faith above all else, and you will make it.

My heart is with you.

3

WHY CAN’T I LOOK

THE WAY I WANT?

Q

I don’t have an eating disorder, I am just angry that I can’t look the way I want. That the world asks us to be thin, and when I try it asks us not to hurt ourselves. I am angry that I can’t decide that eating an apple today is enough. I am angry at myself for those insane moments when my mother’s birthday cake says ‘eat me’ when I am alone and so I eat it. Then I spend the rest of the day trying to figure out how many calories that was, how many kilometres I have to run to get rid of it. But I can’t recover if I am not really sick. I don’t look anorexic. I just want to look the way I want to look.

A

Although you say that you do not have an eating disorder, your obsessive behaviour in wanting to lose weight would indicate otherwise. Do you constantly think about food and weight and how to lose it? Do you avoid eating with your friends and family? Do you find yourself thinking destructive, negative thoughts? It sounds to me as though your thought process is destructive because you consciously calculate calories and you seem very angry at yourself. I know how hard it is actually admitting to yourself that things are not right. But don’t be afraid to take this first step. If you are scared, the best thing to do is to confide in someone you trust about how you are feeling. This will help you work through some of the anger you are feeling, and put things into perspective.

IN PROFILE Alyce

AGE: 20

HAIR COLOUR: Brown

EYE COLOUR: Blue

FAVOURITE SAYING: ‘It’s all good!’

BEST MOMENT SINCE RECOVERY: I developed stress fractures a few months ago and was terrified I had osteoporosis. I admitted my fear to a sports therapist. He praised me for having the courage to admit I’d had an eating disorder and assured me the stress fractures were unrelated. That was a really proud moment. I felt I had truly conquered my eating disorder.

GREATEST PERSONAL MOMENT: The day I was accepted into university DREAM YET TO ACCOMPLISH: I’m excited about graduating from university. I also want to complete a triathlon and one day own my own home.

FAVOURITE COLOUR: Red

FAVOURITE PLACE IN THE WORLD: Noosa in Queensland because of the beautiful weather and beaches, national parks and scenery

BEST TIP: Stay strong with what you believe in. Don’t let others influence you or try to change you.

FAVOURITE QUOTE: ‘Challenge the limits.’

HOW IT STARTED

When I was sixteen and in Year 11, I missed out on a place in the netball development program I’d been involved in the year before. This devastated me. I blamed myself for not being fit enough and chastised myself for being lazy. I decided to run regularly to get fit and undertook strenuous netball training. I also cut out fatty and processed foods and replaced those with fruit and vegetables. Initially I wasn’t restricting my food intake; in my mind, I was replacing ‘bad foods’ with ‘good foods’. Then I cut out snacks between meals. During that same year, we had a casual clothes day at school. I wore a tight-fitting skirt and my classmates commented on how thin I looked. At the time I was stunned and couldn’t believe that my classmates were actually speaking to me. I had only started attending that school since Year 10 and although some of my friends from my old school started with me, the ease with which they made friends was in contrast to my shyness. I felt ‘uncool’ and kept to myself. So I was surprised my classmates noticed me and this validated my weight loss. That, coupled with feeling left out, perpetuated destructive thoughts and my self-esteem sank to an all-time low. I convinced myself that if I was thinner, people would think I was cool